Happy committed relationship, struggling with sexuality
Feb 27, 2021 9:35:17 GMT
Post by honeybee on Feb 27, 2021 9:35:17 GMT
Hi everyone,
Wow I don't even know where to start, but I would really appreciate some support from people who have been in a similar situation.
The last few months have been really difficult for me.. I am in a happy committed relationship with my boyfriend and we've been together for over three years, he is incredible. Last year we bought our first house together and we love living here. He's helped me through the toughest parts of my life and stuck by my side no matter what, we love being together and he really is my soul mate.
But there's a problem.. for the last year, I have really struggled to have sex with him. I've been seriously questioning my sexuality for a while now and I'm coming to terms with the fact I could be lesbian. I've already come to the conclusion (and my therapist agrees) that I'm attracted to my boyfriend in the sense that he protects me and loves me, but I feel the attraction to him in a more platonic way.
I struggle to get in the mood to have sex, we have tried everything. He has been really patient and understanding but I can tell it's affecting him because sex is important to him (as it is for most couples!)
I always found it easier to say I was bisexual, and my boyfriend was aware of this and completely fine, but I'm wondering if I like the idea of men, but not actually having sex with them.
I've had some awful chest pains for the last two weeks, and I think it is from the stress of trying to find an answer. I've tried to calm down and let things happen naturally, but I don't want to think about a life without him, it absolutely breaks my heart to imagine someone else living the life with him that we have planned together. I'm pressuring myself to find an answer because I don't want to waste his time, or have myself live a lie.
Since I was young, I have always been attracted to women. If a couple walked into the room, I would notice the girl before the guy. I feel more comfortable with girls, and I had a few crushes on my friends but they never knew. I would get really jealous if one of my friends got into a relationship with a guy because that ruled out my chances with her. Looking back, I never acknowledged my feelings towards women and I wish I did.
These feelings have become apparent recently because a girl I knew is now in a relationship with a girl. I'm ashamed at how I felt, but I was so angry, and upset that she could be with a girl and I couldn’t. I was upset that she was happy, and that they were together. It made me feel upset that everyone just assumed I was straight, and I felt like I needed to prove them wrong. It feels unfair that she’s living her truth and I’m worried I can’t face up to mine because I’m so scared of losing the love of my life, and everything that we have worked so hard for.
I was bullied at school for a variety of things, my life was unbearable. Boys spread rumours about me and the girls made my life hell for it, so that could be the reason why I didn't acknowledge my feelings towards girls because it would've sadly been bullied relentlessly for that too. I'm only 21, but when I was 14 young people weren't massively open about their sexuality. With kids being pretty mature nowadays, when I was younger all the girls were worried about being 'stared at' by girls who were possibly gay which is really awful but times have obviously changed now which is great.
I've thought about the possibility of struggling with sex could be down to a trauma response, but I don't feel threatened or panicked by the thought of having sex with a guy, I just don't want to do it.
I think that as I had problems with guys when I was younger, I ended up falling towards guys twice my age as they were much more mature than guys I had been with and they offered protection and safety. I think this explains my 'attraction' to men, the need to be protected. Not to have sex with them. I also think this is the reason why I felt I had to be in a relationship with a guy because I feel protected and safe. I didn't at all feel pressured to get with my boyfriend, I fell in love with him and that's just how it worked. I'm just not sure if I'd been suppressing the feelings of my sexuality without realising.
I've talked to my therapist about this a lot, and she has guided me through it and been amazing but ultimately she feels a bit useless because only I know my sexuality. We both agree that I may be reluctant to face my truth because it is much scarier than my life now.
I have to make a decision between a comfortable lifestyle with a loving boyfriend, a nice house, and no money struggles.. or a life by myself, making just enough money, and experiencing life without my best friend. This has been tearing me apart for a while now, and the more I pressure myself to make a decision, the more stressed I am getting.
I just don't want to ignore this and get further down the line with kids and marriage and suddenly have this realisation when it's much more difficult to change my lifestyle.
I do believe that I would have to do what is best for him, and I can't make him stay with me if I'm gay just because I want him for myself. Since I've started feeling like this I have had to deal with the pain of letting him go because if I love him, I have to let him be with someone who he can have a sexual relationship with.
He is completely aware of how I've been feeling and has told me he will support me through any decision I choose to make, and he'll be by my side no matter what. This has actually made it more difficult because I've realised how much I really do love him.
I'm sorry to completely overwhelm you all on my first post, and sorry if I babbled.. but my therapist suggested speaking to people who have been through similar situations and to find some support from the LGBT community as it may make me feel at ease.
What do you think?<3
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this xxx
Wow I don't even know where to start, but I would really appreciate some support from people who have been in a similar situation.
The last few months have been really difficult for me.. I am in a happy committed relationship with my boyfriend and we've been together for over three years, he is incredible. Last year we bought our first house together and we love living here. He's helped me through the toughest parts of my life and stuck by my side no matter what, we love being together and he really is my soul mate.
But there's a problem.. for the last year, I have really struggled to have sex with him. I've been seriously questioning my sexuality for a while now and I'm coming to terms with the fact I could be lesbian. I've already come to the conclusion (and my therapist agrees) that I'm attracted to my boyfriend in the sense that he protects me and loves me, but I feel the attraction to him in a more platonic way.
I struggle to get in the mood to have sex, we have tried everything. He has been really patient and understanding but I can tell it's affecting him because sex is important to him (as it is for most couples!)
I always found it easier to say I was bisexual, and my boyfriend was aware of this and completely fine, but I'm wondering if I like the idea of men, but not actually having sex with them.
I've had some awful chest pains for the last two weeks, and I think it is from the stress of trying to find an answer. I've tried to calm down and let things happen naturally, but I don't want to think about a life without him, it absolutely breaks my heart to imagine someone else living the life with him that we have planned together. I'm pressuring myself to find an answer because I don't want to waste his time, or have myself live a lie.
Since I was young, I have always been attracted to women. If a couple walked into the room, I would notice the girl before the guy. I feel more comfortable with girls, and I had a few crushes on my friends but they never knew. I would get really jealous if one of my friends got into a relationship with a guy because that ruled out my chances with her. Looking back, I never acknowledged my feelings towards women and I wish I did.
These feelings have become apparent recently because a girl I knew is now in a relationship with a girl. I'm ashamed at how I felt, but I was so angry, and upset that she could be with a girl and I couldn’t. I was upset that she was happy, and that they were together. It made me feel upset that everyone just assumed I was straight, and I felt like I needed to prove them wrong. It feels unfair that she’s living her truth and I’m worried I can’t face up to mine because I’m so scared of losing the love of my life, and everything that we have worked so hard for.
I was bullied at school for a variety of things, my life was unbearable. Boys spread rumours about me and the girls made my life hell for it, so that could be the reason why I didn't acknowledge my feelings towards girls because it would've sadly been bullied relentlessly for that too. I'm only 21, but when I was 14 young people weren't massively open about their sexuality. With kids being pretty mature nowadays, when I was younger all the girls were worried about being 'stared at' by girls who were possibly gay which is really awful but times have obviously changed now which is great.
I've thought about the possibility of struggling with sex could be down to a trauma response, but I don't feel threatened or panicked by the thought of having sex with a guy, I just don't want to do it.
I think that as I had problems with guys when I was younger, I ended up falling towards guys twice my age as they were much more mature than guys I had been with and they offered protection and safety. I think this explains my 'attraction' to men, the need to be protected. Not to have sex with them. I also think this is the reason why I felt I had to be in a relationship with a guy because I feel protected and safe. I didn't at all feel pressured to get with my boyfriend, I fell in love with him and that's just how it worked. I'm just not sure if I'd been suppressing the feelings of my sexuality without realising.
I've talked to my therapist about this a lot, and she has guided me through it and been amazing but ultimately she feels a bit useless because only I know my sexuality. We both agree that I may be reluctant to face my truth because it is much scarier than my life now.
I have to make a decision between a comfortable lifestyle with a loving boyfriend, a nice house, and no money struggles.. or a life by myself, making just enough money, and experiencing life without my best friend. This has been tearing me apart for a while now, and the more I pressure myself to make a decision, the more stressed I am getting.
I just don't want to ignore this and get further down the line with kids and marriage and suddenly have this realisation when it's much more difficult to change my lifestyle.
I do believe that I would have to do what is best for him, and I can't make him stay with me if I'm gay just because I want him for myself. Since I've started feeling like this I have had to deal with the pain of letting him go because if I love him, I have to let him be with someone who he can have a sexual relationship with.
He is completely aware of how I've been feeling and has told me he will support me through any decision I choose to make, and he'll be by my side no matter what. This has actually made it more difficult because I've realised how much I really do love him.
I'm sorry to completely overwhelm you all on my first post, and sorry if I babbled.. but my therapist suggested speaking to people who have been through similar situations and to find some support from the LGBT community as it may make me feel at ease.
What do you think?<3
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this xxx
