Hi anonymousgirl20,
Firstly thank you so much for sharing your story with us and welcome to the LGBT HERO forums.
I'm sorry to hear that you've been depressed and suicidal, I'd like to begin by saying that if at any time you feel unsafe or like you may hurt yourself you can call Samaritans on 116 123 and they will be there to listen, not matter how you're feeling. If you're in an emergency you can also call 999 and ask for an ambulance.
Feeling unable to express yourself and like you've been unable to explore your sexuality is such a challenging experience, and I really hear that you're in a delicate emotional place right now. Shame of our sexual feelings is something a lot of LGBTQ+ people experience, as well as sometimes wishing that things were easier and that we were someone else, but you're absolutely not alone in this. Bisexual people do go through this kind of thing more often than other parts of the community for various reasons (we can get to that later) but I'm here to tell you categorically that things can get better and that there are tons of people and organisations out there who will gladly offer you support so you can reach a happier place.
While I'm not here to tell you what to do, I think that maybe talking around ways in which could potentially find some support and move forward could be helpful. You've been experiencing feeling of shame, a fear of rejection, and also you haven't told anyone outside your family that you're bisexual. One thing people in these kind of scenarios find useful is to begin sharing what they're going through with others. Posting here is a great start and you should really congratulate yourself for that! What I'm proposing isn't coming out of the closet, as that's a choice for you if or when you feel comfortable, but maybe opening a dialogue with a trusted person in your life, a licensed therapist, or maybe an LGBTQ+ support group or society where you can talk with someone candidly about what you're feeling.
I remember being able to talk to close friends, and then eventually other gay men, about my own experience really helped to uplift my mental health. If you've got a trusted person in your life who you think you could discuss your feelings with then great, but if not then the LGBTQ+ community has services and groups designed for people in precisely your position. Being bi isn't an easy ride a lot of the time, but you're also part of a wider queer family that cares for you and your wellbeing, and these people possess a huge amount of knowledge, experience, and acceptance, which is something you may find both reassuring, and healing.
I'm going to link to some organisations and groups below. Whether you'd rather remain fairly anonymous for now, or you'd like to start engaging in a more public way with the community, there are loads of options. Try to remember that many many bi people have had similar experiences to you, and you can tap into that
.
Switchboard - The oldest LGBTQ+ helpline in the UK and staffed by trained queer volunteers. You can remain anonymous when you call, and talk about whatever you want. It might be really useful for you to speak to someone who is also LGBTQ+ and they might be able to refer you on to a local service, or group, where you could get further support. Or if you just want to call, and say the words above to someone, that's fine. Sometimes just saying things out loud to the right person can help. You can call from 10am - 10pm any day on
0300 330 0630, or webchat here
switchboard.lgbt/, or email them at chris@switchboard.lgbt
ELOP - Elop provides online therapy for LGBTQ+ people which is accessible, and tailored to our needs. It sounds like you might be in a position to do this comfortably and safely from your home. I know that I've benefitted hugely from therapy in the past, and that others have too.
BiPhoria - This Bi group runs online sessions which could be a great way for you to connect with other people with similar experiences.
www.biphoria.org.uk/ You don't mention where you are from, but it might also be worth checking out whether there are any local meetups, groups, or one-to-one support from an LGBTQ+ charity like London Friend or LGBT Foundation in Manchester.
I really hope you find some of the above useful. Please know that no matter what happens with the girl you have feelings for, that you are loved and accepted by a huge community of people, and we're here when you need us. There's always a way forward, and if you ever need more advice or support we at LGBT HERO are always here too.
Love and solidarity,
Justin
.