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Post by butterfly on Jul 7, 2024 19:29:39 GMT
Hi, I'm a 38y (f) and have been married to my husband for nearly 10 years. We have 2 primary aged children together. I have recently, after years of confused feelings and thoughts and trying to push them back, come to understand and fully accept that I am not straight, and it feels so liberating to accept myself for who I am. I am however, totally in the closet at present, and know I need to have a difficult conversation with my husband. We have always struggled with our sex life and never really had that connection. I love him and care about him, but am not sexually attracted to him. In fact I dread sex and try to avoid it. When I think about women though it's like I've had a sexual awakening. I've never enjoyed hetro sex and looking back I think I just did what I thought was the expected path of life to be on by marrying and having children. Does anyone have any advice on how to come out to a straight husband. He's such a kind and sensitive soul and I feel so awful that I know I'm going to shatter his world, but I can't keep living a lie to him now I know about my sexuality. He deserves to experience a better relationship than what we have. I also worry that he may be so upset he might out me to someone else when I'm not ready for that yet. It just feels like a big mess.
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Post by skilly on Jul 9, 2024 9:03:34 GMT
Hi Butterfly, Thank you for coming to the forums for support on this! from my perspective on reading this I think it may be worth while speaking/coming out to a close friend or family member first and then have them being there to support you when you tell your husband! there is also a thread on here with loads of people discussing the situation you are currently in so connecting to people who are going through something similar may be helpful! I completely understand the fear of the unknown and coming to terms with sexuality can be a tricky journey and coming out needs to be done on your terms, It could be beneficial seeking advice from an LGBTQ+ counselor so you have an impartial person to speak to and prepare for coming out! It may be a mess at first as he will need to come to terms with things changing but hopefully at the end you will both come out of this to a place of understanding. You may find these links helpful and I truly wish you the best on this journey! - www.lgbthero.org.uk/coming-out- www.thetrevorproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/Coming-Out-Handbook.pdf |
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Post by Saathi on Jul 11, 2024 10:12:21 GMT
Dear Butterfly, hope all is going well and skilly response is really useful indeed.
Best wishes
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Post by butterfly on Jul 21, 2024 9:15:21 GMT
Hi Skilly and Saathi, thanks for your responses, they're really appreciated. I will have a look at the other threads as I can see there are others in my situation or similar. I think confiding in someone else first and/ or looking into counselling is a great idea. I find it really hard to communicate with my husband and our relationship is functional but definitely not deep. I started to sow a seed the other day by telling him that at the moment I feel like we have no emotional connection, (this is genuinely the truth). I wanted to gauge his response when I said 'I know there's been tension between us'. He looked really confused for a moment and then didn't really say much other than life has been so busy it's probably that. Then there was this awkward silence and the subject was changed. He's just carried on as normal since. I'm just a bit shocked that I told him outright that I feel no emotional connection in our marriage (which is a huge thing) and it's like my feelings weren't validated. I feel like I opened up to him and showed vulnerability and he gave me nothing back - a completely closed book. I'm giving him space to process in case it's that, but since we don't seem to be able to talk on a deep level (our relationship has always been like this) I think this is definitely going to need a guiding voice to help. I can't even imagine how he'd react to a conversation about sexuality!
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Post by skilly on Jul 22, 2024 15:22:25 GMT
Hi Butterfly,
Firstly that's great that you've started those conversations to gauge where they may go, I'm sorry that he didnt validate those feelings, He may still be processing or simply doesn't know/realise that a conversation needs to be had there.
I truly hope you get the support you need so you can have the conversation you need/want to have with him.
Kindest
SKilly
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Post by ottine on Aug 6, 2024 8:21:55 GMT
Hey there, I can totally understand why you're feeling so overwhelmed. It takes a lot of courage to face your truth and want to be honest with your husband. When you're ready to talk to him, choose a quiet, private time where you can both express your feelings without interruptions. Be honest but gentle, and let him know how much you care about him and want the best for both of you.
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Post by Saathi on Aug 6, 2024 10:25:48 GMT
Hello, i think it is healthy to focus on your daily self-care, things that make you happy and validated. I hope things are progressing well and you have managed to reach out to talk and unpack how you are feel. Sounds like you are trying your best.
Sending best wishes
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