What age did you know?

Hi there Jane001,

Thanks so much for your post, welcome to the forums.

I'd like to start by saying that it's wonderful that you're reaching out for advice and information. I know that for any parent it can come as a bit of shock when their child is questioning their sexuality but I'm really glad you've come to us to talk about it. I still remember coming out to my family many years ago and their levels of surprise and the emotional reactions, it was clearly a bit of a rollercoaster for them as well as for me.

It sounds like you provided you child with some great reassurance and affirmation, but of course, you have questions about how to move forward together. Before I move on to that, I'd like to tell you (as requested) a little about my own experience of being gay. I first realised that I was different quite early on. I remember having a crush on my best friend at around age 10, though I didn't really know that's what it was until bit later when I had the words to articulate it. I had always seemed to generally get on better with girls than boys and had a of being different but not quite being able to put my finger on why, but by the time I hit puberty (12-ish) I was pretty sure I was attracted to men. Then, finally, I was introduced to the word 'gay' and it all fit into place. Even though my early experience of feeling different wasn't sexual in nature, looking back I had some idea of my identity from a very young age.

My experience isn't going to be everyone else's experience. Not only do we now live in a very different time to that of my youth, but young people are introduced to identities, and the language of sexual identity much earlier, which allows some people to identify sooner than they once would, rather than living in confusion, or denial, for lack of proper information or fear of shame. There's also a huge variance from person to person in terms of when they come to self identify. I know hundreds of LGBTQ+ people and have heard a huge range of answers as to when they "knew", from people who were absolutely sure they were gay as a pre-teen to those who found themselves in their twenties, to people who only came to explore their identity further in their 40s, 50s, and beyond.

A common question people ask is "how did you know before you hit puberty?" as that's when young people begin to develop a libido and sexual desire. How could you know that you were gay before that point? In answer, I'd say that there's more to the experience of being gay than simply being sexually attracted to men. Take for example my crush on my best friend, I just wanted to spend looaaaaads of time with him and hold hands, but that wasn't what most boys my age wanted to do. It was a definite signal that things were different. I was also always bubbly, effusive, and fairly effeminate as a kid and the way I expressed myself always seemed a bit at odds with my male peers. There's a rather deep rabbit hole we could go down here talking about how we express our gender and how that links to sexuality which I won't do for now, suffice to say that more and more I began to feel like I stood apart from other boys my age. Once again, this is just my experience: not all gay men are effeminate, and being effeminate doesn't equal being gay, but the sensation of difference, of standing apart, is a really common thing that LGBTQ+ kids go through, often from quite a young age.

Which leads me on to how you can talk to your child in an age appropriate manner. You don't mention how old they are, but a good guide for how to talk to them might simply be however you would talk about attraction, sexuality, and other issues relate to puberty and growing up with a straight child. Your child coming out doesn't mean you have to have "the chat" about sex immediately, but what it does mean is that they're probably going to need affirmation, support, and understanding in a space where they can talk about their feelings free of judgement. I'm not an expert in how to talk to LGBTQ+ kids (I'll be linking to experts below!) but there are lots of ways of talking about relationships in a way that is what some would deem age appropriate: letting kids know that two men or women can be in love, for instance, or that some families have two daddies or two mummies. They're simple, normalising conversations that foster the idea that some people can love the same gender.

I hope that some of the above helps. Below I'm going to link to some more detailed resources from specialist organisations that will be able to offer more specific, and informed advice than I can. You are in good company as there are millions and millions of parents to LGBTQ+ kids out there, and they have a lot of wisdom and experience to share.

Friends and families of Lesbians and Gays - This charity is dedicated to supporting the friends and families of people who are LGBTQ+ and they have some great resources for parents you can find here. There are also some great links to parents groups here. 

There's also this great page from LGBTQ+ youth charity The Proud Trust on how to support a young person who has come out to you. They also run an online instant messaging service you can access here.

If you'd like to talk to an LGBTQ+ person over the phone, then you can contact Switchboard, the country's longest running LGBTQ+ charity where someone will be more than happy to chat to you about your child and how you can move forward. You can call them on 0300 330 0630, 10am - 10pm, or webchat here, or email chris@switchboard.lgbt.

I hope that some of the above is helpful to you. I'd just like to sign off by saying that parents have an enormous opportunity to support their lesbian or gay children and that it makes the world of difference to their wellbeing to have parents who accept them for who they are. Thank you for reaching out to us, and please do keep us updated and let us know how you're getting on. If you've ever got any more questions, then please come back. We're here to help.

Best,
Justin