Just figured out I was gay after a lifetime of repression
May 11, 2021 21:30:37 GMT
Post by shoom on May 11, 2021 21:30:37 GMT
Hey guys. This is my first post here, I'm a 23 yo male.
I had previously been diagnosed with dissociative personality disorder. After lots of therapy, about a week ago I realized the illusion I had trapped myself in, and broke out of it. Turns out I'm gay. I had been repressing it to the point of insanity.
I don't know how to put into words what it feels like to suddenly break the entirety of my straight identity in a moment, but I am sure there are those here who understand.
All throughout childhood my father was homophobic, and when I would do something as small as give him a kiss he would shove me away and tell me that boys don't kiss their fathers like that. When he showed me how to shower he couldn't stop talking about how he always thought it was gross to see his dad naked. He told me I was being crude when I ran around naked as a child. He would say "And it's another adventure of crying boy" when I'd cry, and start laughing. I would feel as though I was never supposed to be soft, fragile, warm, Ect. "Be a man".
My dad isn't a bad person, he obviously has some trauma of his own. Love him like hell. And this isn't about that. It's about the fact that I interpreted my trying to love my father as being perverted and sexual. Only to find out that I was gay, which reinforced that notion.
The problem that I'm dealing with now, is this crazy twilight zone I feel I'm in. If I try to get with guys, all I feel is disgust about who I am. I feel as though I'm desecrating any sort of bond I had with the man. It feels like a terrible, wrong thing to do. Yeah I can do it, but I have to fight myself the entire way through.
I have this constant voice in my head telling me that everything that I'm doing is disgusting and wrong, when I know in my heart it couldn't be further from the truth.
I can't go back. I can't just say I'm straight anymore. I'm not. I have no interest in women. And I finally found that feeling I've been searching for all my life.
There are so many implications of this. Who I am, how I will be perceived, if I will have kids, what I want with my future..
I feel crushing waves of pain and joy coupled into one from this experience. But since I've figured this out I've been crippled, basically. I've stopped working, and I'm just sitting, and sleeping. It's all I can do.
I'm hoping having a conversation or two with some of you could help lighten the load. I'm just looking to relate to someone, so that I don't feel like a gross weird alien anymore.
Did any of you have problems adjusting once you found out? Did you have issues letting yourself enjoy sex, and yourself?
I had previously been diagnosed with dissociative personality disorder. After lots of therapy, about a week ago I realized the illusion I had trapped myself in, and broke out of it. Turns out I'm gay. I had been repressing it to the point of insanity.
I don't know how to put into words what it feels like to suddenly break the entirety of my straight identity in a moment, but I am sure there are those here who understand.
All throughout childhood my father was homophobic, and when I would do something as small as give him a kiss he would shove me away and tell me that boys don't kiss their fathers like that. When he showed me how to shower he couldn't stop talking about how he always thought it was gross to see his dad naked. He told me I was being crude when I ran around naked as a child. He would say "And it's another adventure of crying boy" when I'd cry, and start laughing. I would feel as though I was never supposed to be soft, fragile, warm, Ect. "Be a man".
My dad isn't a bad person, he obviously has some trauma of his own. Love him like hell. And this isn't about that. It's about the fact that I interpreted my trying to love my father as being perverted and sexual. Only to find out that I was gay, which reinforced that notion.
The problem that I'm dealing with now, is this crazy twilight zone I feel I'm in. If I try to get with guys, all I feel is disgust about who I am. I feel as though I'm desecrating any sort of bond I had with the man. It feels like a terrible, wrong thing to do. Yeah I can do it, but I have to fight myself the entire way through.
I have this constant voice in my head telling me that everything that I'm doing is disgusting and wrong, when I know in my heart it couldn't be further from the truth.
I can't go back. I can't just say I'm straight anymore. I'm not. I have no interest in women. And I finally found that feeling I've been searching for all my life.
There are so many implications of this. Who I am, how I will be perceived, if I will have kids, what I want with my future..
I feel crushing waves of pain and joy coupled into one from this experience. But since I've figured this out I've been crippled, basically. I've stopped working, and I'm just sitting, and sleeping. It's all I can do.
I'm hoping having a conversation or two with some of you could help lighten the load. I'm just looking to relate to someone, so that I don't feel like a gross weird alien anymore.
Did any of you have problems adjusting once you found out? Did you have issues letting yourself enjoy sex, and yourself?
