Letting it all out

Hi, a bit about myself I suppose , please read all the way through . I don’t know what I need or what to expect in any replies you guys make . I’ve led a very complex life of never being one thing or another and I wonder if I’m lying to myself and everyone I have loved , it makes me feel quite bad and I wonder what type of a person I really am . As a young person at secondary school I never fancied any of the girls , but I put that down to me and my best friend experimenting with each other a fair bit . I got into lots of trouble when I was 13 to 15 and I look back and think it’s because of me not getting to grips with who I am . I was really bad/naughty . Criminally and socially. I did spend quite a bit of time in young offenders at different times . I didn’t really get any girlfriends on my own accord , friends set me up a few times with girls but I only had sex with two girls until I was 16 and met a girl who looked quite boyish and me and her went out with each other on and off for years until we were mid twenties and married . I loved her and she definitely loved me , she knew that I liked anal sex and even would use a strap on now and again when I needed it. We had 3 kids and she had to leave us ( im already sharing my most private feelings , please don’t ask about why , it’s heartbreaking and she could not do anything to stay ) . I spent 7 years raising the kids , some opportunity and a few offers of love interests from females but I declined them . I did though become frustrated that I just needed sex . Anal. I logged onto a site and eventually (took months to pluck up the courage) got up the courage to accept an invite /meet with a guy a few towns over . It was crude . In , bent over and out again . It serves the purpose but I felt really guilty that I’d let the kids down (I feel they won’t look at me the same again) . A year past and I met an old friend (female) . She made me laugh and I believe I fell in love with her after a short time . I honestly felt besotted with her . We had 3 great years together and the sex was good , even bum play for me . We were both quite happy and I never thought of straying or cheating . Just really happy , I did get the usual dreams of gay sex occasionally but never felt I needed to do it again . This ended last Easter in a big disagreement we had (not sex related ) and a few weeks back I joined the same site again .
Have been talking to another male on there . We haven’t met , we do have each other’s phone numbers and we have video chatted . I think he’s quite handsome and I really do find the thought of sex with him really exciting.
We had set up a plan to meet to walk and chat nothing else , well maybe a snog (he’s said some really interesting things to me and It’s new to me , like kissing and some other stuff ) I had some other issues arise and didn’t even try and alter anything , I used the issues to back out of the meeting .
Thing is I’m scared now . Im 50 ish and got kids , had a wife , had a gf and just don’t know who I am anymore. I know I’m desperate to go and meet this guy but I want to meet him where there’s a bed so I think it’s just desperation
I don’t want to lead him on
I don’t want my kids to look at me different
I don’t want the ex gf to think I didn’t or could t have loved her (I know who cares ? But I really do )
It’s just a mess