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Post by matth on Jun 10, 2019 0:21:32 GMT
Embarrassed. I feel embarrassed. I had a bit of a shit week that led into an awful weekend and I shouldn't have posted on here while drinking. But I'm fine now. Thank you all for your support. I do want to talk about what I'm going through but I think I need to wait until I'm in a better head space to talk about it. Thank you.
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Post by matth on Jun 15, 2019 1:30:13 GMT
Hi. A week ago I posted my first message. I was very drunk and was on a downward spiral. Well It's another Friday and I'm drunk again but I'm feeling fine right now.
I just want to tell you why I got to that point. I'm 19 years old and I don't think I've dealt with my shit of growing up as a gay man in a village like this. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only gay in the village. When I open Grindr all I see is headless torsos, most who I can recognise and I know they are married to women. I feel isolated and lonely. I alway hear... "move to a city like Edinburgh" but I have no third level qualifications. I left college last year and I work in a fast food place. I don't have the money to go to Uni. Basically I'm stuck here. I feel trapped. I feel alone. I feel like everyone I meet just wants sex. I want more than that. How do I get past this. How do I move forward?
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Post by Piltover on Jun 20, 2019 12:51:18 GMT
Hi Matth, I'm a member of the OutLife support team. I think a lot of us can relate to your experience of growing up as a gay man in a rural location. It can feel really isolating, especially when you don't feel like there are many options for socialising and apps like Grindr become your principle point of contact with the community. I didn't grow up in a village, but the small town where I spent my youth was very quiet and I only remember meeting one other openly gay person. In circumstances like this it's really hard to feel connected with other people like you. There are ways that you can make your situation feel better, however. First thing's first: it sounds like a really important and positive step would be to reduce your feelings of isolation. For this, online communities (like this one!) could be a good way to start. This way you can talk to other LGBTQ+ young people who are in a the same situation. It might feel like you're alone in this, but you're one of many people who feel the same, and the community can be a really kind, compassionate place. It might also be great to talk about your situation to an organisation which knows Scotland, and the resources available that are available there. There could be organisations that could support you if you wanted to move, or at least provide some guidance, as well as connect you to communities and networks that are closer to you in the meantime. I'd recommend speaking to LGBT Youth Scotland www.lgbtyouth.org.uk/groups-and-support/ It offers one-to-one chat, or you can ask for direct support from one of their workers. They've undoubtedly spoken to a lot of people in your situation so can probably provide some sage advice. They also might be able to put you in touch with more local services. Another charity I can recommend is the Albert Kennedy Trust. It usually provides emergency accommodation and support to homeless LGBTQ+ youth or those living in an unsafe environment, which doesn't sound like your situation, but they probably have a great understanding of what support you qualify for, and where to go to get it. As you're a young person, it's quite possible there's a scheme or organisation that can help. www.akt.org.uk/how-we-helpI hope you find the above helpful. Please be sure to check in again and let us know how you get on  J |
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Post by matth on Jun 27, 2019 13:24:41 GMT
Thank you Justin. I'm going to try LGBT youth scotland's chat and see how that goes.
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Post by debbiedowner99 on Jun 27, 2019 21:25:40 GMT
Hang in there Matth. It WILL get better. Trust me.
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Post by jimp2019 on Jul 1, 2019 0:45:58 GMT
Hi Matth.
Sorry you are going through this. I wish I had the intelligence to be smart enough to help you but I don't. Please hang in there.
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Post by matth on Aug 15, 2019 11:32:09 GMT
Hi everyone.
So I just want to say a big thanks to everyone for your support. I took your advice and spoke to LGBT Youth Scotland. They were amazing and even put me in contact with some support systems. I've had a couple of bumpy months but I feel like my life is back on track and heading in the right direction. There's a long way to go but I'm getting there.
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Post by freedom2be on Sept 29, 2019 15:40:34 GMT
Hello Matth,
I was wondering if using this forum for example has perhaps helped you out. I think considering ending your life is quite a powerful feeling. In the sense that is the sort of thought that comes to your head when you are hurting so much. Writing I think it is a helpful tool. Thoughts will continue but whenever you put them on paper or online the thought is out and I wonder how does it feel to see it in the paper or on the screen?
I am a mature gay guy. I write as a hobby and realise the possibilities are almost endless I would say. And since in today's world we struggle to find a listening ear since it is hard to be referred to counselling or sometimes when we ache we do not even want to hear the sound of your own voice sometimes. Here what we can say is be patient...soon some friendships will form and with this writing habits is almost like you are your own pen pal...it is not writing to recite necessarily or even to aim to publish but it is kind of a conversation, an extension of what you think...The thought is out...coherent or not...logical or perhaps not...your feeling is there...and even if the tears fill your eyes your hand will feel you went somewhere when looking at and describe...looking at it and expressing it...But equally any suggestions from administrator you can also try out if it suits you...at your own pace and following your feeling of course...Take good care and come back here as often as you need to.
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Post by matth on Oct 6, 2019 1:46:43 GMT
Thanks, Freedom2Be.
I think people underestmate the power just typing what we are going through on a screen for others to read can have. I means as soon as I wrote it and hit post I felt amazing. I didn't really need people to reply. Just syaing it out loud or tying it was life changing. Sometimes it's not advice we need, it's just a platform to talk about our issues. This is why I like this forum. It allows me to release.
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Post by freedom2be on Oct 12, 2019 2:03:17 GMT
Hello again Matth and thank you for your reply,
Not to challenge in excess what you feel or think...Some idea that comes to my head is how sometimes we mix the feelings of frustration with some urges to be 'aggressive'...'aggressive' I am thinking of it as a wide term...But if you think about it that frustration we might so deeply feel sometimes it is no surprise to turn it to ourselves because this society does not let us be 'aggressive' towards others...Sometimes we are not able to see how unique we are and how much respect and care we owe to ourselves...It would be 'easy' to reach the conclusion: This subject of mine which is providing me with such pain...If I just manage to' kill it', it will be all over but what we are and what we think could be just all that we are going to experience in this universe...it is tough and not well thought if we aim to hurt the very basis of what we are.
We are bodies connected to a brain, no? We operate in society and sometimes these social issues make us feel like we don't fit and we will never fit...This feelings of: Oh my god I am such a failure do not go away with age...But also the feelings that you can in a way put a final stop to our experience...why?...Being here on this earth can be extremely painful sometimes...we can feel so lonely, inadequate, unattractive but even if all the mental messages inside are bad...we are here and this is our experience...it is unsure what we will experience in the future but we can begin to establish some building blocks for that future...sure we have talent to learn a little bit, to try to accept a little bit, to try to look inside of us a little bit...is it not normal to feel all melancholic, painful sometimes? Is it not a sign that we might be reacting to something after all? Maybe we did not want to be like rest? Really, I could go on and I can see that the ideas that really matters are your very own really but we are also in a system of constant influence of each other...Do we have feelings of 'violence'? Yes...Is it easy to target ourselves with that animosity? I think so...But once we felt the big storm inside...can we just pause? Not to think necessarily of something that we can accept in an easier way (and tell others) but for the sake of pause...storm builds up...explodes...hard rain follows and after...quiet silence...the big energy has been released and is out...Is that perhaps the nature of our feeling cycle? What sort of storm do we want for us? actually destructive and harmful or just loud and expressive?
Let us know if perhaps this sounds familiar.
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