Being comfortable with sexuality

jorgeino
Newbie

Posts: 1

Being comfortable with sexuality Oct 28, 2020 6:00:38 GMT via mobile

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Post by jorgeino on Oct 28, 2020 6:00:38 GMT

Hey,
This is my first time seeking help online; however I do have a councillor that I speak to regularly about issues with my mental health but thought I could use more information as still have thoughts that really bother me.
I’m 22 years old and have always seen myself as a straight man as I knew I was attracted to woman from an early age. However in this past year I have been having thoughts about the prospect of being gay/bisexual. The thoughts usually consist of my brain identifying attractive men and then telling myself that I’m gay and then me trying to calm the thoughts because I know that I’m definitely attracted to woman. So then I try getting comfortable with the idea of being bisexual which I thought I had succeeded in but the thoughts still continue. It annoys me because I know that I can only see myself being with a woman both sexually and in a relationship as I don’t have the sexual attraction towards men and therefore I believe this makes the thoughts happen more; almost as if my brain try’s to wind me up about it.
Also after reading other people’s threads that are similar they all seem to end up with responses with that they just ended up coming out later on in life as they have always had the inkling that they were gay/bi. But I find it hard to relate and use it as advice because I don’t feel like there’s anything to “come out” about. Honestly I thought I am just straight, but with these thoughts and the information I’ve read online it seems like I might be bisexual which still doesn’t make sense to me because I don’t want to do pursue anything with a man. I’m trying not to care about what I am and feel like I’m comfortable with the idea telling myself I’m a certain identity as im getting a bit fed up about it all now and all i know is i don’t want to have to worry about this subject anymore.
Any advice would be appreciated,
Cheers,
J

simonjr
Moderator

Posts: 122

Being comfortable with sexuality Oct 29, 2020 11:05:30 GMT

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Post by simonjr on Oct 29, 2020 11:05:30 GMT

Hi Jorgeino,

So you are a convinced heterosexual but have rogue thoughts about being gay? Is that a good summary?

I think these type of thoughts aren't uncommon when people also suffer above average anxiety. Hopefully, your mental health worker will be helping you with that. Relaxation techniques will help you get and keep control of rogue thoughts.

Best wishes.
Simon.

Last Edit: Oct 30, 2020 10:46:21 GMT by simonjr

d
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Posts: 1

Being comfortable with sexuality Nov 21, 2020 0:20:10 GMT via mobile

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Post by d on Nov 21, 2020 0:20:10 GMT

Hello, I’m soon turning 40 and have always considered myself straight, but I have had a few sexual encounters with men over the years and always enjoyed it, I also have regular fantasies about men and sexual relationships with them. I’m happily married, and when I told my wife (then girlfriend) about my past.. she told me I was bisexual, she hasn’t been very supportive of this (she doesn’t even like talking about it) and I just feel like if I was to act on my impulse towards men, she would leave me for cheating.. any advice please?

simonjr
Moderator

Posts: 122

Being comfortable with sexuality Nov 21, 2020 15:27:07 GMT

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Post by simonjr on Nov 21, 2020 15:27:07 GMT

H d,

Welcome to the OutLife forums.

It's is always difficult when people find themselves in such a situation as you describe. I found myself in a straight marriage but I couldn't cope with my feelings towards men. I had come out as gay cis man before marriage but for religious reasons I tried to suppress my sexuality. It ended with a separation and divorce but I didn't want that to have happened. What I wanted was to have casual sex with men and stay married but my then wife, not only didn't want to live with that, she didn't want to live with anyone who said they had feelings for men! For me, I couldn't cheat on her for my own conscience sake and in fact I didn't have sex with a man until nearly 3 years after we separated! Looking back it was the best thing for me but it has not been without a lot of pain.

Whether or not you are bi or gay is up to you to decide and you don't even need a label, really. You are what you are - a man in a straight marriage with desires to have sex with men.

If your wife isn't willing to talk it over and come to an agreement or compromise then that is certainly a challenge. Having gone through similar myself, I understand how traumatic it can become especially if you have children. (It all happened in my 40's too.) I had to have a lot of help from my doctors and counsellors over the years and found it very helpful to just be open and honest at every stage. I would certainly recommend that you try that if you are comfortable with talking with your GP about it.

I know of guys who are gay or bi but they are very happily married and remain faithful sexually to their wives, so I know it can be done. Really, the only person that can know what is best for you, is you. Sometimes it takes a while to fully work that out, though. Having an open or closed marriage is a very personal thing and it usually is a good idea to respect your partner's agency in that regard.

If you are able to get the privacy you need, do ring and chat with a volunteer on the Switchboard anytime between 10am and 10pm 7 days a week on 0300 330 0630. You may be feeling down about it all or just want a feeling of additional support.

Best wishes,
Simon.

Last Edit: Nov 21, 2020 15:28:01 GMT by simonjr

loverboy22
Newbie

Posts: 1

Being comfortable with sexuality Nov 22, 2020 20:26:20 GMT via mobile

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Post by loverboy22 on Nov 22, 2020 20:26:20 GMT

Hi all! My name is Jordan McDonald. I’ve always been afraid to come out and say that I’m Bisexual, but I’m not sure how my parents would react to it. I feel like, I’m a girl and I feel as though I’m suffering in silence. I’m unsure what to do? 😭😭😭

simonjr
Moderator

Posts: 122

Being comfortable with sexuality Nov 23, 2020 16:11:52 GMT

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Post by simonjr on Nov 23, 2020 16:11:52 GMT

Hi Jordan. Sorry to be so long in replying but welcome to the forums.

Fear of coming out is a real thing for sure and most of us have gone through that to some degree or another. In reality, whether you come out, or not, is up to you and how you feel about it. It's a very personal thing - if you do it - how you do it - when you do it and who you come out to. Remember it is your private life and no one else's business. However, having said that, our parents are very important to us aren't they, and we usually want them to know about such a major issue in our lives. I came out to my parents when I was 16 and it didn't go to well, however, I have never regretted it. It takes some parents time to process and they may or may not react well. You know them well so again, only you can know how they may react.

Some really useful advice can be found here www.stonewall.org.uk/help-advice/coming-out-0

You say you are bisexual but then say you feel like a girl. With usual usage of terms these are two separate issues - sexual orientation and gender identity. From what you have said I would think you are interested in more than one gender but is also thinking about transitioning to female. Is that correct? That's fine, there is no contradiction there and I hope it is what you meant to convey. It may be useful for you to look at the A to Z of terms for gender and sexuality. There is no need to pigeonhole yourself if you don't want to but sometimes it is helpful.

www.outlife.org.uk/a-z-of-sexual-orientation
www.outlife.org.uk/a-z-of-gender-identity

We always urge people to give the Switchboard a ring anytime between 10am and 10pm 7 days a week on 0300 330 0630.

I wish you well and please get back to us with any specific questions.
Simon (cis-gay man)

Announcement

Being comfortable with sexuality

Post by jorgeino on Oct 28, 2020 6:00:38 GMT

Post by simonjr on Oct 29, 2020 11:05:30 GMT

Post by d on Nov 21, 2020 0:20:10 GMT

Post by simonjr on Nov 21, 2020 15:27:07 GMT

Post by loverboy22 on Nov 22, 2020 20:26:20 GMT

Post by simonjr on Nov 23, 2020 16:11:52 GMT