m
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Post by m on Aug 1, 2021 19:56:12 GMT
About a week ago I came out to my number one friend. It was not at a great time for him, he was stressed and dealing with his girlfriends issues. He’s always been very accepting and fun to be around. I was shocked though in the fallout however after I told him. It originally started as I’m going to need some time to get used to it, which is completely understandable seeing as I had been lying to him about having sex with females when in actual fact it was men.
In the days following he would begin every conversation about the topic as “just know I’m not angry at you…”
Although this seems like a nice thing to say it came off as quite aggressive. Like he almost should’ve been angry at me for being my true self, this worried me as my biggest fear about coming out was the people around me changing.
In the days following he had a break down, sort of got to drunk at a party stromed out from his parents all in front of his friends. I comforted him as he spoke through tears about a lot of stuff, most of which is not relivant. He made me feel like apart of this outburst was to do with me coming out, making me more uncomfortable.
Shortly after this event he flew off on holiday with some friends. The night before we had a chat and he seemed completely fine. Almost like he had all of a sudden just got over it when I really felt he hadn’t.
The whole experience really didn’t help me, it put me in a dark place for a few days that my own friend would be angry at me for such a thing. Any advice or thoughts are welcome please speak your mind
M
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Post by Piltover on Aug 3, 2021 11:19:36 GMT
Hi there m, Firstly, thanks for sharing your story on the forums with us, and welcome to the community. It sounds like things didn't go exactly as you had planned, which is often the way when LGBTQ+ people come out to friends and family. I can relate: telling my sister, and some of my friends didn't provoke reactions I was expecting, and as I was in a delicate place, it made coping with other people's emotions much harder than usual. However, as many of us can attest, first reactions are far from the full story, and are just the beginning of a longer journey. While I can't give you advice on what you should do, I think it might be worth considering the following things. You say that your number one friend was stressed and dealing with girlfriend issues, and that when he stormed out he spoke through tears about a lot of stuff. It sounds like they're going through a rough time at the moment, and it's very natural for all of us to assume that we're, the other party, are at the heart of the issue, especially when we're emotionally vulnerable. Could it be that you are projecting some of your worries about your friendship onto him? If you're anxious that he's mad or won't be accepting, then it's possible that you're reading that into the situation. For some people finding out that their friend and or family member is queer can come as a shock, and that provokes strange reactions which aren't necessarily representative of how they feel. My sister was a good case in point, she kept making rather inappropriate jokes, which made me feel uncomfortable, but really I think it was just part of her processing the information. I know what you were looking for, and needing at that time, was support, and it doesn't sound like you received that, but there are a lot of LGBTQ+ people out there (including us!) who are here to help, to listen, and give you what you need during this time. If you don't already have an LGBTQ+ network, maybe it's worth trying to contact some local societies or clubs, or even see an LGBTQ+ therapist to give you the space and support you need? You also don't mention whether anyone else in your life knows or you have close relationships, but I would also say that tapping the people who can give you that understanding right now could be really really good for your wellbeing. As for "lying" about having sex with women - please don't feel bad about that. Gay people in the closet experience such innumerate pressures from the outside world, and telling people you're having sex with a different gender is often part of keeping yourself safe. If that's what you needed to do, then that's what you needed to do. You weren't doing it out of malice, or to hurt someone else, but because your situation is different straight people's! Many, many of us have done exactly the same, and I hope you don't linger on it because it's part of many queer people's journey's toward coming out. I'm going to link to some support services now that I think might help you. I don't know where you're based, but these are national, and they're superb. Please do reach out, whether you're in a dark place or not. Also remember that we're always here to talk if you need us. Switchboard: The UK's longest running LGBTQ+ helpline. They're there to listen about whatever you want to talk about, and it's staffed by LGBTQ+ volunteers. You can call them on 0300 330 0630 10am - 10pm or via webchat on their website switchboard.lgbt/ or via email at chris@switchboard.lgbt This coming out guide from Stonewall also contains some useful links and is a great resource www.stonewall.org.uk/help-advice/coming-out/coming-out-as-an-adultPlease do let us know how you're getting along and take care of yourself. Love and solidarity, Justin |
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