Post by chp842 on Nov 16, 2021 22:39:45 GMT
Hello,
I'm not new to sexuality but I'm new to this forum.
I'll lay things out very clear and simple ...
I've been in a monogamous hetero relationship for 8.5 years. I'm reaching my thirties.
There's a high chance (as suspected by a psychologist) that I am autistic.
I identified as bisexual before this relationship but only ever to friends.
Before this relationship I used to 'fall in love' with people, both men and women. To the point where they'd be all I thought about. There'd have to be something special about them, i.e. intellectual men, women that'd I'd spend time with I e. Best friends. Something would click and that'd be it, in a matter of a few seconds they became my latest fantasy.
I used to dress like a tomboy until I wanted to change my dresswear to attract a teacher in college ... Stupid I know.
I then began dressing more feminine from then on.
The first few years into the relationship I dropped out of uni, mental health declined... All because I would fixate on people and not my husband. It took me a long time to realise that this was most likely lust sprinkled with a little OCD/ Autism traits (potentially, again I need a diagnosis first).
I then went on hapoy pills (SSRS), learned to deal with my fiaxtions by letting them past and dove into life. Paying rent, getting married and a house.
I've had a traumatic year with my marriage and losing my mum (ultimate beat friend). This triggered a change in my behaviour. I no longer wanted to dress feminine, more like a tomboy. I wanted to do thing that made me happy. So I did and still do.
Enter mentally unstable person again. I have an unfathomabley black and white outlook (as told to me by a therapist, I've seen four throughout my life).
However my fixation became a little more healthier.. I dove into Manga, Anime and would fixate on a particular series,until I found another thing to fixate on, a new series or genre.
I turned to Yaoi manga, obsessed to high heaven about that, then I turned to Yuri manga, then I turned to Female dominating manga, including BDSM and then I went back to Yuri manga, I read a variety now (this all confused me Ngl). They all turned me on, all of those genres.
My latest fixation is that I am 100% a lesbian that is in denial. I started really disliking sex between myself and my husband. I cried after, I felt ashamed, I felt violated and dominated. I notice I look at the females first when I'm watching TV, I've tried watching porn but tbh I just don't vibe with it... So that's not a good judge of character on sexuality... I do get sexually attracted to women I read in the mangas...
I have become fixated with some pretty horribly looking people in the past, literally not my type in anyway shape or form, it made me feel sick but I couldn't stop.
I become nervous, always have if I see someone who looks like a lesbian, even a tomboy, thinking they must be a lesbian. I sort of end up avoiding them. Irrational I know.
Here's the clincher though... My husband and I have BDSM type sexual relationship now - we discovered this together this year. I dominate him and despite what goes on in my head, when we have sex... I AM SO TURNED ON. There are time when I wish he had a vagina, Ngl... But outright... I actually like dick and balls as long as I'm in control.
*gross but coming up, warning* Dominating him cause a sever amount of sexual fluid to come out of my (I am female btw).
I've never slept with a woman. I've made out with a lot of women (during drinking nights out). I've made out with lots of men. I've slept with three men and drunkenly had another girl fool around with me in a toilet. I didn't really enjoy the first two men sex wise but my husband made me feel amazing the first two: three years when he went down on me, we both prefered mutual masturbation back in the day...
I tried saying these sentences today:
- I am straight (didn't feel right because honeychild I am not straight)
- I am a lesbian (didn't feel entirely wrong but sort of feel felt a little weird saying it)
- I am gay (felt kind right actually)
- I am bisexual (I took me three times to say this, I couldnt get the word out of my mouth, not really sure why).
I have an over whelming feeling right now that I am a lesbian but honestly it feel likes it's really tied to my fixations and obsessive tendencies... This overwhelming feeling always comes with my fiaxations that have a negative effect on me.
Btw my husband has always been clued up on my head's inner works....
Thoughts?
I'm not new to sexuality but I'm new to this forum.
I'll lay things out very clear and simple ...
I've been in a monogamous hetero relationship for 8.5 years. I'm reaching my thirties.
There's a high chance (as suspected by a psychologist) that I am autistic.
I identified as bisexual before this relationship but only ever to friends.
Before this relationship I used to 'fall in love' with people, both men and women. To the point where they'd be all I thought about. There'd have to be something special about them, i.e. intellectual men, women that'd I'd spend time with I e. Best friends. Something would click and that'd be it, in a matter of a few seconds they became my latest fantasy.
I used to dress like a tomboy until I wanted to change my dresswear to attract a teacher in college ... Stupid I know.
I then began dressing more feminine from then on.
The first few years into the relationship I dropped out of uni, mental health declined... All because I would fixate on people and not my husband. It took me a long time to realise that this was most likely lust sprinkled with a little OCD/ Autism traits (potentially, again I need a diagnosis first).
I then went on hapoy pills (SSRS), learned to deal with my fiaxtions by letting them past and dove into life. Paying rent, getting married and a house.
I've had a traumatic year with my marriage and losing my mum (ultimate beat friend). This triggered a change in my behaviour. I no longer wanted to dress feminine, more like a tomboy. I wanted to do thing that made me happy. So I did and still do.
Enter mentally unstable person again. I have an unfathomabley black and white outlook (as told to me by a therapist, I've seen four throughout my life).
However my fixation became a little more healthier.. I dove into Manga, Anime and would fixate on a particular series,until I found another thing to fixate on, a new series or genre.
I turned to Yaoi manga, obsessed to high heaven about that, then I turned to Yuri manga, then I turned to Female dominating manga, including BDSM and then I went back to Yuri manga, I read a variety now (this all confused me Ngl). They all turned me on, all of those genres.
My latest fixation is that I am 100% a lesbian that is in denial. I started really disliking sex between myself and my husband. I cried after, I felt ashamed, I felt violated and dominated. I notice I look at the females first when I'm watching TV, I've tried watching porn but tbh I just don't vibe with it... So that's not a good judge of character on sexuality... I do get sexually attracted to women I read in the mangas...
I have become fixated with some pretty horribly looking people in the past, literally not my type in anyway shape or form, it made me feel sick but I couldn't stop.
I become nervous, always have if I see someone who looks like a lesbian, even a tomboy, thinking they must be a lesbian. I sort of end up avoiding them. Irrational I know.
Here's the clincher though... My husband and I have BDSM type sexual relationship now - we discovered this together this year. I dominate him and despite what goes on in my head, when we have sex... I AM SO TURNED ON. There are time when I wish he had a vagina, Ngl... But outright... I actually like dick and balls as long as I'm in control.
*gross but coming up, warning* Dominating him cause a sever amount of sexual fluid to come out of my (I am female btw).
I've never slept with a woman. I've made out with a lot of women (during drinking nights out). I've made out with lots of men. I've slept with three men and drunkenly had another girl fool around with me in a toilet. I didn't really enjoy the first two men sex wise but my husband made me feel amazing the first two: three years when he went down on me, we both prefered mutual masturbation back in the day...
I tried saying these sentences today:
- I am straight (didn't feel right because honeychild I am not straight)
- I am a lesbian (didn't feel entirely wrong but sort of feel felt a little weird saying it)
- I am gay (felt kind right actually)
- I am bisexual (I took me three times to say this, I couldnt get the word out of my mouth, not really sure why).
I have an over whelming feeling right now that I am a lesbian but honestly it feel likes it's really tied to my fixations and obsessive tendencies... This overwhelming feeling always comes with my fiaxations that have a negative effect on me.
Btw my husband has always been clued up on my head's inner works....
Thoughts?