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Post by chrisjack on Jun 12, 2020 13:54:31 GMT
Hi. I'm in a similar situation I guess but it feels way worse as I'm slightly older, 50 this year. I guess I've been a closeted gay man all my life, trying to do the marriage, daughter, etc. Ok the marriage didn't last but I've been in a straight relationship for past 10 years. Unbeknownst to me, I've had a giant aneurysm for 36 years, the result of a motorcycle accident, helmet less, that in 2016 decided it was time to burst. 4 days in a coma, a platinum coil where the bleed was, and then 4 years of trying to work out who I am now, the person I was before has gone, everything I had a lid on and control of, no more, I guess you could call it the Phil effect. I understand the suicidal thoughts, I have them daily, will I act on them? No way, couldn't do it to my daughter or grandchildren now. I was brought up Roman Catholic in the 70's, so my gay shame is off the charts plus I'm trying to recover from a brain haemorraghe that really should have killed me. I have seen the 3d scan of my head, I have no logical explanation for why I'm still here, but I am. And GAY, I had a breakdown in December 2018 and kind of came out then to my gf, daughter, close friend, but then I back tracked and bottled it, who even does that? I have to come out at some point, at the moment I'm living a lie to please everyone else. To be perfectly honest, I have no idea what I am, very confused. Glen |
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Post by chrisjack on Jun 12, 2020 14:39:42 GMT
Hi, Thanks for all these posts its really helped me to realise that I am not alone. I am 50 , married with teenage children and secretly gay (even writing it is quite hard!). Have I always been gay ? To be honest I am not sure though I have always enjoyed looking at the naked male form from a a young age. Though I had my first encounter with another guy when I was about 25 and just mentally hid it away at the back of mind (though I never regretted it as it was very natural).It never felt quite right having straight sex. I have though started to have liaisons with other men in the last 18 months using the well known gay dating app and have really enjoyed them. (always safe). I have recently met another guy and hooked up a quite a few times and would definitely be bf material if i could commit!
Now though is not the time to come out as it would be disruptive and may take a burden off my shoulders -but would be very selfish to the family. I should add that I don't have sex with my wife anymore and I think she is suspicious of my sexuality. Given everything going on in the world I have no reason to get depressed etc but I do feel like a caged tiger !
So for the time being I am firmly in the closet !
BW
Chris
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Post by simonjr on Jun 12, 2020 15:05:26 GMT
Hi Jack. I want to thank you for your posts and honesty. Some interesting thoughts you have expressed. You are indeed not alone in feeling the way you do and the life you have led in terms of relationships. It isn't unusual for gay men of our generation to have got married, although at 50 you are almost the next generation to me (I'm 63 fast soon to be 64). The first 11 years of my life it was fully illegal to have gay sex and you could be imprisoned for it! I knew I was gay from the age of 5 and never had any doubt. Like you I was brought up in a very strict Christian setting, although not RC. It certainly can give you a self loathing that is off the scale! Even when I was at college the age of consent was 21 and being very anxious and nervous type of person with an almost inability to be dishonest, I was very inhibited by the thought of the age restriction.
I got married for 12 years before having a complete breakdown. But before that I was out and bottled-out many times. A major bottled-out period led me to get married. My wife knew about me but we 'prayed' that all would be well. Well it wasn't. I knew from the wedding night it was going to be very hard to cope with. I just trusted god it would be alright. Again, it wasn't alright. Eventually a GP advised that the marriage was making me too ill and that I should consider separating (I had said my wife and I had been discussing it, so he was just confirming rather than suggesting). Turns out that I have been on the Autistic spectrum for my whole life too and that it in itself would have made a close relationship very difficult. Add to that being gay, and you had a complete nervous breakdown.
I hope you find a way through to a happier place. Non of us have exactly the same journey but there are many things we have in common. Take care. Simon.
PS I am not a believer now. Just saying.
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Post by chrisjack on Jun 14, 2020 23:12:14 GMT
Thanks for your message, you've had a few challenges over the years, I wish you the best, will reply properly soon
Bw.
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Post by Martin on Aug 3, 2020 16:34:18 GMT
“Also, 3 of my female friends have said they're happy to give me tips on sucking d1ck cos I've never done it before. I'm sure I can work it out based on my own experiences, after all I do have my own and I know how to handle that one 😂. Gonna be fun learning.“
You will not regret it!! The moment he releases himself inside your mouth is a true moment in life to enjoy!
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Post by hughie63 on Aug 18, 2020 23:09:30 GMT
This is very comforting! I'm in my late 50s and have come out as homosexual to many people. The trouble is, they're only casual acquaintances and social media friends. Nobody who actually counts. So I'm not really out at all. Not openly gay, as I long to be. Gutless!
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Post by simonjr on Aug 19, 2020 9:58:25 GMT
Hi Hughie63, Welcome to the OutLife Forums. Don't be hard on yourself. I came out and fled back into my shell many times over my life. The feelings of self preservation are strong and necessary often. Have you read any tips on Coming Out? It really is up to you how and when you reveal who you are - you have a right to a private life - it isn't gutless. But, if you want encouragement to be more out and free then there are steps you can take to achieve that. www.outlife.org.uk/coming-outA more detailed guide here by Stonewall www.stonewall.org.uk/help-advice/coming-out/coming-out-young-personAnd here is a story by Scott Roberts that may be helpful. www.outlife.org.uk/fs152-im-still-coming-outBest wishes Simon. |
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Post by SilverDad on Oct 4, 2020 13:29:02 GMT
Good to reads that others have similar experience to mine. I am in the US and have been interested in both men and women since I was a kid. I am almost 62 and my wife of 31 years found out I am interested in men and women. I was afraid to talk to her about being bisexual as I knew she would not be accepting. She is OK with the sexuality but just doesn't want to share. So, we are parting ways, she is very very angry that I could hold this as a secret for so long. Both of our children (daughter 29, son 28) are supportive and open about all of this. I am making it through with the help of a therapist. Being Bi is tough, add depression to the mix, exile by your wife and all her friends and life is really difficult. An understanding primary doctor and a good therapist are essential for any one trying to figure uot who they really are. My straight nephew summed it up this way...'I am Jealous, you get to pick from anyone in the world'. So, now I begin learning how to have an honest relationship or friendship with people that are interested and/or comfortable with my interests.
Life goes on and we continue to learn who we really are!!
Dad
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Post by simonjr on Oct 4, 2020 15:04:53 GMT
Hi SilverDad,
Welcome to the OutLife Forums. Thanks for sharing your story but sorry to hear of your difficulties. I hope that all goes well for you and your family as you move on to the future. Glad to hear you are getting therapy and your children are supportive. That's a big help I found.
Best wishes.
Simon.
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Ciaran
Newbie
Looking for other bi guys to talk to about your experiences balancing a marriage and being bi
Posts: 17 
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Post by Ciaran on Dec 11, 2020 18:09:10 GMT
Hi all. I’m 47 and now identify as bi. I always knew I had a latent attraction to guys but kept it under wraps. I met my wife when we’re 15 and she is all I have known. Recently my need to be with a man has surfaced with a vengeance and it’s tearing me apart. I talked with my wife about the possibility of opening our marriage up so that I could explore my feelings and desires but she said she didn’t want to ‘share’ me with anyone. I’m now stuck in this limbo until I can try again to move things forward. It doesn’t help that I e fallen in love with my best friend, although I’m pretty sure he doesn’t feel the same way he did express a curiosity about having sex with a guy. My son is gay so I don’t think he’s be that phased. My daughter is a different matter. I hate feeling like this, so conflicted. It doesn’t help that my wife’s health is t good and we haven’t had sex for 3 1/2 years!
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