Questioning.

Hi kl. Thanks for your post and I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling with finding a label that fits.


As a fellow woman who also recently turned 20 and still sometimes questions her sexuality, hi! I feel you.


It’s understandable that you didn’t tell anyone about your relationship with a girl given that you were told that being LGBTQ+ is “just a phase.” I think this is a phrase that, unfortunately, young LGBTQ+ people hear a lot.


I also think that you feeling wrong or like it was a one-off thing totally makes sense, even if it’s not true that it’s wrong or a one-off. Also a common feeling amongst LGBTQ+ young people when they have their first queer relationship.


I experienced something similar, but not exactly the same as you did growing up. I never understood “crushes” especially “celebrity crushes” (how could you have a crush on someone who you don’t know and is twice your age?) and crushes on guys. Part of this is due to the fact that I like girls and not guys, and part of it is because I identify along the asexual and aromantic spectrum, meaning I don’t get ‘crushes’ very easily or very often.


I see that you mentioned you truly loved this guy but didn’t feel complete and still fantasized about girls. That sounds a bit to me like you may have some differences in your romantic and sexual orientations, but of course I can’t tell you how you identify. To explain that a bit more, some people like to differentiate between romantic and sexual attraction (I know I do!). LGBT HERO has a factsheet about it here: www.lgbthero.org.uk/what-are-romantic-orientations. It may be helpful to you as you search for a label (or labels!) that fit.


I’m glad that you’re ready to figure out your sexuality and accept it, but when it comes to labels, as it sounds like you’re experiencing, it can be quite a struggle. And sexuality labels can be confusing--especially because it sometimes seems like a new label pops up every day.


I could tell you the whole ‘you don’t need labels’ thing. Which, while technically true, can ring hollow for some folks. Some people just want labels because they can bring a sense of comfort. I know I still struggle with labels and I’ve somewhat accepted that I’m probably never going to be able to pin down my sexuality entirely, I at least know where I stand; that is, along the asexual spectrum. But that’s just me.


I’m not an expert in bi, pan, and poly sexualities but I did find this article: medium.com/@sashaperigo/bisexual-and-pansexual-and-polysexual-oh-my-cb553a0a237e that goes into some of the differences. I think, generally, bisexual is (sexual) attraction to more than one gender, but having preferences for one gender or another. Pansexual is sexual attraction to all genders, with no specific preferences. The article I linked above says that polysexual is usually used as an umbrella term rather than a specific sexuality. LGBT HERO also has a list of various sexual orientations here: www.lgbthero.org.uk/glossary-of-sexual-orientations though I’m not sure if you’ll need it.


I can’t tell you how your family and friends would react to you coming out as LGBTQ+, but don’t feel any pressure to come out. Do it on your own time and terms. There’s no rush at all.

And I can’t tell you what to do either, but I think you’ve already found out one place to turn to: these forums. Just reaching out for advice like this takes courage. Some other places you may find support are Switchboard switchboard.lgbt/ which has an LGBT+ helpline, LGBT Foundation lgbt.foundation/ which also has a support line, and London Friend londonfriend.org.uk/.


I totally understand wanting to find a term that you’re 100% comfortable with--and remember that could be multiple terms!

When I was going through my own struggles with finding a label, I, too, lost myself in all the possible labels. But I also didn’t know all of the possibilities that were out there--I felt broken for not having crushes until I discovered that the asexual and aromantic spectrums existed. And even then, it was a struggle to figure out my identity. I’ve tried on all sorts of labels throughout the years, from pan to bi to lesbian to bi again and back to lesbian. And don’t get me started on the asexual/aromantic part--I know I fall on that spectrum somewhere, but where the where is I don’t know. And that’s totally fine!


Sexuality is fluid and is subject to change. That may sound disheartening, but I find it kind of freeing. That being said, plenty of people are super solid in their sexuality.


How I got through the struggle of finding labels is not going to be the same as how you get through, but I will say that having patience with yourself is huge. And if you feel like you’re going in circles with research, then give it a rest. Put it on the backburner and return to it later. Your brain will keep working in the background, and who knows, maybe something will click.


And as for knowing what term defines you, I’d reiterate that sexuality is fluid but that for me at least, I just had this feeling of belonging and rightness for lack of a better word when I found out that I could exist along the asexual and aromantic spectrum. This sounds cliche, but when you know, you know. Sorry I can’t be more specific than that.


Knowing that you’re attracted to both men and women is a great start and sounds like you’ve at least got something figured out about your sexuality. And you don’t sound prejudiced or disrespectful or anything--I also didn’t meet anyone who identified outside of the male-female binary for a long time. And if you were to find yourself attracted to folks who identify as nonbinary as well, for example, but still had a preference for one gender over another, then you’d still probably be bisexual. But if you find that you are attracted to men, women, nonbinary people, etc., without any preference for one gender, then you may be pansexual. I’d go back to that Medium article that I linked. But I can’t prescribe you a label.


I get the feeling of being stressed trying to find one term. Again, maybe you find that using multiple terms to differentiate between your romantic and sexual orientations is better. Or maybe not.


I will say, though, as a word of advice--no matter what you eventually identify as, some people will be accepting, but won’t understand it at first, and you can choose whether or not you want to educate them. This is especially true of folks who identify as something other than gay or straight. Educating people can be exhausting, and it doesn’t have to be your burden to bear. You can always point people to Google!


And like you said, it does take time, but I totally get the desire to want to just know. Unfortunately, it does take time and often trying out a bunch of different labels to find one that feels right. This is all part of the self-discovery journey.


But I would say that if you really want to come out but don’t have a label yet, you can still come out as part of the LGBTQ+ community. You can just say “hey, I’m LGBTQ+ but I don’t quite have a label yet.” Of course, only do this if it’s something you’re comfortable with.

I wish you the best on this journey to find out how you identify and I hope some of this was helpful. Apologies for the length!


Please feel free to keep us updated!

Elle