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Post by peterpansexual on Feb 2, 2020 17:30:33 GMT
I'm struggling with how to tell my family that I am pan and don't know my gender. I don't know if they will support me, or how to word it, or anything about it. I was hoping someone would have some tips on how to say it.
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Post by simonjr on Feb 3, 2020 10:42:10 GMT
I'm struggling with how to tell my family that I am pan and don't know my gender. I don't know if they will support me, or how to word it, or anything about it. I was hoping someone would have some tips on how to say it. insert code hereHi Peter, It is nerve wracking for sure. I feel for you. Not only do you have to break the news to them but you are clearly uncertain what their reaction will be. On top of that, you are uncertain yourself about your gender identity. Personally I would certainly talk face to face or on the phone to a healthcare professional. You might like to start with the Switchboard - number is up the top of the page. If not, an appointment with your GP maybe, if you feel they are approachable and they can refer you if need be. Clearly you don't regard your parents as approachable. Sounds to me also that you may need to educate them on the matter first, and that is hard. Perhaps that is better done by someone else? Anyway, for what they are worth, just some of my thoughts overnight after seeing this yesterday. Hopefully a moderator can give you a fuller set of pointers. Take care. Simon. |
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Post by Piltover on Feb 3, 2020 18:36:19 GMT
Hi there Peter, Thanks for your post. It's really great that you're reaching out and we're here to help! I don't know exactly what you're going through but I remember coming out as a gay man and how nervous I was leading up to it. Finding the words, and the right time, and the personal will to go through with it was super hard. However, I also remember having friends support me and help me to find the best way for me to do it. Eventually I wrote my parents a letter and let them read it when they were going out. It gave me the space to say exactly what I wanted, how I wanted, without fear of it coming out wrong. What works for you could be different! Your message was short but it sounds from what you've said like you've settled on coming out, so I'm going to primarily focus on the 'how' rather than the 'whether you should. Here are a few things that are helpful for anyone to think about when they're coming out (a lot of this is covered in much more depth in the resources I link to later): - Support: Do you have access to support from friends, colleagues, teachers, or somewhere else? It can be really important to make sure that you've got people you can confide in and turn to before and after you've come out. It can be a turbulent time and it's a good idea to have people you can turn to. - Consider: What you want to say and how you want to say it? Would you feel comfortable talking to people individually? Would you be happier talking to them as a group? Maybe a letter would be easier for you? There are loads of different ways to come out and no single one is right. - Safety: How can you maximise your physical and emotional safety? I say this making no assumptions about your family and what their reaction may be, but it's an important thing to consider. These are just a few things to consider. What might be more helpful is for you to read some of the following resources or contact some the organisations: - LGBT Youth Scotland has a great online guide to coming out for non-genderconforming individuals www.lgbtyouth.org.uk/media/1054/coming-out-guide-for-t-people.pdf There is tonnes of helpful information and things for you to consider here, from coming out step by step to coming out at school / work. Stonewall also has a version of this document which you may find helpful www.stonewall.org.uk/system/files/coming_out.pdf- Calling Switchboard to go over the idea could be a great way for you to reflect on your own thoughts. Switchboard is an LGBTQ+ operated helpline that that is open 10am-10pm: 0300 330 0630. You can also talk to them via webchat switchboard.lgbt/ or email chris@switchboard.lgbt. - Mermaids is a charity for non-genderconforming young people (you don't mention your age, but this is useful if you're 25 or below). They provide advice and suppport on a huge range of topics. 0808 801 0400 Monday – Friday; 9am – 9pm I hope some of the above are helpful for you. Please let us know how you're getting along and if you have any more questions then don't hesitate to ask me or the community. J |
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Post by 50veryconfuciusman on Feb 9, 2020 12:20:06 GMT
Hi.
I'm in a similar situation I guess but it feels way worse as I'm slightly older, 50 this year. I guess I've been a closeted gay man all my life, trying to do the marriage, daughter, etc. Ok the marriage didn't last but I've been in a straight relationship for past 10 years. Unbeknownst to me, I've had a giant aneurysm for 36 years, the result of a motorcycle accident, helmet less, that in 2016 decided it was time to burst. 4 days in a coma, a platinum coil where the bleed was, and then 4 years of trying to work out who I am now, the person I was before has gone, everything I had a lid on and control of, no more, I guess you could call it the Phil effect. I understand the suicidal thoughts, I have them daily, will I act on them? No way, couldn't do it to my daughter or grandchildren now. I was brought up Roman Catholic in the 70's, so my gay shame is off the charts plus I'm trying to recover from a brain haemorraghe that really should have killed me. I have seen the 3d scan of my head, I have no logical explanation for why I'm still here, but I am. And GAY, I had a breakdown in December 2018 and kind of came out then to my gf, daughter, close friend, but then I back tracked and bottled it, who even does that? I have to come out at some point, at the moment I'm living a lie to please everyone else.
Glen
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Post by simonjr on Feb 9, 2020 13:34:16 GMT
Hi Glen. Thanks so much for sharing your story. I'm a 63 yr old gay man brought up in a strict christian system. I have struggled all my life and been out and then bottled-out many times I can't count. I know where you are coming from there.
I have 3 children no grandchildren though. When Phil came out the other day I totally got it. My head needed to put it right. It is not a small thing as some people have said it is in the media. My complete breakdown was in 2000 and I am still not fully over it. It's the worst feeling isn't it!! I no longer feel guilt but that emotion has tended to be replaced with anger which isn't good to have either!
Accepting what has happened, and now living in the moment as best I can, is all I can do and it is generally working for me.
I hope you can find a way through. Whether or not you come out fully (if that is ever possible because there are always people to tell and can get tiring) is up to you of course. Only you know what the pros and cons are for your situation. All I can say is that when I finally broke through and was able to refuse the temptation to bottle-out, I have never been more happy. Some people I have heard of, it didn't work out well and they became homeless for a while, and that's a high price to pay. But I think these days, generally things work out well and often for the better.
Best wishes
Simon.
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Post by 50veryconfuciusman on Feb 9, 2020 13:39:21 GMT
Hi Simon. Thank you. So much of what Phil said resonated with me.
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Post by simonjr on Feb 21, 2020 15:59:52 GMT
Hi Simon. Thank you. So much of what Phil said resonated with me. You're welcome :-) |
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Post by musicman85 on Jun 25, 2020 3:14:57 GMT
It's how you feel comfortable of yourself
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Post by simonjr on Jun 25, 2020 12:48:22 GMT
It's how you feel comfortable of yourself Welcome to the Forums, Musicman85. Yes indeed, keeping in control and being comfortable with how 'out' you are, and how you go about it, is very important. |
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