in love with a straight woman
Aug 13, 2021 12:00:53 GMT
Post by hazel88 on Aug 13, 2021 12:00:53 GMT
3 months ago, I became friends with my housemate and very quickly we started to play fight and playing physical pranks on each other, light hearted and silly, we have a similar sense of humour, we were laughing a lot and being very physical when we saw each other and she always was poking me or slapping me when i would be telling jokes. i was having fun and thought nothing of it until we went to the beach and i was scared of the water and she held my hands walking me in slowly and our eyes locked and i thought "oh no, im in trouble i like her". it felt a little weird after that but nothing was talked about and we went home. in the night i prayed to god to give me a sign that im not being weird and that it's not a straight crush.
In the morning i hear someone come up the stairs, and i hear a loud knock and it's her, she says how lazy i am and then looks shy and sighs..she sits on the end of my bed and we smile and i say come and lie here, so she does. she puts her hands to her face and says, i don't know what is going on but i know i like you and it feels very strange and weird. I jump up and i say me too! this is good that you said this because i was wondering what to do..then i kiss her and i like it and she looks frozen..i say oh maybe that was a bad kiss? do you not like me she then kisses me and then it gets passionate and i feel we are aroused and the next few days we are doing this very often and then she says she needs to talk to me..i tell her but feeling nervous it is ok. we all have fears tell me your fears, she says she is adventist-(type of christian religion) and that she feels very guilty that we are nearly having sex and it is wrong because she wants to wait to get married as the adventist way goes. I feel sad but i say ok i will wait. she tells me i am stupid and i should not wait for her and then we talk for a long time and she tells me she had a very bad year and she is not sure she is over a guy and that she is not ready for anything i ask her do you want me to leave she says no and we talk from 8pm to 2 in the morning we end up kissing again and grinding with clothes on and we are half naked.
The next day, she is upset with what happened and has shame and guilt and she tells me she has been adventist for 3 years and is waiting for marriage to have sex and then i start thinking wow, what a commitment, and start thinking about my lifestyle but also think 3 years without sex maybe she was simply horny on me. you do not have to be bisexual or lesbian to get horny if the same sex makes you wet. I believe it's the emotional feelings that counts. I start to doubt our romantic connection. we discuss boundaries the next night and she gets very upset and says she is very bad with boundaries. I am quite upset realising how hard all this is for her and I tell her i am a not bad at boundaries as much and that if she feels so bad with her religion and me and suggest something that would make her feel no longer guilty. i suggest from that night for a week we will not kiss or hug she tells me later. She seems better in the days ahead.
this continues and it is very difficult and I am quite sad missing her physical touches but reminding myself it is good for her and i want her as a friend but i feel sad when i see her and then she feels guilty. Then we spoke and she told me she had something to tell me and that she does not have the feeling in her body and i tell her so when we were intimate you didnt feel anything she said oh yes i did and then she looks cofused and says and sometimes i saw you and would get a feeling, but i am sorry but i do not think i am attracted to you because i am not attracted to women. I say ok and i am determined to leave the room. we have spoken on and off about it and nothing further has continued because of i think for the most part her religion.
it has been about a month, and we talk and we are sometimes doing a activity once a week but i still crave her touch and our old communication. She is proud of herself that she does not hug me too much or poke me anymore and tells me she is better at boundaries. I will always see her strangerly and wonder what goes on with her but I know I want a stable romantic relationship and this is not it. I guess i wrote all this her today because I had a moment of weakness last night and began to cry about my circumstances. I think her leaving would probably be best even if i may miss her at the begining. I also registered for OKcupid but i really do not like dating apps...they never work. do they?
