Feeling confused about where I fit in
May 17, 2021 16:16:10 GMT
Post by ambertiger302 on May 17, 2021 16:16:10 GMT
Hi everyone, this is my first time reaching out like this and my first post on this site.
I have finally come out to my family at age 26, and I have an amazing girlfriend. I realised around the age of 15 or 16 that I was interested in girls, however at the time and going forward through to meeting my girlfriend I had identified as bisexual or pansexual. I have never had a relationship with a girl before, however my crushes on girls were always more intense and for a long time I had been desperate to explore that side of myself but had never found it easy to figure out how to talk or connect with girls (turns out I was just overthinking this!). I told my family that I like girls as well as guys.
Looking back on relationships that I had with guys, I had never really felt completely safe and satisfied in these. I was always sure that I would do something wrong and spoil it because I wasn't what they truly wanted, and thinking honestly, I was never present when it came to being sexual with a guy. I would have to concentrate hard on not experiencing what was actually going on, and think about other things to really enjoy myself during sex. In my current relationship, I feel fulfilled in a way I have never experienced, safe and supported, and I am fully present in everything we do.
What I suppose this has got me wondering is, does this mean that previously I had just been denying myself and that truly I have been a lesbian deep down and repressed this? I know that these labels and identities can change over time, so maybe now in this moment in time I am different from how I was in the past. But that realisation that I never truly enjoyed sex has kind of been playing on my mind a lot. Is it normal to get so worried about this? And is it ok for me to identify as a lesbian when previously I have been with guys? I feel like I am going to be judged if I were ever to say it out loud to anyone, like it wouldn't make sense or be acceptable to them if I said this was how I was feeling now.
I don't feel any pressure from anyone to have a label, but I suppose I just want to feel like I have an identity to feel like I fit in somewhere, and it would really be helpful to know if what I am feeling is something that others might understand or have experienced. I know that normal isn't really a thing, but I have been struggling a lot recently and have started feeling like I don't understand how to be a person any more or something. Possibly relating to the state of the world but still. I hope someone out there might have some (helpful) thoughts that they might want to share with me
I have finally come out to my family at age 26, and I have an amazing girlfriend. I realised around the age of 15 or 16 that I was interested in girls, however at the time and going forward through to meeting my girlfriend I had identified as bisexual or pansexual. I have never had a relationship with a girl before, however my crushes on girls were always more intense and for a long time I had been desperate to explore that side of myself but had never found it easy to figure out how to talk or connect with girls (turns out I was just overthinking this!). I told my family that I like girls as well as guys.
Looking back on relationships that I had with guys, I had never really felt completely safe and satisfied in these. I was always sure that I would do something wrong and spoil it because I wasn't what they truly wanted, and thinking honestly, I was never present when it came to being sexual with a guy. I would have to concentrate hard on not experiencing what was actually going on, and think about other things to really enjoy myself during sex. In my current relationship, I feel fulfilled in a way I have never experienced, safe and supported, and I am fully present in everything we do.
What I suppose this has got me wondering is, does this mean that previously I had just been denying myself and that truly I have been a lesbian deep down and repressed this? I know that these labels and identities can change over time, so maybe now in this moment in time I am different from how I was in the past. But that realisation that I never truly enjoyed sex has kind of been playing on my mind a lot. Is it normal to get so worried about this? And is it ok for me to identify as a lesbian when previously I have been with guys? I feel like I am going to be judged if I were ever to say it out loud to anyone, like it wouldn't make sense or be acceptable to them if I said this was how I was feeling now.
I don't feel any pressure from anyone to have a label, but I suppose I just want to feel like I have an identity to feel like I fit in somewhere, and it would really be helpful to know if what I am feeling is something that others might understand or have experienced. I know that normal isn't really a thing, but I have been struggling a lot recently and have started feeling like I don't understand how to be a person any more or something. Possibly relating to the state of the world but still. I hope someone out there might have some (helpful) thoughts that they might want to share with me
