Late life bisexuality

Hi there yp,

Thanks for your post and welcome to our forums.

You're definitely not alone in finding your attraction for someone of the same sex later in life: lots of people discover this part of themselves once they've already married or had children, and while you're obviously feeling rather confused and conflicted at the moment, it's great to hear you also celebrating this self-discovery .

I wish I had all the answers for you for about what decision is right for you, but sexuality, desire, duty, romance: these are all very complicated parts of our lives, and it's not for me to tell you which parts are more important to you than others. You clearly have great affection for your husband, your kids, and your same sex partner, so what I'd like to do is try and reflect some of the things you've said back at you for you to consider, along with some information I can provide which might be helpful.

You've described your situation as a lesbian period, but also said that it makes you inexplicably happy, and you're wondering whether you can be complete without it. What I can say here is that there are lots of bisexual people who are happy in opposite sex relationships, and same sex ones, and also that you may or may not be bisexual. Might it be worth talking with a professional to try and delve deeper into how you feel about sex with men and sex with women? It's impossible for me to tell from what you've written here, but speaking with a trained therapist might be a great way for you to gain a greater understanding of your sexual desires, and what kind of fulfillment they provide for you. It could also prove really helpful when thinking about our relationships, particularly the one you share with your husband.

What I can also say is that sexuality doesn't have an off button! It's not really possible for us to actively increase or decrease our desire for certain genders (though this does wax and wane naturally for some people). So rather than thinking of this all as a lesbian period, maybe it's more useful to reframe the question as one about your identity, and what your emotional wants and needs are now you've come to explore yourself further.

Just talking with friends, or with another LGBTQ+ person can be really helpful. Below I'm going to link to some organisations that could be good to call if you're looking for some support, or just someone to listen to you.

Switchboard - LGBTQ+ helpline for over forty years and staffed by LGBTQ+ volunteers. You can contact them by phone 0300 330 0630, email: chris@switchboard.lgbt, or webchat: switchboard.lgbt/

LGBT Foundation - One of the country's largest LGBTQ+ charities that has a dedicated helpline and tons of resources. Call on 0345 3 30 30 30.

ELOP - The largest provider of therapy to LGBTQ+ people in the UK, with online therapists who could help you talk through your current circumstances. www.elop.org/

I do hope you find some of the above helpful and that you reach a place where you're happier and feeling less confused. We're here whenever you need us, and whatever you decide is best for you.

Love and solidarity,
Justin