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Post by magicdave2020 on Jul 2, 2020 18:16:45 GMT
My husband recently passed away after a long illness and, after going through his personal effects, I’ve uncovered evidence that he was leading a double life - meeting other guys via false profiles on gay dating sites. This had been going on since before we met 15 years ago until a few days before he was taken ill. I’ve found secret home videos that he’d taken of some of these meetings (it’s obvious the other guys were unaware they were being filmed), a huge porn collection with some very bizarre interests (amputees, dwarves) and messages and emails showing that he’d gone to great lengths planning these meetings at times when he knew I wouldn’t be around.
Apart from being heartbroken about losing my husband, partner and best friend, I’m having real difficulty in reconciling this dark side with the most wonderful, loving, shy, reserved, trustworthy, kind and caring person I married.
I wonder if he could have been suffering with sex addiction ? It seems he had no idea of the risks he was taking meeting up with total strangers, nor the hurt I or his family and friends would feel if we ever found out. I know he would never have done anything to knowingly hurt me in any way. I don’t feel anger towards him - I loved him too much for that, but I just wish I could understand why he felt the need to act like that.
Our last words to each other were ‘I love you’ and I know he meant it. I haven’t told anyone else about this, but it is very hard talking to his family and friends knowing about this ‘other’ side of him. Apart from feeling very lonely, I’m also afraid that I will never be able to truly trust anyone again.
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Post by simonjr on Jul 2, 2020 21:30:51 GMT
Hi Magicdave2020, Firstly, I want to say how sorry I am to hear of your loss. That in itself would be hard to bear but now that you have discovered your late husband’s secret life, you really are facing a lot to get your head around! It is lovely that you hold no hard feelings but certainly understandable that you should be perplexed and concerned in retrospect. Personally, I would be concerned that you get some good counselling from a qualified healthcare practitioner as soon as you can face doing that. I don’t know if anyone can say your husband had a sex addiction but that diagnosis is certainly something for a professional to determine for you. In addition, I hope you don’t mind me suggesting, but for your own peace of mind at least, maybe also consider getting your sexual health checked out? If you are up to chatting about on the phone, then please ring the LBGT+ Switchboard 0300 3300 0630. switchboard.lgbtVolunteers available between 10 am and 10 pm and are always good to talk things over with. They can direct you to resources if appropriate, and it’s all confidential and anonymous of course. They might suggest London Friend counselling service which I understand is now carried out via video so you don’t need to be living in London. Perhaps worth trying to give them a ring? londonfriend.org.uk/counselling/#I really hope you get through on this. Best wishes. Simon. |
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Post by Piltover on Jul 3, 2020 12:55:56 GMT
Hi MagicDave, Thank you so much for your post and welcome to the forums. Your story resonated a lot with me as I found myself in a similar situation in my last relationship - having to reconcile the person I knew and their feelings for me with their actions. It was clear that my last boyfriend loved me, but I discovered he had been having sex with other people, pretty much throughout our relationship, and that there were parts of his sexual life that he definitely hadn't been sharing with me. I can't imagine how this must have made you feel, given that you were married and he has now sadly passed. That duality can be really hard to resolve, and I think I get what you say about trust. Sometimes I have the same feelings about potential partners, like how can I ever really trust them? With my mental health hat on, I'd echo what Simon has said, that it's probably a good idea to speak to a mental health professional. You've experienced bereavement, but also the added complication of these discoveries about your partner. It could be a great idea to sit down in a structured environment, when you're ready, and talk about how this has affected you. It might also alleviate some of those feelings of loneliness: you'll be able to share your story of your partner without the difficulties of existing relationships that you have with your mutual friends and family. Lots of therapists and charities are now operating online, so you could even see someone from the comfort of your own home. Gay Men's Therapy is a good example: www.gaymenstherapy.org.uk/I really hope you found some of the above helpful. If you ever need someone to talk to, or want to share some more about your partner or how you're feeling, we're always here for you. Take care of yourself, Justin |
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Post by magicdave2020 on Jul 3, 2020 17:58:47 GMT
Thank you so much both of you. In my original post I did shorten details somewhat. He was in intensive care for nearly 3 months before passing away. I started finding out some of these things while he was there. I desperately wanted to talk to him about it but he was so ill it wasn't possible. Eventually after he'd improved a bit I started to mention what I'd seen and said 'I thought you were fed up of me and wanted to find someone else". He was visibly shocked and said "no of course I don't. I was only looking at porn". By that stage I knew it was more than that - but at least his reaction reassured me he still wanted me - despite the hidden side of his life.
I have managed to tell his sister, whom I'm very close to, but nobody else and even speaking to her about it was very difficult. I'm scared of reliving all the details with a complete stranger, and wonder if just trying to forget all about it and move on is the best thing. I've never had any kind of counselling so have no idea what it aims to achieve.
I also wonder what would have happened if he had recovered and come back home - I can't help thinking our relationship would be different. If it truly was an addiction, and he realised and accepted he need help to stop, I would have been there with him for that journey. But if he continued to deny it.....its heartbreaking to think we might have broken up. I just loved him so so much.
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Post by simonjr on Jul 3, 2020 20:44:49 GMT
Thank you for sharing more with us, MagicDave. It cannot be easy for you to talk about it. Some people find it cathartic to talk to a counsellor who has been trained to listen and make suggestions as to how you can recover from what is without question a trauma but others prefer to forget and move on by themselves.
I have had trauma also and I understand how that going over it can be also just reinforcing the memory that you really could do without. However, it can be helpful for your peace of mind to sort it out and find some resolution. You clearly have unanswered questions in your mind. A really experienced counsellor may well be able to answer them or more usually, by asking you pertinent questions, will enable you to answer them yourself! They are trained to do that. Their concern will be for you, and to find ways of facilitating a good recovery. You know, you can always discuss what has happened to you with your doctor first.
It is good that you are talking here.
Simon.
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