Confused about my bf

Hi Liz,

Firstly, thank you for your post. This forum is a non-judgemental space where people can feel free to ask whatever questions they want about sexuality and beyond, and I hope that I can help somewhat.

I guess it's helpful for me to start by saying that while I haven't ever experienced your situation, I do know a lot of people who are in opposite sex relationships where one, or both partners are also attracted to the same sex. These are happy, healthy relationships, which are totally functional. Beyond my own experience, there are a tonne of bisexual people out there who are in opposite sex relationships - these are happening around us all the time! It's quite normal for people to be attracted to more than one gender, and it sounds like this is your partner's experience.

You asked him whether he's gay, and he said no, and I'm sensing you have anxiety around his answer, but it could be 100% correct. Not everyone who is attracted to men identifies as gay, and many people are attracted to both men and women, whilst others are more interested in a person's personality than their gender. Enjoying sex with women doesn't preclude someone from also enjoying sex with men, and vice versa. Lots of people with these feelings identify as bisexual, but many don't.

Within the community we've developed language that helps us label people, as humans we love to label things! Gay, straight, bisexual, asexual, pansexual - these are all labels we use to try and categorise human sexuality, but that's all they are: labels. It's a common perspective these days that sexuality is probably more of a spectrum than a series of absolute points that you are, or are not. For instance, a lot of people who identify as gay, might also have occasional sexual feelings about women, but they're mostly attracted to men, so the label of gay works for them.

Taking this into account, your partner doesn't seem to identify as gay, but maybe they identify as something else? I'm not here to give advice, but one thing I can say is that whatever someone's label, or even if they haven't labelled themselves at all, it doesn't preclude them from being in a happy relationship. Also, talking to someone openly, and honestly, about their sexuality can be great for both parties in terms of understanding one another. It sounds like your partner has opened this dialogue, so this might be a discussion worth continuing with them.

Another thing that is worth mentioning is that a lot people who don't identify has gay or straight experience a discrimination and negativity surrounding their sexual orientation. Many feel scared to disclose for fear of prejudice from within and outside the LGBTQ+ community, like, for instance, being told their sexuality "doesn't exist", or that they're just "being greedy". It's a big step, and quite brave for someone to tell others about their feelings when they don't conform to the most well-known sexual labels. 

Below I'm going to link to some resources you may find helpful. A few are just online bits and pieces to read, and others are LGBTQ+ organisations that can talk to:

OutLife - The main site has a great glossary of terms around sexual orientation. It might help to read through these.

Bi.org - This site has a great Q&A around bisexuality. Even if your partner doesn't turn out to identify as bisexual, it may prove a helpful read.

SupportU - Is an organisation dedicated to helping LGBTQ+ people and their families and loved ones. If you've got more questions, or want to know how you can best support your partner, maybe you should give them a call?

I hope you find some of the above helpful. Always feel free to post again and let us know how you're getting along.

All the best,
Justin