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Post by 00halo00 on Feb 8, 2020 12:37:27 GMT
Hi,
I really need to get some things out of my head and written down. I've been struggling a lot with coming to terms with my sexuality. I recently turned 25 and I 'came out' to myself last year when I was 24. I had so much anxiety about it and was so scared about it. I felt physically sick when I finally realised that this was exactly who I am.
For years, I totally repressed it and I was convincing myself that I should be in a relationship with a man. I tried to force myself to do that but whenever I would think about having sex with a man, it made me feel really anxious, distressed and even unsafe. I felt like I was trapped because I couldn't accept that I was a lesbian but I also couldn't force myself to 'play it straight'.
I came out to my closest friends in August 2019 and I had some positive reactions and support, but I've been really scared to tell other friends and also my family. On Wednesday this week, I came out on my social media so that I could just get it over with and not have to talk to each friend individually. I still haven't come out to my family thought.
Even though I've partially come out, I am still struggling to accept that this is my life and that I'm a lesbian. I start to feel really dirty and ashamed of it. The frustrating thing is that I would never think that about someone else who was LGBT, but it's like with myself there's a different set of rules. I think really derogatory comments about myself - things that I've heard other people say about gay people in the past. For example, I'll hear the voice of someone saying "dirty lesbian", "filthy", "disgusting" and I can't help but feel those things.
Around 8 months ago, I had a breakthrough moment where I vowed to accept myself for who I am, but even after doing that and having that realisation, I still struggle a lot with it. I have really bad anxiety as well about the perceptions of others because I know there are some absolute idiots who verbally and even physically abuse LGBT people in public. When I'm going about my daily life, I think of scenarios in which someone could judge me for being gay. When I'm walking out of a shop, or I order some drinks, or I get into a taxi, I always think "how would this person react and treat me if I'd just kissed a woman or was holding hands with a woman". I have a big fear of people whose religion states that being gay is wrong because I feel like they are going to hate me.
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Post by Piltover on Feb 10, 2020 13:49:11 GMT
Hi there 00halo00, Thanks so much for your post. It sounds like you're going through a rough time at the moment. I'd like to start by saying that you're not alone. As LGBTQ+ people we often difficult experiences when it comes to accepting our sexuality. I totally relate to you saying that you apply a different set of rules to yourself than to everyone else - I think it's the same for a lot of us! We're incredibly harsh critics of ourselves where we would offer nothing but acceptance and love to others. Every now and then I catch myself in one of those thoughts about being 'dirty' or 'wrong', even today after being out for over a decade. It's a hard habit to shake, but with the help of therapy, friends, and learning about myself over the past 16 years I can quash those thoughts when they arise. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you  A key message I'd iterate in this response is that things can, and do, get better. It's not always a fast process, but given time, and the right encouragement and environment, we can come to love ourselves for who we are. This process can go on for years, but it's wholly worth it. Regardless of how many cruel things you think of yourself right now, it doesn't always have to be this way. Below I'm going to link to some resources and organisations that I think might be helpful. You don't mention where you are based so I'm going to try and keep most of my suggestions national and online: - If you'd like to talk about coming out with someone who is LGBTQ+, then call Switchboard, a service run by LGBTQ+ volunteers. It might help to speak to someone else who understands the feelings you're experiencing, and they might be able to forward you to a local service that can help. - You may also want to try SupportU which offers support and advice to people after they've come out 0118 321 9111 www.supportu.org.uk/coming-out.php- I'm not medically trained, but lots of LGBTQ+ people struggling with unwanted thoughts benefit from psychotherapy. Here's a link to the main OutLife site to an article about how and where to find a therapist: www.outlife.org.uk/accessing-mental-healthcare- Depending on where you are on your journey, you might find that you'd be happy to join a lesbian social group or meetup. There are lots of them listed online at www.meetup.com/, if you're in London, you could also try using our mapping service FindOut, to find a lesbian group: findout.outlife.org.uk/ There's everything from poetry recitals to women's rugby out there! - Charities like London Friend londonfriend.org.uk/ and LGBT Foundation lgbt.foundation/ in Manchester offer drop-in services where you can go and have a cuppa, talk to other people, and maybe even talk to someone about your feelings. Might be worth looking up a local LGBTQ+ charity and seeing what they offer? I hope that you find some of the above helpful. In time, feelings like the ones you're having often fade, especially when people find a home within the community where we can engage and be ourselves without fear. If you have any more questions or just want to check in, then please post again. Jxx |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 16, 2020 4:04:22 GMT
Hi, I really need to get some things out of my head and written down. I've been struggling a lot with coming to terms with my sexuality. I recently turned 25 and I 'came out' to myself last year when I was 24. I had so much anxiety about it and was so scared about it. I felt physically sick when I finally realised that this was exactly who I am. For years, I totally repressed it and I was convincing myself that I should be in a relationship with a man. I tried to force myself to do that but whenever I would think about having sex with a man, it made me feel really anxious, distressed and even unsafe. I felt like I was trapped because I couldn't accept that I was a lesbian but I also couldn't force myself to 'play it straight'. I came out to my closest friends in August 2019 and I had some positive reactions and support, but I've been really scared to tell other friends and also my family. On Wednesday this week, I came out on my social media so that I could just get it over with and not have to talk to each friend individually. I still haven't come out to my family thought. Even though I've partially come out, I am still struggling to accept that this is my life and that I'm a lesbian. I start to feel really dirty and ashamed of it. The frustrating thing is that I would never think that about someone else who was LGBT, but it's like with myself there's a different set of rules. I think really derogatory comments about myself - things that I've heard other people say about gay people in the past. For example, I'll hear the voice of someone saying "dirty lesbian", "filthy", "disgusting" and I can't help but feel those things. Around 8 months ago, I had a breakthrough moment where I vowed to accept myself for who I am, but even after doing that and having that realisation, I still struggle a lot with it. I have really bad anxiety as well about the perceptions of others because I know there are some absolute idiots who verbally and even physically abuse LGBT people in public. When I'm going about my daily life, I think of scenarios in which someone could judge me for being gay. When I'm walking out of a shop, or I order some drinks, or I get into a taxi, I always think "how would this person react and treat me if I'd just kissed a woman or was holding hands with a woman". I have a big fear of people whose religion states that being gay is wrong because I feel like they are going to hate me. Hi I feel your pain with what you are saying and going through.. as I'm a bi male who hasn't come out and really wants to.. I'm 44 and I'm at the point where I know I have to come out as it's destroying me inside.. I just haven't thought of how I am going to and who I am going to turn to.. I think I'm more scared of what my close friends will say more the male friends than female.. but I suppose I won't be happy in my life till I do.. I'm at that point where I don't care about people who don't know me think about me.. I wish you the best of luck in your journey.. |
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Post by bubus on Apr 6, 2021 12:58:23 GMT
Essentially, if you had found a gf you wouldn't be thinking of any of this, because you would be in it together and you probably would fight back at this for the love of her.
But if you don't do it for the love of yourself, how would you find someone else to love?
I feel for your struggles and it all seem very unnecessary from anyone who spent time on formulating those insults. People are scared of what they don't experience first-hand. They think they will lose their privileged role in affectionate games. Instead of being chill and get to know, they sometimes act out and find a common enemy, very unnecessarily.
I cannot really say that what you feel is easy to face, because I am the most privileged letter of the lgbtq group as I am bisexual. Although I don't choose who I like, there is a theoretical freedom for me to choose, which does not apply to both straight and lesbian people. So I cannot preach anything onto you, because your situation is more similar to the one of straight people than mine, with a load of discrimination and stereotypes on top.
Just show who you are! After people get to know a real person, why would they hate on her? They would rather hate on a stereotype, an idea, something in the air they can control and project their own insecurities on. Something abstract.
But you are not abstract, you are you. And most of all, you belong to you. And you need take care of your loving energy and your social circle.
One last thing about the girls I really fancied in my life, as a girl.
Wild, courageous, fierce, delicate, complex, willing, action-oriented, flexible, loving, tender, real. None of this was disgusting.
My feelings often brought me to experience love in a way best described by nature or animals. It has been like holding a bunny on my chest. Like running in the woods with a female archer on my side. Like playing with an unknown type of snake chasing me between dark rocks. Like her hair were made of fire tongues. Like we were holding a star. I was feeling this, this is a description of lesbian feelings and I don't see how it would bother an external observer.
There are old pieces of poetry from Saffo that straight people appreciate because they are universally powerful and descriptive, even though Saffo was a lesbian and only wrote poetry as such.
You don't have to like all lesbian representation and movies (good lord, some are bad), but I think you can find more than a few examples of lesbian people being perfectly normal/ loavable/ strong/ positive in their own endeavours.
You don't have to like Ellen Degeneres (she is disgusting to me. A lesbian scientist I follow on youtube? not at all disgusting. My lesbian friend? not at all disgusting), you have to like yourself.
Some people would like women to always hate themselves and be on edge, so we are easier to bring home with a few silly words for men. They expect and demand women to be broken and needy of their bare male status, so they would be good ''pure'' artificial women for them to throw insults at and keep in a box. Don't be bothered by that kind of people, a pest of our society.
I hope you can go on loving yourself today, and bringing YOU into everything new you try.
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