Suppressed Gender Dysphoria Haunting Me

Hey, I've been struggling with gender identity for a while. I'm in a position were I often feel hopeless and it's easy to find ways to dissociate and then later on I feel burnt out, exhausted, helpless, and lost. I told my parents about this when I was four years old, my mom guilted me and said it was evil, and my dad screamed to the top of his ribs at me, and every time I talked back, he kept shouting more and more. I felt threatened and unsafe, I honestly felt like my survival was in danger at the time, despite being so young. So I went along with it and kept silent, for years I blocked out interactions with woman and tried to focus on mimicking men. Sometimes I would have a strong urge to be a girl though, but there was so much guilt and self hate associated with it so I tried to convince myself that it wasn't real. I looked up to girls, not boys, I saw myself in girls, not boys. Even though this was happening I told myself that this is just the way everyone sees the world, and if they can deal with it, so could I. When I was around six years old I started to not like my balls and I would squeeze them super hard, something felt wrong about them. I would tell my parents constantly but they would just tell me I was fine. I didn't know why I felt that way, but something tells me that they did and they just wanted to dumb me down. I was homeschooled for a while, blocked off from normal socializing, so I just spent time in the house being fairly happy because I had a lot of hobbies. I got sent to a church school when I was 12, and it was really awkward and I felt out of place. The dudes there would talk to me like I wasn't worth shit, and I felt like I wasn't allowed to talk with any of the girls even though I wanted to. I just sat back and watched other people and got excited for what they were doing. When I was lucky enough to get a friend, I would follow them around and basically live through them. When I was socializing it was often in a very obnoxious way, either begging for attention or trying to get a laugh out of people. I knew something was very different about me and I knew no one there would approve of it, so I turned myself into the laughing stock because it was my only alternative. And being able to laugh and see other people laugh, even if they were laughing at me, made things seem less depressing. But my self respect was being torn down in the meantime and it kept building up over the years. I started public school when I was 16, and I did the same thing to cope. Constantly acting stupid to get some type of attention out of people. I couldn't properly focus or communicate with the teachers like the other students were since this was getting in the way. As time went on I ignored it more and more and convinced myself I would eventually work through it. I started smoking weed and it intensified the feelings but rather than realizing it was the suppressed gender dysphoria that was bothering me, I convinced myself that I just had low self esteem and that's the way I am. Not realizing were this extremely low self esteem was coming from. I tried assimilating more with the guys, and it somewhat worked, but I always felt like the odd one out and open for criticism. When people talked down to me I just took it because I felt lower than them. I remember having moments when people got extremely loud and said things, and I wouldn't say anything because in high pressure situations I knew that I would express like a female and I figured that if that was the case, I'm better off not talking at all because that would mean I'm worthless and not worthy of respect. My dad and the transphobic people around me convinced me that if you're transgender, you are a sub human and evil and should rot in hell. So yeah, instead of expressing myself I let more time go on, constantly acting out of the ordinary to cope with what was happening. Built an identity around being the clown everywhere I went, wether it was at school or at my job. Being the clown felt better than being the trans, so I chose the better of two evils, or at least what I thought was an evil. But the dysphoria was really depressing at times, I would look in the mirror and see a lack of me in my appearance. I would feel guilty for complementing people I found attractive, whether it was a boy or girl. Even when I wasn't attracted to someone I felt guilty for complementing them on their looks. For some reason it still feels that way, like I can only complement someone if we are really close and I need to be in a funny mood to do it. It's hard to do it seriously. Complementing people has felt forbidden, voicing my opinion has felt forbidden, dressing how I want has felt forbidden, simply walking has felt forbidden, looking people in the eyes has felt forbidden. I had a hard time walking properly because I was dissociating from my body, the way I naturally flow feels too feminine and I felt I couldn't show that to people. Just everything about me socially has felt forbidden. I'm 19 years old now and I'm hyper aware of what's happening, I can't numb it out anymore after knowing how much better everything should be. I don't want to dumb myself down just to get by around other people. I want the respect everyone else gets and I want the acknowledgment everyone else gets. The trauma with my parents gets projected everywhere, I can't build close relationships because it always feels like the man is going to do something extremely violent to me and that the woman is going to be disappointed and cut me off and then possibly tell people. Even if I rationally think it through it still feels that way in the background, the mommy and daddy issues are not resolved. A lot of this stuff doesn't even consciously happen, it's more like background noise that I can't shut off. The trauma hasn't been released yet, and when it does, I just still kind of feel like I don't deserve to be that happy, or like life will be too easy and it shouldn't be that way. When you've been living a certain way since day one it's hard to imagine an alternative as good as it might seem. Who knows, maybe I'll decide to identify as non-binary, I'm afraid to let out the trauma because intense. I've tried a few times but I just broke down and heated up and felt like I was dying. It's a really bad nightmare and I need to live every day knowing that eventually I'm going to have to deal with this. The only option in the meantime is numbing it out but I'm honestly sick and tired of that. I just wanted to feel like myself, but I'm stuck in the house with my abusive father, and I need to put on a fake act everyday even though deep down inside I don't want him around. I don't want him to suffer, but I also don't want to have him in my life since he's inflicted so much pain unto me. I just stay silent and live day to day feeling like I'm under water and not fully functional. I try having hope but it's so hard, time keeps going and I'm still in the same place. Need help or recommendations.