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Post by songbird on Nov 10, 2021 14:07:15 GMT
Hello.
I’m not sure where to begin. Basically, I’ve found my soulmate. I cannot imagine being with anyone other than them, and I know they feel the same. I’m a bisexual cis woman. When I met them, they were a guy but soon expressed that they consider themselves somewhat genderfluid, however they don’t care at all about pronouns. They dress most of the time in a masculine way, albeit stylish and effeminate in some ways. They don’t express their gender fluidity to everyone. It’s mostly a personal thing expressed privately and sexually. I’ve happily gotten involved with that side of them. Being bi, it’s like I have the best of both worlds. I genuinely love their feminine side. We have a very fulfilling relationship.
We’ve been together three years and actually got engaged a couple months ago.
The problem is this. Anytime they lean into the feminine side more than usual, I get anxious. I get scared that they want to be a woman all the time and I’m unsure of how I feel about it. I don’t want to inhibit their journey. I want them to freely explore their identity and find what makes them happiest and most comfortable. I do a lot to show my appreciation and admiration of their feminine qualities. So I don’t understand why I get anxious from time to time. It happened when they first talked about trying feminising hormones. Now it’s happening again because they’ve been expressing it more and more and have been trying to show me how much fun it can be to just be lesbians together. While I do enjoy it and have fantasised about homosexual relationships, I get so anxious! I’m worried that I’m a hetero romantic bisexual and scared about what that might mean for us. They know I’m anxious and tried reassure me that nothing would change between us, and they’d still be the more masculine between us, and it’d still be the best of both worlds. So why do I feel like this and what can I do? Anytime I even vaguely consider our relationship ending, I feel an instant rush of suicidal ideation. Please help me
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Post by Piltover on Nov 10, 2021 17:08:05 GMT
Hi there Songbird, Thanks for your post and welcome to the forums. Firstly I'd like to say that if at any point you're feeling suicidal, that you can call the Samaritans on 116 123, they're there to listen non-judgementally and in total confidence. If you're in an emergency and don't feel like you can keep yourself safe you can also call 999 and ask for an ambulance. I hear that you're feeling anxious in your current relationship, but you and your partner both love each other very dearly. It's amazing to hear that you're supportive of your partner's journey in exploring their gender identity, but also important that you are acknowledging your own desires. You mention that you think you may be hetero romantic which, if your partner transitioned, may have an impact on your relationship. It sounds like a complex situation for you both, but please remember that you're not alone as people like us are here to listen, and that even the most complicated of relationships can resolve somehow with an outcome that in the long term works for both of you. I've never been in your situation (I'm a cis gay man and have never been in a relationship with someone who is gender nonconforming) but it sounds to me like you're feeling pretty trapped right now between your anxieties and clear love for your partner and I can relate to that. I can't give you the magic piece of advice that will suddenly change your situation, but a solid idea in any relationship is to communicate how we are feeling with our partner. Without an open dialogue it's impossible to know how they're feeling, or for them to understand how you're feeling, and makes moving forward in a way in which you both feel comfortable more difficult. When someone within an existing relationship transitions there are lots of different ways in which couples choose to adapt. For some people the relationship continues, for others the love goes on but some sexual or emotional components may change, for others it might be that it's best for both parties to separate. What's important is that the emotional wellbeing and happiness of both you and your partner are given priority. Taking the time to have open discussions, if you feel you can, and both make an informed decision based on how you feel, and what you want for the future, is a solid route to feeling like you have options, and possibly alleviating the anxieties you've been experiencing. As of yet it doesn't sound like your partner has even stated solid intent that they are going to get hormone treatment, though it does sound like something they want to explore. It's really important to acknowledge your own feelings and give yourself a break. There's nothing wrong with you for having anxieties about how a relationship may change, and you certainly shouldn't feel bad for your own sexual / romantic preferences. If you're homoromantic then that's part of who you are. The same is true of your partner and their journey exploring their own gender. Below I'm going to link to some resources that you might find helpful: ELOP is the UK's biggest provider of LGBTQ+ affirming therapy. It's easy to access, and could help you (and possibly your partner) sort through some of your feelings. A trained counsellor or therapist will know the right questions to ask, and could help you with your anxiety, as well as your suicidal ideation. Switchboard is the UK's longest running LGBTQ+ helpline and it's staffed by trained, queer volunteers who are there to listen. I'm sure they'll gladly talk with you and might be able to refer you to somewhere local where you can find support. After a brief search I found this site dedicated to the partners, friends, and family members of those who have transitioned. It contains a load of resources and personal stories. Maybe reading some of this might help? Whatever happens, please know that we're always here. Both you, and your partner's feelings are valid, and whatever you decide to do, it's possible for things to work out. If you have any more questions please don't hesitate to ask, then please come back. Also feel free to post again to let us know how you're doing. Love and solidarity, Justin |
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Post by brummie16 on Nov 10, 2021 18:01:51 GMT
Could I also ask if you are out of the closet with your sexuality and could your anxiety be that you will feel exposed maybe. As a gay woman I met a Bi woman and we sort of met up a few times and she panicked when I held her hand in public even though we were many miles away from her home as she was not out and neither was I.
This can be a scary time for so many of us as it’s knowing how we are going to be accepted and as your fiancé has that masculine side and that’s accepted by your circle of friends and family do you actually fear and feel too exposed and keeping as a hetro looking couple to onlookers feels safe for you and the idea of anything else which you don’t sound ready for makes you feel too exposed too vulnerable maybe ?
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Post by songbird on Nov 11, 2021 15:58:16 GMT
Justin, thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond. Your words are reassuring and validating and I really appreciate it. I hadn’t been able to express these feelings elsewhere and be heard so it means a lot.
I will be sure to check out that website and look into the resources you mentioned. I’m also going to try communicate more with my partner my feelings and keep the discussion an open one.
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Post by songbird on Nov 11, 2021 16:03:54 GMT
brummie16Thank you for your response. It’s intuitive of you to wonder if that’s the issue. While there are many factors involved, that is likely one of them. I’m out to some friends but not my family, as I come from a Muslim upbringing although I don’t practice much myself. I like to believe that once we are married and Im out of my house, I’ll be ready to be more expressive in my identity and opinions. However that probably will take time and I guess there must be a part of me that is concerned about how our relationship will be perceived to others. I tend to push emotional conflicts with my family out of my mind so it makes me forget that it causes worry even when I’m not aware of it.
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Post by brummie16 on Nov 11, 2021 20:22:52 GMT
I think we have to take control and take the risk sometimes as there will never be a good time and we end up doing ourselves more harm.
I waited all my life t come out and I had a 10 and 14 year old to think about and we lived in a little village? but I want to teach honesty and openness I had to lead my example and there’s always going to be some body/people who do not approve.
Myself and my gf helped a young African girl whose family kicked her out of the family home, she was sat on the front porch of a neighbouring house in her pyjamas and it was a very cold night. My partner was out at the car and I had a feeling something was wrong, we had abuse directed at us for getting involved as they rejected their daughter in her very early 20’s as she was pregnant.
We helped her and I threatened the mother with the police if she didn’t give the young girl her phone, as she needed to contact her boyfriend. We eventually got it and took this young woman to a place of safety and while doing so she tells us “In her culture when your African children are owned by the family until they are 26 and as she became pregnant they have now washed their hands with her” .
She still had the baby and left the home and started her own life and we have to do what is right by ourselves but I know how hard this can be within the Muslim community, but please don’t waste your life putting things off, if you have found your happiness your love then nothing but that matters and it’s nobodies business, be happy as life is simply too short x
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