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Post by whoknows on Jun 5, 2022 12:58:50 GMT
Much the same with my husband; either ignorance him thinking it’ll disappear or fear. I realised that he had no idea how much of a massive thing it was for me which is when I decided to tell him more and that’s made him cling even more. He keeps thinking that by being super attentive, I’ll “love him again”. If i ask my children for a cuddle, he makes comments like “oh I’d like a cuddle too!” I feel so awful for putting him through this. Feeling like every which way I turn, will hurt someone. If I stay, I’ll hurt. If I go, he’ll hurt.
I can understand your state of confusion and I wonder, is it possible to know for sure, like 100% of your orientation. I suppose the one thing for certain is that there’s something that does need exploring. Maybe that’s the first step. While it’s been hard to see my husband respond to me saying how much more established I am with my sexuality, it has felt easier having the load lifted off my mind s little. Even though I’m not ready to do anything!
How do you think family would react to you? That’s something that fills me with dread.
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Post by katie on Jun 5, 2022 16:21:19 GMT
Sometimes there’s no good choice to make. I’m glad a bit of the weight has been lifted off you though, every little helps.
Yea you could be right…maybe some people can be more certain that others, and maybe a person can be more sure on some days and less sure on others. I keep reading on here that sexuality is fluid, so maybe there really are no 100%.
I’m very lucky with my family. They are pretty open minded. They will be a bit confused I think and probably have some questions, but then I reckon they’ll be ok. Is there any family you think will be supportive? What about your friends? Katie x
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Post by whoknows on Jun 5, 2022 18:25:47 GMT
I think my siblings would be supportive but not sure of my parents; I think they’d be embarrassed but I would hope in time they would see the increased happiness in me. I’ve actually come out to a fair few friends and I’ve been surprised at how comfortable I’ve felt doing so, and how accepted they’ve made me feel. A fair few have commented that they’re not totally surprised based on my past and also how I’ve struggled to talk positively about sex with my husband for a while, in fact one friend said they don’t recall every hearing me talk positively about sex with any men!
Aside from the confidence and self esteem you feel you’d experienced if you were with a woman; what else is it that appeals? And what do you feel you’d miss if you weren’t with your husband and you separated? I hope you don’t mind me asking all these questions, it’s so comforting to be able to talk to someone in a similar position.
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Post by katie on Jun 6, 2022 16:56:45 GMT
That’s brilliant that your friends have been accepting and supportive! I’ve told a few friends, who have been great. But I’ve also got a couple of friends who I know will find it difficult…so I’m wondering if I tell them or just keep things as they are for them. I guess it depends how ‘out’ I want to be.
I just think women are beautiful…and a relationship would (I think) feel very equal and natural with possibly a more emotional connection. Separating from my husband would be devastating. I think I’d miss the companionship and seeing him with the children. We have some communication problems, and I’m struggling with sex, but everything else is really good so there are lots of things I’d miss. What about you?
It’s ok, I don’t mind questions x
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Post by whoknows on Jun 6, 2022 19:28:43 GMT
I’d say tell people for what it does to you, not them. So if you feel like being more honest to them is liberating and helpful then I say go for it. I’ve found that when I’m with the people who know I feel so much more authentic.
Very similar for me; same sex relationship to me feels so fair and equal; from sex and the fact there’s no definitive end. In my experiences sex with a woman has felt so much more respectful too and safer. And for sure an emotional connection is a huge appeal
My husband & I haven’t been getting on the best, but I would be really if it were to end, but I actually think we’d have a really good dynamic as friends (he wouldn’t agree!). He tried to kiss me the other day and i physically pulled away before my mind had even figured what was going on; that’s scared me a lot 😞
I know it will all work out. And deep down I know that, everyone will adjust, just that this period of transition is so so hard and I’m not sure how I’ll get through it. I didn’t think it was possible to feel so trapped and free at the same time, so happy and so sad at the same time, so strong and so weak.
Hope Monday has been kind to you xx
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Post by katie on Jun 7, 2022 16:46:44 GMT
Thank you, that’s a good way to think about telling people. Maybe I’ll use that approach.
Yea, I think particularly where sex is concerned, there are things I don’t like my husband doing because I feel too exposed and vulnerable....but I think those same things would feel fine with a woman. Not sure I’ll ever find out for certain how things would feel…but you never know.
Transitions are always so hard, that feeling of being in limbo. It’s positive that you can imagine being friends with your husband, even if he doesn’t see it at the moment. At least it gives you something to work towards for the future. When does your couples counselling start?
Hope your week has started ok x
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Post by whoknows on Jun 8, 2022 7:51:17 GMT
I'm struggling this week; do you ever find yourself going from feeling so utterly sure you want to be with a woman, to then thinking maybe I'm just making this all up? Interesting you say you feel exposed and vulnerable, I can understand that. When you say you're not sure you'll ever find out for certain how things would feel, is that because you just don't see a way of that happening? Seems like you're torturing yourself somewhat?
Couples therapy hoping to start in a few weeks but I'm so scared of it. I feel pretty sure about my sexuality but then I have moments of huge doubt too!! Also scared of being alone, though I know that's not a reason to suppress this any further.
How do you feel when your husband even just kisses you? And has he bought up any more with you? I feel it's like a dark cloud that just hangs over us permanently! Sending you love x
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Post by katie on Jun 8, 2022 18:10:14 GMT
Hey, Sorry you’re having a tough week. It’s hard, but make sure you are being kind to yourself. Yes, the moments of doubt are always there…stronger for me at some times than others, and I’m not even sure what triggers the doubts! Is there anything in particular that brings on your doubts?
I like non-sexual physical affection from my husband, cuddles and holding hands etc. I can accept kisses and sexual touch..but I don’t really enjoy it in any way. When we have sex, I like being close to him and I can reach climax- but I feel like I have to put myself into a fantasy in order to get there, which obviously disconnects me from my husband, which I don’t like.
I’ve now told my husband that I’m struggling a little and want to find a way to explore my sexuality within our relationship. He says he understands, but we haven’t got any further than that. Yes- probably I am torturing myself a bit but I’m not sure how else to manage my feelings. Any ideas?! Best wishes, really hope your week improves x
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Post by whoknows on Jun 8, 2022 19:07:16 GMT
I think the doubts come from when I get so fixated on this idea that I’m gay, like everything past and present falls into place and it becomes undeniable. And then I start thinking about the consequences of that, separating from my husband etc and I start going maybe I’m not?
Totally make sense what you say about feeling disconnected when you’re having sex, and so hard on you too. I literally can’t bring myself to even kiss with tongues anymore 😞
Amazing that you’ve told your husband you’d like to explore things a little and that you’re struggling. That’s such an enormous step and one you should be proud of, I know it doesn’t feel like it but it is, one step closer to you being totally authentic. If he were to ask you what that looks like, what would it look like to you? Ideally?
As for the torture, I suppose I don’t have any pearls of wisdom but I would try and at least let your mind wander, explore avenues and ideas and feel what comes up for you, which fears and concerns are raised. Ie, if your mind wanders to a scenario of you on a lesbian dating app and meeting someone and going for a date what does that feel like? What stops you from doing that? I think the feelings that can come up then can be quite informative. I hope I’ve made some sense? X
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Post by katie on Jun 8, 2022 21:17:43 GMT
That makes perfect sense that those things would cause you to have doubts. I feel the same when I think about those things. Yes…the sex thing is difficult…and we are working on ways to make sex more enjoyable for both of us. So we will see if it gets any easier for me to stay present and connected.
Thank you. It was a difficult thing to share with him. Ideally, we would open our marriage so that I would be able to sleep with women. I wouldn’t want to see other men, and I wouldn’t want him to see other women. I realise this is a bit one sided! The other option for me would be to explore threesomes with another woman. That may be a possibility after enough time, but I’ve no idea how we would go about it.
Interesting. The main feelings that come up for me in that situation are excitement and freedom…quickly followed by guilt and insecurity. Thank you for your thoughts. I really appreciate it x
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