Married but am I a lesbian?

Hi Bambi6088,

Thank you for contacting the OutLife Forums.

I kind of know how you feel.  I was an openly gay cisgender man but due to religious pressures I went against my feelings and married a dear woman who had the faith and courage to take me on.  We had three wonderful children but after 12 years of struggles it all came to a head.

Leading up to that, I certainly remember feeling more and more depressed when seeing other gay men with men being happy. In fact, just seeing good looking guys in the street was enough to upset me.  Something died inside and I couldn't cope with the feelings I had that I had lost something very vital to my personality - and yet I was married and with children!  They too were precious! The impossibility of my situation lead to becoming very ill.  Later I have found out that I had also been exhausted masking undiagnosed Asperger's Syndrome as well.  All very difficult. 

So, having said all that, I think it is very important you get the right kind of help with this.  Whether or not you are a Lesbian is not for anyone else to say but you.  If you feel you can have that identity then that is fine.  Questioning your sexuality later in life is nothing unusual.  It happens.

Regarding your marriage, it is very important to remember that everyone's situation is different.  How you continue your relationship is the business of you and your husband to work out.  It often takes time and patience and contacting marriage guidance may help.  My wife and I went to RELATE but I didn't find it helpful.  I suspect it all depends on the experience and knowledge of the counsellor, and ours wasn't that good.  May be they are better trained for such LBGTQ+ scenarios these day, I don't know.

Some people stay together and it works somehow - they may or may not agree to have partners outside the marriage.  Others, are not happy with that and have to separate and live their new lives that way.  When there are children involved it is always a bit more complicated, of course, but I am testimony to the fact that it can work out fine in the end.  It just takes a lot of thought, communication, and patience.  My wife and I divorced, our children are all grown up and are wonderfully fine.  We all get on very well.  Depends on how it is managed and the willingness of the people involved to make the changes word.  The children were always the priority in our decisions.

For further support, do ring the Switchboard on 0300 330 0630 anytime between 10am and 10pm everyday of the week.

Hope all that helps.
Best wishes
Simon.

Bambi, I just posted on the very same topic. I was wondering how you were doing now and how you are feeling?
Huge empathy for you as it's really tough and I can relate to everything you've said in your original post.