Hi there Mikeh,
Thanks for your post and reaching out at this really difficult time, you've absolutely done the right thing. I guess I'd like to start by saying that I understand, and you're not alone. Chemsex is one of the big reasons I joined HERO and wanted to work on OutLife, because for years I was in a similar position to you. I'd go out for drinks of an evening, end up taking chems and being in the same place you are now. I get how you must be feeling right now: the feelings of shame and regret are so real, even though they are unwarranted. Chems and sex are such a potent mix, and my emotions afterwards would be all over the place, especially because the comedown after G / mephedrone / meth is extreme.
Right now I want you to know several things. Firstly, help is out there when it comes to chem use, and things can get better. Secondly, you're not alone and the feelings you're currently experiencing will pass. I've got a lot of information I can give that I think will help, so I've tried to split it into three sections: safety, right now, and longer term.
Top priority right now is keeping yourself safe. If you're having suicidal thoughts (I used to get the same thoughts after using chems) then it's really important to keep your phone with you, and try to talk to someone if you can. I found that in the hardest moments, calling helplines was an absolute godsend:
1) Samaritans 116 123 - You don't have to be suicidal to call, and they will listen without judgement. It's an amazing service. If you're not feeling safe then I thoroughly recommend calling them immediately. Even if you are feeling safe, but the feelings are overwhelming, talking to them can be cathartic and make you feel better. I've used the service several times, and if anything, it allowed me to pass some of the time during the comedown with another human being.
2) Switchboard 0300 330 0630 - Other times I've called Switchboard, which is an LGBTQ+ charity staffed by LGBTQ+ people. Trust me, they've heard from people on chemsex comedowns before, so there's no need to feel self conscious. It's an amazing service, and unlike Samaritans, they might be able to refer to you to somewhere that can offer further assistance. I always found it comforting knowing that another person from the community was on the other end of the phone.
3) Emergency services 999 - If you're feeling really unsafe or are planning to take your life, please call 999 immediately and ask for an ambulance, they can take you somewhere where you can receive care and get stay safe.
Next up: the short term. You're in the middle of an extreme comedown from the meth and G and you need to give your body and brain the things they need to recover. Below is a list of tips (some personal, others from official services) that will help you navigate the next week. You can get through it, and as time passes you'll feel better.
- Post-chems self care -
- Make sure you're eating, drinking, and try to take a shower even if you don't feel like it. It's really hard to do, and takes 100 times more effort than usual, but they're small achievements that will make your body and mind feel more comfortable.
- Nest! Get a bundle of blankets, slap on an extremely comforting TV show, plonk yourself on the sofa and try to focus, as much as you can, on simply getting through each moment by diverting your attention to whatever you're watching. My favourite show was always Star Trek for a comedown as it's not taxing and not too heavy.
- Call someone. If you have any friends that can help you, then make sure to give them a call, or even just a text, and let them know you're in a rough patch. If you're up to it, maybe ask them over just so they can sit next to you on the sofa for a couple of hours. I've had friends do this for me, and even though we wouldn't really talk, their presence was really comforting.
- Don't try and fix everything right this second! It's incredibly tempting to think you have to try and sort all the problems right now: the chems, the issues to lead to chems. Right now your only task is getting your mental state back to a roughly even keel. It's okay to think about things you might do, but don't ruminate on them. You can take this one step at a time, and that's 100% fine.
- It's also worth mentioning sexual health here. You don't mention what kind of sex you had, whether you're on prep, or whether you used condoms, but if you think you might been exposed to a risk, then get yourself down to a sexual health clinic to see whether they think you should take PEP. In London, Burrell St and Dean St clinics are both excellent at chems aftercare and are extremely LGBTQ+ friendly. If you're outside of London, take a look around.
Lots of this information, and more, is available on the excellent Friday / Monday website which exists purely to give out advice to gay men on chems use:
www.fridaymonday.org.uk/- Longer term -
I don't want to make this section too long as I don't want to overload you right now. However, I would like to make you aware of a few services which could help out in the coming weeks. There is lots of advice and assistance out there, and I've used a few of these places myself.
- Antidote
londonfriend.org.uk/get-support/drugsandalcohol/antidote-accessing-our-services/#.XdVH11f7QuUYou don't mention whether you're in London, but if you are, then London Friend operates its antidote chems service which is AMAZING. They operate several weekly drop-ins across the capital. They're there to support you in your future direction, whether that's moderating your use, continuing but keeping safe, or abstinence from chems. I'd really recommend heading to one if you can. I found speaking to one of their workers empowering.
- LGBT Foundation
lgbt.foundation/drugsandalcohol If you're further north, then LGBT Foundation offers a similar service, including one to one support, telephone and online support and access to mutual aid and peer support groups.
- London Friend and ELOP
www.outlife.org.uk/lgbtq-peer-support-and-counsellingIt might also be worth thinking about talking to a therapist, over the long term, about your mental health. I've seen a gay therapist for a long while now and it's really helped to deconstruct the reasons for my use. Right now London Friend and ELOP are offering online counselling sessions for free. Even if it's just for a few sessions, it could be a really great step forward, if you're comfortable with it.
Like I said, I don't want to overload you, so I'll sign off here. I know you're probably dealing with a lot of feelings right now, but I hope some of the above has helped you feel calmer, and understand that there are routes forward. I've personally used a lot of the resources above and lots of them were incredibly helpful. I know I've said it several times now, but you are not alone! OutLife, and other services are here to help.
It would be great if you could check in and let us know how you're doing, whenever you feel comfortable. And if you have any more questions or want more links / resources, just shout.
Lots of OutLife love,
Justin
