Questioning and struggling with it.

Hi there.

I’m sorry that you are feeling lost in figuring out who you are and how you identify.

If you are in danger of suicide, please call 999 and tell them what your intentions are. If you are close to an A&E go in and tell the first nurse or doctor you see.

You can also call Samaritans on 116 123 or Switchboard to talk to someone who is LGBTQ+. Call Switchboard on 0300 330 0630.

MindOut, London Friend, Switchboard, and LGBT Foundation have mental health support as well.

If you think therapy may be a good option for you, PinkTherapy has a directory of therapists who work with LGBTQ+ clients specifically.

Right away, I want to point you to AVEN (the Asexuality Visibility & Education Network). They have so much great info on asexuality and they also have forums where you can seek support. AVEN has been such a great resource for me as I’ve struggled to figure out my identity.

I want to acknowledge your bravery in coming onto this forum and seeking support—it’s not easy to post about your struggles, even anonymously! I’m sorry that your marriage broke down and that you’ve been struggling so much with your identity and mental health.

I’m a 20 year old cisgender woman, so I can’t relate to being a cisgender man, but I identify along the asexual spectrum and I can definitely relate to some of the struggles you’re going through with your identity. I want to say that “normal” is completely subjective, so you’re not “abnormal” for not having sexual feelings as a man of your age. Also, not having sexual attraction is more common than you think—it may not seem like a lot but about 1% of the population is thought to be asexual. There are lots and lots of people out there who identify as asexual.

Personally, I never had “crushes” growing up, and when my friends would be fawning over (male) celebrities I never understood or felt the same way. How could you be attracted to someone twice your age who you’d never even met? Yet, because I wasn’t like them, I felt “wrong,” just like you do. When I was 13, I learned what being asexual was, and I told my friend that I thought I was asexual, and she told me I was too young to know—even though she was also 13. So, I understand your initial fear at telling your friends about your possible asexuality.

Later on in life, I discovered part of the reason I didn’t understand crushes was because I liked girls, not guys, but I still had this feeling in the back of my mind about being asexual and not experiencing the same sexual feelings my friends were. And I also kept that part of my identity to myself—I was open abut liking girls and led an LGBTQ+ group in high school, but talked to very few people about being on the asexual spectrum. I was afraid of the same judgment I received when I was 13.

I also learned about the difference between sexual and romantic orientation. Many folks who identify along the asexual and/or aromantic spectrum separate out their sexual and romantic orientation. So, you could identify as asexual and homoromantic, for example, meaning that you don’t experience sexual attraction to anyone but you experience romantic attraction to those of the same gender. I won’t tell you how to identify, of course, but maybe thinking about your sexual and romantic attraction as separate could be helpful.

I had relationships where I’ve been intimate with people, and like you, I also felt nothing and I felt guilty. I felt like I was broken somehow. And that’s absolutely not the case—I’m not broken, and you aren’t either. It’s taken me a long time to unlearn the hatred I directed at myself for being somewhere along the asexual spectrum (still not entirely sure where I fit along that spectrum though). I still have moments where I feel wrong and broken and all of those horrible things, but I’ve learned to acknowledge those thoughts for what they are—untrue—and then let them pass. Easier said than done, though.

I hear how hard it was for you to let your ex wife go, and it sounds like you made an extremely difficult decision. I’d say again to refer to the resources I linked at the beginning of my reply for mental health support.

It does sound like you may be asexual, but I can’t tell you how you identify. Again, AVEN has an asexuality FAQs page. Maybe that will be of use?

I’m glad you told some people about your struggles and that they were supportive. It can be so difficult to open up about these topics.

I hear that you’re afraid of never finding love again, and I can’t take away that fear, but I do believe that you can find love again. And there’s no “should know your sexuality or attraction” by your age. It’s completely fine and common to question your sexuality at any age. Sexuality is fluid, and a spectrum, and sometimes stupidly complicated.

I understand the need to label yourself and I continue to struggle with that feeling. I totally hear that you want to find the right support. I’d once again point you to AVEN, PinkTherapy, Switchboard, MindOut, and the other sites I linked up top. You can utilize these resources to talk to someone about your confusion, loneliness, and fear.

I hear that part of you wishes you had stayed with your ex wife, and I think that’s a completely justified feeling, and I also hear that you know it wouldn’t have been fair.

I do think you will be happy again, and that you will find yourself. But again, if you do feel like you’re in danger of suicide, please call 999, or go to an A&E, call Samaritans on 116 123, or Switchboard on 0300 330 0630,

I do also understand the feeling of not being able to apply help to yourself that you would apply to others—we are often our own harshest critics, and it can be extremely difficult to help ourselves. But you’re not alone. You can get help and support from other people.

I hope you’re able to find peace with yourself no matter how you end up identifying. I hope that you’re able to find support as you go through this journey.

No need to apologize for the rant or the long thread—it’s important to get it all out there.

Please feel free to keep us updated on how you’re doing.

Elle

It sounds like you are still struggling quite a bit, so I’d like to reiterate that if you feel you are in danger of suicide, to please call 999 and tell them what your intentions are. If you are close to an A&E go in and tell the first nurse or doctor you see.


Alternatively, you can call Samaritans on 116 123 or Switchboard at 0300 330 0630 to talk to someone who is LGBTQ+.


I hear your fears, and your desires to settle down with someone special, and that you feel like ‘you can’t make someone else feel that way.’ All I can say is that there is someone out there for you, and you don’t have to kiss or cuddle someone to be in a special relationship with them.


There’s something called queerplatonic relationships, if you’re interested: aromantic.wikia.org/wiki/Queerplatonic_Relationship and aromanticism.org/en/news-feed/my-qpr


I’d also like to share some stories of asexual folks who’ve struggled like you and have been able to find peace and self-acceptance: metro.co.uk/2019/02/23/im-asexual-but-didnt-know-how-to-tell-people-until-i-was-37-8649450/

metro.co.uk/2021/03/14/asexuality-taught-me-to-love-the-sentimental-side-of-romance-14096546/?ico=more_text_links


Here’s some Canadian asexual folks telling their stories:


Here’s a YouTube channel called ‘Ace Dad Advice:’ www.youtube.com/channel/UCKc5AJWSxC5h4uIea_NbHDg


And here’s some ace representation in the media: metro.co.uk/2019/02/15/emmerdales-liv-is-asexual-and-her-story-will-help-people-like-me-understand-ourselves-8579726/?ico=more_text_links


And even more ace videos and other resources can be found here: www.asexuality.org/?q=links.html


I truly hope that you can see yourself as a loveable person and that you find self-acceptance. I wish you the best on your journey.

And please, please, reach out for help if you need it. Samaritans and Switchboard are there to help you if you don’t want to call 999 or go to an A&E.

Elle