jb
Newbie
Posts: 1
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Post by jb on Feb 21, 2020 0:21:56 GMT
Around May of 2019 I was briefly signed up to the Grindr app. I’m heterosexual but have had bisexual thoughts for years. I was newly single and so wanted to explore these feelings, for a short time at least anyway.
I shared a few pictures in private messages with guys, of my ‘privates’. I’m not embarrassed by this as such but then again, it’s not really me so I also feel pretty grubby about it. I have recently become terrified of is my ex-partner being aware of it. I say this because two of her best friends are gay and they constantly trawl Grindr under fake profiles trolling people they know and other unlucky folks. I received an odd message on Instagram a few months after which made me think that perhaps one of them had been one of the guys I’d chatted to.
I’m now scared to the point where I’m being irrational, feeling ill and stating to have suicidal thoughts. I’m scared that my ex-partner is going to do something to humiliate me. We are due to sort the mortgage out on the house we used to share and I still live in with my son and I’m afraid she could use this against me. I wrote to her last week but she’s not written back, which has only intensified my paranoia. I don’t know why I’m telling you this really as I’m sure there’s nothing you can say and maybe she’d never do such a thing. I just feel so scared, I know it’s irrational but I’ve suffered from panic attacks over the last few years and this is sending me nuts. I’d be happy to talk about such things with any of my friends but I’d rather do it on my own terms. I feel very alone and ok, ashamed. Not that I could be bisexual but the pics of course.
Sorry for being so long winded and weird.
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Post by simonjr on Feb 22, 2020 16:17:10 GMT
Hi jb,
Sorry to hear you are facing this unknown future and I understand that you could be fearful of exposure and effect it may have with your ex and especially your relationship with you son.
Just my opinion, but I don't think you have done anything wrong, per se, and I really don't see how this makes you an unfit father, if that is what you are worrying about.
I did something similar many years ago and was very worried about my pics ever being seen by family and church friends. Nothing happened. I got through it mostly by saying to myself - 'why should I be ashamed of something at the time I was proud of'? I think what has happened is you have done something rather out of character and you shocked yourself a bit. Can I suggest you don't entertain extreme thoughts? They aren't helpful and achieve nothing good. Please try and keep things in perspective.
If you can't control the feelings of panic, then you certainly need to speak to your doctor, or at least some kind of health professional. You have had a break up and there is a child involved - that is always going to be stressful! I feel for you.
Best wishes Simon.
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Post by Piltover on Feb 24, 2020 14:51:18 GMT
Hi there JB, Thanks for posting and welcome to the OutLife community. I'm sorry to hear you're having such a tough time of it, and you don't sound long winded or weird at all! Everyone goes through a period of exploration with their sexuality and this can happen earlier or later in life, but regardless of when it happens it's always both an exciting and scary time, sometimes not in equal measure depending on your circumstances. I came out quite early in life but I really sympathise with your situation. I'm not here to give you advice on what exactly you should do in your situation, but I can tell you that chatting to guys on apps and sending nude pics is a behaviour that millions of gay and bisexual men have engaged in and it's really not a shameful event. These are pictures of your own body that you've chosen to share, and that's 100% your right. You say you're experiencing a lot of shame about the pics, but I'd hazard a guess (and it is just a guess, I don't know you!) that these feelings could be connected to the way you feel about your sexuality. A lot of people struggle to come to terms with how they feel, and internalised feelings of shame and guilt can manifest in all sorts of ways. Only you can know exactly how likely it is that you've been trolled by one of your friend's mates, but the probability of such a thing happening is usually a lot lower than the perceived risk. When people send nudes and later regret it they tend to feel very exposed (trust me, I've been there too), and this really plays into paranoia and a heightened sense of risk, where in actuality there probably is none. Regardless, I agree with Simonjr in that it sounds like you're dealing with feelings you're finding hard to control and should seek some help. You mention that you're not talking with your friends about it either which means you're lacking quite a key pillar of support. I'm now going to link to some resources that you might find helpful. You don't mention where you are you in the country so I'll keep the recommendations fairly location agnostic for the moment: - If you'd like to talk to someone who is LGBTQ+, then call Switchboard, a service run by LGBTQ+ volunteers. It's an amazing service, and is totally confidential. Maybe they can allay some of your fears? Tel 0300 330 0630 10am - 10pm, webchat switchboard.lgbt/- Drop-ins at charities like London Friend and LGBT Foundation in Manchester could be a good place to talk to someone? I know you're still exploring your sexuality at the moment but they're totally open to people who are questioning and you might find people with similar experiences you can connect with. - Similarly to the above, there are also bi groups like Biphoria UK who could prove helpful, they provide meetups and safe places for people to socialise. I hope you find some of the above helpful. Please feel free to keep checking in and let us know how you're doing. J
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Post by freedom2be on Apr 29, 2020 15:49:47 GMT
Hello, Just a quick hello to check jb is OK and welcome him to these forums...Moderator JustinMj has mentioned some ideas which you can choose to follow to try to feel better about your situation. Gay and Bisexual men posting here can tell you that gay dating apps such as: Grindr and all the similar others are safe to use in the social sense...I think it is not common that people are 'outed' or threatened with disclosure after interacting in gay dating apps...In a way they play their function which is to connect people who might want to interact or seek sex from each other...But each one has their own flavour and are catering for their own subculture in a way...One thing to take into account is how sensitive is their GPS...Grindr in that sense is a bit tricky to use if you suspect the neighbour next door from you is 'closeted gay/ bi' as it will display each other profiles quite accurately in terms of distance (If he is 50 meters away it will say)...So it can happen that the neighbour just above or a few doors down gets to see who you are by means of actual social and physical description...But apart from just a bit of curiosity or just recognising someone from the grid in the local supermarket/ local road it does not generate unwanted disclosure or outing...People do not blackmail you from recognising you in Grindr profiles...That is illegal and has important consequences... and if someone ever harasses you online by all menas try to tell the police which will be discreet enough helping you out...Another of the sources of anxiety in your message is your son finding out...Well we do not know how old your son is because you have not said but in this contemporary time if we have gay/ bi tendencies and happen to be parent eventually we need to come to terms that special people in our lives is going to have to find out...We live in times when we need to accept attraction to same sex is something quite natural and common so young people specially these days should be flexible to understand the person who has raised them might also follow into the 'gay/ bi/ trans' category...in the end what counts is that you have raised that child and child will see you as their father who also just happens to be 'gay/ bi'...In those organisations justinmj has listed they offer support to families that also happen to have a member considered 'gay/ bi'...it is a gradual process to come out and it needs to be done sensibly and maturely but it helps just to know that someone can be there for you to accept, support and share things even in lockdown because we are using online methods to support people also. I hope everybody is vey well. Take good care.
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