Health Service for Transgender - Referral problem and mental

Hey,

I am going to start this off by saying don't do anything to yourself that is irreversible. I'm referring to the suicide part. I can heavily empathize that you are not in the best place right now. But it is important to reach out to people that you can talk to openly without the fear of being dismissed or shut down.
Saying that is a little rhetorical as you are here now, asking questions, seeking advice, which is a brave thing to do. I hope you feel proud of that.
Getting in contact or sending an email to one of the organizations above will not just show you a vast sea of many different people who are, often, in the same boat, but it will also give you the confidence you need to move forward.
I got help from the Kite Trust some years ago.
From the perspective of someone who is a trans-man, I know how difficult acquiring the appropriate healthcare can be - a cis person can get hormones from the GP without all the theatrics. All they need to do is ask, get a blood test. Of course, there is a bias when it comes to cis women in the medical industry.
There have been incidents where women were dismissed because doctors told them that they are not sick, they are just hormonal, and one woman, unfortunately, died from cancer because of this. She told him her symptoms, the pains, and he didn't care.
The medical industry is fundamentally flawed.
It is supposed to help people, but it is selective of who it wants to give that help to.
However, there are people within it that are trying to change things. These are good people who can see the issue and, on a regular basis, are fighting for healthcare equality - but it isn't easy - even to this day, we have doctors that can refuse to refer you or help you when it comes to their prejudice of you.
And when you are transitioning, you have to have all these evaluations to determine whether or not if you are "mentally stable" and "think within reality" to get the help you need.
They also want you to be stereotypically masculine or feminine. Otherwise, they won't believe you, which is ridiculous. Cis-women can be tomboys, so why can't a trans-woman? Cis-men can be flamboyant and like makeup and dresses. So why isn't a trans-man allowed to be?
Trans-people are still people, and people are complex. Our identity is a mosaic, and to put it in other lighter terms, everything that we are consists of many different things that form the bigger picture; in regards to sexuality, race, gender, sex, or class. It isn't about one thing juxtaposed to another. It is about all of them at once.
Personally, I am stereotypically masculine, I don't care for glamour or anything that goes with it but I acknowledge that some men do like it and I'm not oblivious to that. The way I've always seen it is like this; "if it makes you happy, if it isn't affecting my life, and has nothing to do with me, then good for you."
But I'm traversing all over the place now.
I know where you are coming from in regards to the referral and the GP situation. My suggestion would be to ask for another GP, one who specializes more in the field of this, a lot of GPs have no knowledge in this area. Sometimes a GP will refuse your request and won't tell you. It happens, especially within the UK. My experience with GPs was kinda crap to begin with, but then I found one who, although had no idea what she was doing in the beginning, I had to guide her through it, I had to educate her on the effects of my treatment, tell her when to administer it. She learned a lot and was able to assist others who later changed to her surgery. It was a learning process for the both of us. She was amazing.
I struggled for a long time before I was finally able to get my first assessment at the GIC, and luckily, it worked out alright - I started my HRT treatment. But the journey, to put my foot through that door, was a nightmare. The waiting lists are long, and the distance you have to travel is unbelievable.
I hated my body too for a long time and used to do everything in my power to hurt it. I neglected my health and was obese at twelve, I was 250 pounds, and by the time I was thirteen, I was planning my death. I tried at fourteen by overdose and swallowing a bunch of pills. I think that was my "click moment" when I realized something needed to change. When I woke up covered in vomit, my family was downstairs with the people who came in the ambulance. I stumbled blindly to the bathroom and sat in the bathtub looking at myself in the mirror. At that moment, I had an epiphany. "If I don't do this and come out, I will die." But the thought of being seen by people, being exposed to hate crime, at the time terrified me. I didn't want to lose my privilege of walking down the street without being called a slur, or being denied a job, getting shat on by people who I thought were family/friends. I didn't want those things associated with coming out. But I took a massive gamble and told my best friend.
I then went on to lose an extreme amount of weight. Small changes make the biggest difference in your lifestyle. In the past, I have always struggled with weight. I was either too extreme on one side of the spectrum or the other. What I did first was building up my stamina. I slowly implemented healthier choices in my diet. If you make radical changes to your diet overnight, you will get bored and relapse. I avoided weighing myself all the time and did it monthly, it kept me accountable, and if I did gain weight, I retraced my steps and thought about why it happened so I could make a change to get a different result the next time I weighed in.
Since then, I am in my early twenties, and I love life. I like the person I've fought so hard for to be. He was worth every bump in the road. I'm a better son, brother, and friend because I am happier. People who know you before you come out will struggle to understand at first, but after a while, from what I experienced is that gradually they will see you as you and nothing else. Some people in my life have forgotten I am a trans-man. They don't remember my old name or anything. They are so used to seeing me now that it is natural for them to perceive me as me.
And sometimes people need longer.
Someone in my life recently came out, and they told me that what inspired them was a YouTuber called Abigail Thorn.

The video she made gave me goosebumps.
I hope you will find comfort in this, and maybe it might give you the tools you need to decide what you do next.
Best wishes for the future.
Antony