22 and very confused

Hi there pineapple,

Thanks for your post and welcome to the forums. Reaching out to others is such a great thing to do for yourself and I'm so glad you've decided to share your story with us.

I hear that you're currently feeling confused about your sexuality, and that you don't feel like you have a name for your sexual identity yet. I think it's important to let you know that this is a really common experience for LGBTQ+ people, whether they be in their teens, twenties or beyond. There is no set time limit for discovering more about your sexuality, and it's something a lot of us take quite a while to understand to a point where we're satisfied, and I say "satisfied" because there's always something new to learn!

So you've mentioned that you're attracted to both women and men, but you've started watching gay porn, and have found vaginal sex a turn off recently. I can't tell you what this means with regard to your sexuality, as only you can really answer that question, but what I can say is that it sounds like it merits further discussion, exploration, and time. While labels like "gay" and "bi" are helpful as they help us cluster around identities that and sexual partners, they're really just abstract boxes we sort people into to make things easier. Sexuality is complicated, and we could probably sort all of those labels into even smaller sub-boxes if we were getting very particular. I identify as a gay man, but I very occasionally find some women attractive for instance.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that being able to call yourself a gay/bi man could be very empowering but it also isn't necessary to validate and acknowledge your own feelings, or keep exploring yourself.

As I mentioned above, it takes people time to sort through their desires and how they feel comfortable identifying. It sounds like you're putting pressure on yourself to find an answer, but try to give yourself a break and know that with time and self-care you'll come to know yourself better.

But how to get there? Well that's going to look different for every individual, but there are some great ways to help you sift through your thoughts and feelings. Talking to other people for instance, whether they're friends, or members of the queer community, could be one avenue. You could also look at talking to an LGBTQ+ affirming counsellor or therapist if you think that kind of more formal space might be right for you. As well as that, you can just continue to explore your sexuality and see what you enjoy, whether you continue to like gay porn and whether your sexual feelings for other men develop.

You don't mention explicitly whether you've ever been intimate with another man emotionally or sexually, but if that's where your desires are leading you, it might be an idea to explore that in whatever way you feel comfortable.

I hope you've found some of the above helpful. Please try to go easy on yourself and remember that you don't have to have all the answers right away.

If you'd like to speak to someone on the phone and talk about your situation, I'd recommend calling Switchboard, the LGBTQ+ helpline. They're there to talk about whatever you like, and it might help to have the ear of someone who is queer (all their trained volunteers are LGBTQ+). You can call them on 0300 330 0630 10am - 10pm. If you'd rather use webchat then you can access that on their website: switchboard.lgbt/ or you can email chris@switchboard.lgbt .

There