Bisexual or Comp het?

Hi there pickles,

Thanks for your post and welcome to the forums.

I'm sorry that you're being caused some anxiety at the moment. It can be upsetting sometimes when we're unsure of how we feel or why we're having certain thoughts. I identify as a gay man but have also occasionally had sexual thoughts and feelings about women, and it's hard to know exactly what the source of those feelings are.

I guess I'd like to start by reassuring you that, no matter what feelings you're having, you don't have to do anything you don't want to. If you only want to be with women, then that's 100% fine and there's no reason for you to not be exclusively with women. Many people who feel attraction to multiple genders find themselves only pursuing relationships with one, for an enormous variety of reasons. The most important thing is that you do whatever feels comfortable and natural for you.

As for the source of your thoughts and arousal, I'm not sure I can answer that fully for you. It's hard to imagine that the societally enforced heteronormativity that comp het refers to can create sincere attraction to a gender, but I'm also not an expert in sexual identity or the science of attraction. What I can say, is that it might be worth you exploring your thoughts and feelings around that attraction with someone, be that a friend, or a professional. Talking through our identity with another person we trust can be a great way of gaining a deeper understanding of ourselves, and it also might help ease your anxiety.

Below I'm going to link to a few LGBTQ+ organisations that I think you could find helpful. They're all reputable, and the phone lines all provide confidential help from other LGBTQ+ people.

Switchboard is a UK LGBTQ+ helpline that will talk to you about anything you want, including your sexual identity. It's all operated by LGBTQ+ volunteers which is really nice. You can call them on 0300 330 0630 from 10am - 10pm, or email chris@switchboard.lgbt. Webchat available via their website.

LGBT Foundation also runs a support line where you can talk to LGBTQ+ people about what you're going through. The helpline has been running for 35 years and everyone at the end of the phone is friendly and well trained. You can call them on 03453 30 30 30, Monday to Friday between 10am and 6pm.

If you feel up to it, try giving one of those organisations a call, or use their webchat if you prefer. They'll also be able to put you through to other organisations that can provide ongoing support.

You can always post here if you have any more questions, and please do let us know how you're getting along.

Justin
xx