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Post by str8male on Jan 11, 2024 22:56:55 GMT
Hi All,
I am a straight male in a relationship with a woman who I really love already. Everything is amazing. There is just one problem. She watches porn and only of women. She identifies as straight and we have talked about marriage, kids, and future goals. But reading blog posts on here and other forums, I am concerned that she is not really sexually attracted to me. She says that she is, often initiates sex, and seems to enjoy it with me. But how can I know? Looking at the stories on here, I am concerned she is not telling me everything. I am concerned she could be using me for stability and could change on me down the road as others on this forum have. I was advised not to trust her but am doubting that advice because I do trust her and really respect her. I want to hear what others on here say.
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Post by Rasher on Jan 12, 2024 12:54:31 GMT
Hi St8male. Welcome to the forums. I can try and help as much as possible but it's difficult without knowing everything. I'm sure it's a confusing time for you. You say she says she's straight but only watches lesbian porn - which is confusing you. First, porn is just porn. It allows people to engage in stuff they may never do in reality. It could be from a curious point of view, or it could be because she's trying to explore a different side of herself - which doesn't mean she's bisexual. FYI - a lot of gay men watch straight porn - because they find it hotter - but they are still gay. A lot of straight women only watch gay porn because they find it hotter. Basically porn is there to meet an internal need. So I wouldn't use her porn habits to come to a conclusion. You say you think she's not sexually attracted to you but it sounds like you have a good sex life. But I also get that all of this is confusing you, but having others tell you not to trust her is not helpful. They are just making your anxiety worse and who does that help in this situation. Look, it's up to you and her to define what your relationship is and what it can be. Nobody else. But this comes down to good communication, listening to each other and exploring different things together. Have you tried watching lesbian porn together to figure out why she likes it? Making her comfortable with it might help her open up about her thoughts and feelings. Bringing this type of porn into your sex life might be helpful. Last thing I will say, even if she turns out to be bisexual, it doesn't mean anything. Plenty of bisexual in opposite sex relationships and they stay in them. She may be going through her own battles with her sexuality and I bet having a partner there to help her figure it all out would be a wonderful thing. However, it may turn out to be just what she says - she's a straight women who likes watching lesbian porn. I've heard worse things! But you're not going to know the answer to your question without good communication with her and maybe try exploring porn together. There's some organisations out there who have more experience with supporting bisexual people and there partners. If you need to talk to someone further here's some orgs: gladd.co.uk/bisexual-support/ But honestly, just listen to her. If she's on a journey, it's her journey an she'll need support. If it's nothing. You have nothing to worry about - you get a partner who likes lesbian porn. Hope that helps. Please feel free to come back if you have any further questions. |
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Post by michs on Jan 12, 2024 12:59:31 GMT
Hi there.
I don't have much to add but just to say as a lesbian I have lots of straight women friends and they will watch lesbian porn with us. It means nothing. They just like it. Nothing major. One of my friends said she gets tips from it because women know how to please women and she's learnt a lot about her body from lesbian porn.
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Post by str8male on Jan 12, 2024 18:16:35 GMT
Thank you so much for you measured and supportive words. It was really harmful what I hard before from a lot of people who had been traumatized by husbands who turned out to be gay. Everything you guys have been said is much more down to earth.
This woman has been very open and honest with me from the beginning. The fact that she has faster orgasms watching lesbian porn than straight porn still bothers me, and I am struggling with it. But yes it seems she may not know entirely herself why. The lack of certainty for me is hard.
But it is totally reassuring that just because a woman likes lesbian porn does not mean she does not feel sexually attracted to men or me in real life. She has always really seemed to be sexually attracted to me.
I have to not talk with her about it for a while. I pushed her away sexually yesterday, and this hurt her, and we had a blow out last night because the issues has come up too many times.
So I need this forum and other supportive people to keep my fears from harming the relationship which is precious. It helps to be constantly reminded of how to stay on track. She doesn't really understand why I care so much, which makes it much worse for me. But I have to remain as patient and supportive of her while taking care of myself. It's not easy.
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Post by lynn84 on Jan 13, 2024 5:10:05 GMT
Hi.
Just chiming in with my two cents. First, I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. I totally see how you got there. Let me see if I have this correct. The reason why you have issues and anxiety is because she is getting off faster to lesbian porn and you think that's actually what she likes and she's only with you for comfort and stability. You think she's bi or even a lesbian but is afraid to explore that for fear of losing you?
If that's not correct please let me know.
Thing is... you might be correct. But you may also be wrong. What I don't like is how your friends are telling you not to trust her. That's not on. It's your relationship and that's not support. They should be telling you to talk, communicate and find a way forward. I'm not saying you have shitty friends, they just don't get it. Guess this is why you ended up here. Us Queers know how to deal with stuff like this. 😆
I don't know what the answer is. But I do think at some point you need to just trust her. Without trust you have nothing. If she's telling you something take it for what it is. But let her know that you are always there, will always be there and if she ever wants to talk about something you will be there to listen and help her.
Relationships are not one sided and not just about one thing. It's about sex, intimacy, connections, trust and friendship and love. If you only focus on one thing, then is it even a proper relationship.
In the end, you also have to do what's best for you. Yes, support her as much as you can. This all may be a storm in a tea cup, but look after your own wellbeing too. I feel your anxiety and I would love to give you a big strong lesbian hug.
As the admin said, I think keep the communication channels open and have an open mind.
Love, L xx
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Post by lynn84 on Jan 13, 2024 5:19:22 GMT
Also just to high five Mich.s I too have lots of straight women friends who love lesbian porn but they like it cos it's taboo. It's the feeling of they shouldn't be watching it. Religious guilt! Maybe that helps too. 😆
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Post by str8male on Jan 13, 2024 6:23:20 GMT
Thanks so much Lynn. Another really helpful response. Yes, your summary is right. Although I doubt she is a lesbian, because she becomes physiologically aroused top and bottom when with me. Can a woman do that? I don't see how. The way she touches my back during sex is very delicate and I just don't see how that would not be love. So, my bet is she is just attracted to both sexes, possibly women more. But only she would know. She definately identifies as straight and says she has never had sex with a woman. I agree re others saying not to trust her. She is doing her best, and I don't believe she is trying to manipulate me. This is about her process, and me dealing with the uncertainty of it. Thank you for being the kind of support I/we need. Two nights ago, we actually had a really good talk. She was calm and safe. We made progress. Then I stupidly posted online on a negative forum which I have now deleted, got frightened by the warnings, and acted to step back on the relationship, something that was perfectly fair to do, but with a tone that has now put the whole relationship in jeapordy. I'd love some advice on what to do now to help the trust come back. I feel time and consistency not talking about the subject are important. I also have to preserve my own credibility, because my feelings are perfectly valid. I think what she wants more than anything is acceptance. Yet, she doesn't know how to talk about it in a way that is reassuring. Maybe after a week or so, if I can avoid any bad reactions, I can venture some support. Overtime I will learn more. I do need to talk somewhere though for my own sanity so maybe I will come back here. I'd like to just trust, take her as she is, and not even think about it all. What I would like her to say is: I am sexually attracted to you. Flat out. But she won't say that, or if she has, it was more defensive. Thank you for the big lesbian hug! You don't know how much I need that right now  It's awesome to be connected to you here. It really is. It may well be a tempest in a teacup. It could in practice be nothing. It could be more. The truth is I can't really feel I fully know her yet. Other times, I feel I am making too much of nothing. One thing that would help, would be understanding how a "straight" woman can like lesbian porn. I mean, doesn't that by definition mean you are bisexual? And, is it true that most or nearly all bisexual women prefer other women's bodies? I saw a study online that showed that with unclear number of subjects. Do these straight women who watch lesbian porn not feel sexually or emotionally attracted to women in a significant way in real life? Is there any data on this? It is hard to wrap your mind around. Maybe it is about religious guilt. There could be a religious aspect with my gf culturally although she is not religious herself at all. Thanx again |
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Post by Saathi on Jan 14, 2024 11:46:59 GMT
Hi St8male. Glad the forums are helping. I'm sure it is still a confusing time for you and perhaps beyond forums unpacking your feelings with a support line, counsellor etc - will give you the privacy and confidentiality to work through your thinking and lived experiences. For me as gay man I sometimes watch straight porn but for me that doesn't make me bisexual. Porn is just porn to me. I guess on the rare occasion I watch porn it allows me a sense of escapism and release. Sometimes I am just curious. It really depends on what your partner is watching it for but also understanding how this may invalidate your feelings. Is this something you can talk to her about? A lot of straight women only watch gay porn because they find it hotter but doesn't mean they are bisexual. Basically porn is there to meet our internal needs. Sounds like you have a good sex life with her and sometimes intimacy can work too. Intimacy can be physical or mentally stimulating. From my own lived experiences I can relate to how confusing this may be for you, but perhaps not seeking advice or listening to other people's opinions may affect your trust with her and yourself. Keep communicating, taking to each other, perhaps even consider watching porn together? This might spice up your sex life? Or widening your social circles - say once a month. Listening to each other not just verbally but through non-verbal language is often key. Giving each other space too. Religious guilt can sometimes play a part but once you fully trust each other then any shame or guilt can be quashed. Have a look at this >> www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame?language=enThere's some organisations out there who have more experience with supporting bisexual people and there partners. If you need to talk to someone further here's some orgs: gladd.co.uk/bisexual-support/ But honestly, just listen to her. If she's on a journey, it's her journey an she'll need support. If it's nothing. You have nothing to worry about - you get a partner who likes lesbian porn. Hope that helps. Please feel free to come back if you have any further questions. |
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Post by lynn84 on Jan 15, 2024 16:34:27 GMT
Thanks so much Lynn. Another really helpful response. Yes, your summary is right. Although I doubt she is a lesbian, because she becomes physiologically aroused top and bottom when with me. Can a woman do that? I don't see how. The way she touches my back during sex is very delicate and I just don't see how that would not be love. So, my bet is she is just attracted to both sexes, possibly women more. But only she would know. She definately identifies as straight and says she has never had sex with a woman. I agree re others saying not to trust her. She is doing her best, and I don't believe she is trying to manipulate me. This is about her process, and me dealing with the uncertainty of it. Thank you for being the kind of support I/we need. Two nights ago, we actually had a really good talk. She was calm and safe. We made progress. Then I stupidly posted online on a negative forum which I have now deleted, got frightened by the warnings, and acted to step back on the relationship, something that was perfectly fair to do, but with a tone that has now put the whole relationship in jeapordy. I'd love some advice on what to do now to help the trust come back. I feel time and consistency not talking about the subject are important. I also have to preserve my own credibility, because my feelings are perfectly valid. I think what she wants more than anything is acceptance. Yet, she doesn't know how to talk about it in a way that is reassuring. Maybe after a week or so, if I can avoid any bad reactions, I can venture some support. Overtime I will learn more. I do need to talk somewhere though for my own sanity so maybe I will come back here. I'd like to just trust, take her as she is, and not even think about it all. What I would like her to say is: I am sexually attracted to you. Flat out. But she won't say that, or if she has, it was more defensive. Thank you for the big lesbian hug! You don't know how much I need that right now It's awesome to be connected to you here. It really is. It may well be a tempest in a teacup. It could in practice be nothing. It could be more. The truth is I can't really feel I fully know her yet. Other times, I feel I am making too much of nothing. One thing that would help, would be understanding how a "straight" woman can like lesbian porn. I mean, doesn't that by definition mean you are bisexual? And, is it true that most or nearly all bisexual women prefer other women's bodies? I saw a study online that showed that with unclear number of subjects. Do these straight women who watch lesbian porn not feel sexually or emotionally attracted to women in a significant way in real life? Is there any data on this? It is hard to wrap your mind around. Maybe it is about religious guilt. There could be a religious aspect with my gf culturally although she is not religious herself at all. Thanx again Yes, the internet can be wonderful thing but it can also be awful. Lots of people who think they know it all. At least you found here and I hope our posts can help you. I feel time and consistency not talking about the subject are important
Yep, time is a great healer. But communication is also important. Letting things sweep under the carpet isn't helpful too. You don't want to resent her or the situation but you can give it time but also come back to it when you both have time to settle. Thank you for the big lesbian hug!
No problem, straighty! You're now our little Straighty McStraightton. One thing that would help, would be understanding how a "straight" woman can like lesbian porn.I don't know how to explain it. Think about it this way. If you hook up with a man does that make you gay? No, it's just sex and sex is just a physical act. It's what's going on inside which makes you gay or straight or whatever. Just because someone does something doesn't mean they are one thing or another. When it comes to sexuality 1+1 does not = 2. I think with your girlfriend it's possible she's on the sexuality spectrum. Sexuality can be fluid. Someone can be 90% gay and 10% straight. Would they say they are bisexual - probably not. It's complicated how people define themselves but because we live in a society that's fascinated with labels we must be able to put a word on something or if doesn't make sense. The thing is - it doesn't have to make sense. It is what it is. Whatever your outcome I hope you stick with us and feel free to unload your thoughts and feelings. Also, have you thought about couples counselling? Love L xx |
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It's awesome to be connected to you here. It really is. 