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Post by beyond on Dec 26, 2022 10:21:39 GMT
Hi I wondered if anyone has experienced this or has thoughts on it.. my close friend (not sexual relationship) died by suicide and their parents are homophobic and I've not been invited to the funeral. I've known my friend for 35 years, been on holiday with them, sharing good and bad times etc and was supporting them with their mental health issues (but it wasn't enough, sadly). There so much to unpick here and I don't want to burden their friends with my grief and confusion as they've got their own to deal with.
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Post by Saathi on Dec 26, 2022 11:27:03 GMT
Dear beyond, thank you for your post and I am sorry this has happened. Very sorry to read about your close friend you knew for 35 years. From what you have written it is clear to me that you were there for your friend and supported them the best you were able to. This must be very difficult time for you. I hope you are okay and have someone to talk to. Sometimes thinking about the good times you had together may help. I am sure your friend was very grateful for all your support. For some people it helps to talk. When I have been excluded by homophobic people in the past talking to someone, or writing my thoughts down or trying to look after my own self-care really helped. www.lgbthero.org.uk/pages/category/self-careBecause you’re being left out of the ceremony that is designed to let grievers gather and process their feelings together, it is important to let other people in your life know about your loss. Be honest with them about your feelings: your grief, but also your anger and frustration at being left out. These feelings are valid and shouldn’t be kept inside. Find a trusted friend or several who can provide a listening ear. In my lived experience, it is okay to talk to friends as they would rather know that you are okay but if for now that is difficult for you to do so try the following: Organizations such as Samaritans www.samaritans.org, LGBT Switchboard switchboard.lgbt, and PAPYRUS www.papyrus-uk.org/ all great examples of services that offer amazing support for those that struggle with suicidal ideation. Do let us know how you get on and stay in touch. |
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Post by beyond on Dec 26, 2022 23:51:29 GMT
thanks, I appreciate the kind words. I think it's just awkward that we were all in a close group of ten growing up and they're all going to the funeral but I'm not. they all don't know the back story that the parents are homophobic.. in fact the parents blamed me for my friends mental health breakdown (because at the time my friend blamed me too..i have a handwritten letter saying that in plain text). My friend couldn't reconcile their parents devout christian views where i was "evil" and "a bad influence" for being gay and the fact I am a nice person and the rest of our friend group were fine with me. I suspect (but will never know for sure) that the parents blame me for my friends death too. I really don't want to speak ill of the dead so I can't talk to my friends about the hate mail my friend sent me at the time during their breakdown. It helps to just write this down here. I guess I just have to make some excuse why I can't go, so my friends never know the truth.. this whole thing isn't about me. But I can only know what I think. Maybe that doesn't make sense. it's just I thought I wouldn't need to feel the hate from others again after so long, but it's 2022 and some people still harbour hate to those they don't understand. I will always love my friend and I respect that the funeral is for the parents benefit, not for my friend. you couldn't make this up, it's unbelievable. But it's true.
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Post by Saathi on Dec 27, 2022 15:29:46 GMT
Hi there, thanks for your reply. It is difficult when a family indicates that you are not welcome, but do try to accept their wishes. Also, this sounds difficult for you as it is also connected to a friends network the grief will be difficult and because you have been blamed by the family. I'm sorry about this. Everyone in deep grief, experience feelings unique to them and at different paces. In my own experience and that of friends, it is rarely a productive time to work through old conflicts during grief but do try to talk to someone not connected to this situation. It's healthy you recognise that you respect that the funeral is for the parents benefits but try not to blame yourself. There is no right or wrong way to feel >> www.papyrus-uk.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/001159-PAPYRUS-Leaflet_Bereavement.pdf (hope this pdf helps) Do reach out for as much support as you are able to, perhaps a grief counsellor or talking to LGBT Switchboard / Samaritans. Some people create their own ceremony to memorialize loved ones - looking at the good memories you shared together. It's good that writing things down help you and if that is working for you then sounds like a step forwards to dealing with grief. Hope you are able to talk to someone about your feelings. Best wishes and stay in touch. |
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Post by beyond on Dec 27, 2022 16:45:18 GMT
thanks, I realise signposting is the only outcome here but it is useful to even write this down. given its Christmas then it's not a very good time to talk to friends and bring them down.
But I'm OK, just feeling like I'm living some sort of cruel soap opera.
I've got some good melancholy tunes on and will wallow in self sadness for a bit but no doubt will bounce back. I'm a mental health first aider myself and have a whole network who are relying on me too. I have to be strong for them.
this is life eh. wouldn't it be a bit boring if these soap operas didn't appear to stretch the emotions from time to time.
if anyone else is reading this then I guess that's the point... share, write, talk. it DOES help but similarly the onus to sort out our minds is on ourselves. just maybe sometimes it helps that a random person who you'll never meet takes the time to acknowledge how shitty it is. 👍
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