sexuality help

HI,
I don't know you.... so I could be all wrong.
But reading what you wrote here, it seems to me like you have more problems within yourself than towards boys or girls, which make it difficult for you to bring clarity to your sexuality.

I feel like sexuality is a very personal thing, and it is not necessarily how society or media describe it to us.
Sexuality is, for nature, a way to reproduce and mix DNA. (Personally, this concept would have made me throw up as a teenager, when I thought that I had to live by this description.)

But for people and individuals, it can cover a vast variety of meaning and ways of sharing ourselves with others.

I saw a video recently that emphasized how sexuality can be considered as a urge to ''mix'' (a broader view on 'mixing dna') and get close to others.
For different religions, sexuality can be seen also in a completely different light, and be paired with certain meanings and values.

I don't know what you want from your sexuality, but as long as it is not hurting people or yourself, there is NO REASON FOR SHAME OF ANY SORT.
You are present, with your sexuality (I hope).

I will now point out what I personally see in your writings. Again, I may be wrong!

I feel like:
1) you don't trust boys
Do you have reasons not to trust them?
Could it be something about boys *your age* which are maybe too stupid/immature?
How many boys do you know?
Do you have male friends? Do you have close male family members which are a positive presence in your life?
Which behaviors/characteristic of boys would you think of as untrustworthy?

2) you fear marriage with a male, you would rather think of them as something distant and disposable(an accessory), you want to have power in the relationship.
You don't have to marry one, you don't have to marry at all, and you don't have to be deep in the feels if you don't want to.
But is it a choice or is it coming from fear? Do you have examples in your mind of unfair marriages, where the man had all the power, and maybe you think all men will demand the same unfair unbalanced power-play? (I understand this: personally, I cannot stand being in a subject position in relationships...it's either mutual respect and sharing, or I like to be slightly in control. Many people do, don't worry! It is a human wish of boys,girls,gays and straights. We are just used to the same boy-girl narrative in movies......)

3) you like penis and would date/kiss/have sex with a guy.
Ok, this only means you have the ability to be attracted to a male. Nothing more or less than that.

4) You had a crush on the same boy from age 6-12 but thought kissing him was gross.
You had to make myself like another boy (which you haven't hang out with a lot), but once you did you were like obsessed!!


To me, this means you are learning to find a place for your sexuality in relationships, and trying to figure out what is attraction, what is friendship, when can they go together, what is the sharing part of desire and what is your own fantasies, what are the boundaries...and basically, how does your own desire work?
This is ESSENTIAL work! As a young person, this is all yet to figure out and by being observant and testing the situations, you are really coming to describe and being aware of your (variety of) feelings!


5) you see yourself marrying a girl.
Nice. Why not a man? I don't mean to say one is better than the other (I am bisexual, so for me they are the same), I am just suggesting a question you could ask yourself to understand what do you associate with the idea f marrying a girl versus the idea of marrying a boy. What would make the two things different, to you?

6) Sometimes when you think about dating/kissing/having sex with a girl you feel weird. like bad, although sometimes you get 'all flustered' like when you're gonna do something you really dont want to do.

This can mean one of 3 things:
- you can be attracted to girls. ok.
- you are a young curious person and want to experience/test feelings with girls too (go ahead...just don't hurt people and you are fine).
- you think of lesbians as something dirty, which sadly is a narrative in our society..... women bodies are 'disgusting' unless they bring holiness to a man, and women are gross unless married. Just good old maschilism that would affect you like it had affected me and others around you. You don't have to live by it.

7) I'm not homophobic but some of the LGBTs in my school are really weird.
LGBT people are people: they are different. You are just seeing different people who are probably trying to build and manifest their own sub-culture in order to appear stronger and feel safer in society. You may get to know them better on a personal level, or just focus on other people, lgbt or not. (there is many lgbt people who don't 'look the part' by the way). In my book, weird is interesting a lot of the times (not always).

These are just questions for yourself, you don't need to answer to me!!
All best, and thanks for sharing.