falling out of love w my best friend
Jan 22, 2022 13:47:23 GMT
Post by annie on Jan 22, 2022 13:47:23 GMT
hi hi I am a very new at being gay (loll) and I am not the forum type of gal but I just kind of want some encouragement because this is something I don't really want to tell anyone I know in person. sorry it's long I am not good at being succinct 
So I recently discovered i was lesbian when I realized oh shoot darn it, I am so in love with my best friend. and I know this is kind of the classic lesbian thing (ha) but oh boy. Oh boy it hurt. It still does. She's got a boyfriend and they're preparing to get engaged soon and when I realized it was going to be soon i kind of REALLY freaked out (to myself, not her). but fast forward abt a month, I think I'm over her. but i still feel like trash because I feel like i betrayed her by falling in love with her, and then I feel guilty for not telling her because this is the one thing that she does not know about me. She had to sit through me discovering I'd never had a crush on a boy before, me declaring SO emphatically that I was asexual and aromantic and hated relationships and marriage and wished people would STOP shoving it my face (all while she had a bf), and then me saying wait, I'd throw that all out the window for a girl. There's no way I could EVER add "oh yeah, I meant you every time I said 'a girl.'" that's not fair. And now that I'm over her, I feel less and less the need to confess it to her. (to be fair, i personally think it's kind of obvious, but clearly it isn't.)
but when will it stop hurting? I'm over her because I know what being in love felt like, and it was the worst feeling in the world. But every time i see or hear her bf's name, I still freeze up and my heart starts beating super fast and I have to slow my breathing down. And it sucks because I want her to be able to talk about him and share her relationship with me, but I am not ready for that yet and I feel so mad at myself because my brain knows it's fine that they're together. And I no longer cry in the kitchen listening to sad songs and mourning the little cottage in countryside that I'll never share with her, so that's a HUGE improvement. But I'm scared they're going to get engaged before I'm ready. I want to cry because I'm happy for her. And I've always known that I'm going to be her maid of honor, but it's not a hypothetical anymore, and that's what kind of triggered the final storm: I panicked about how I was supposed to give a speech after watching the woman i love get married to someone else. I almost confessed to her that I was in love with her just so that she could pick another maid of honor and I wouldn't have to go through that torture.
in short, never been in love before, really not a fan of it so far, want to be reassured that it gets better. And that it can get better WITHOUT me having to distance myself from my best friend. I don't ever want to not be there if she needs me.
PS. another thing I'm scared about is that I believe the only solution is for me to get a relationship. I was so happy being single that I wanted to be single for life, until I realized the reason I was happy being single was because I had the best friend in the world who was so close to me it felt like we were dating. But honestly, if no one in the world was in a relationship, I wouldn't want one. I'm just so tired of making plans with friends that mean nothing as soon as they find their SO, of always being second place, and it hit ESPECIALLY hard this time around. I want a relationship so I have the guarantee of a friend who won't eventually leave me for some greasy boy (no offense to boys). it hurts every time a friend finds someone they want to invest more energy and love into, and the only way I've known how to get over that is to make a better friend. But now i've made the best friend possible and accidentally fallen in love with her, so what now? I've given all of my love, all of me, to her, and that wasn't enough to keep her from finding someone better. it feels mean and dirty to be searching for someone to love more than her, someone I can get to know better and love better. So part of me never wants a relationship because of how selfish it is to everyone else in my life, but another part of me needs to be able to love someone with everything I have, and if she doesn't want that much love from me, I have to find someone else. right?
So I recently discovered i was lesbian when I realized oh shoot darn it, I am so in love with my best friend. and I know this is kind of the classic lesbian thing (ha) but oh boy. Oh boy it hurt. It still does. She's got a boyfriend and they're preparing to get engaged soon and when I realized it was going to be soon i kind of REALLY freaked out (to myself, not her). but fast forward abt a month, I think I'm over her. but i still feel like trash because I feel like i betrayed her by falling in love with her, and then I feel guilty for not telling her because this is the one thing that she does not know about me. She had to sit through me discovering I'd never had a crush on a boy before, me declaring SO emphatically that I was asexual and aromantic and hated relationships and marriage and wished people would STOP shoving it my face (all while she had a bf), and then me saying wait, I'd throw that all out the window for a girl. There's no way I could EVER add "oh yeah, I meant you every time I said 'a girl.'" that's not fair. And now that I'm over her, I feel less and less the need to confess it to her. (to be fair, i personally think it's kind of obvious, but clearly it isn't.)
but when will it stop hurting? I'm over her because I know what being in love felt like, and it was the worst feeling in the world. But every time i see or hear her bf's name, I still freeze up and my heart starts beating super fast and I have to slow my breathing down. And it sucks because I want her to be able to talk about him and share her relationship with me, but I am not ready for that yet and I feel so mad at myself because my brain knows it's fine that they're together. And I no longer cry in the kitchen listening to sad songs and mourning the little cottage in countryside that I'll never share with her, so that's a HUGE improvement. But I'm scared they're going to get engaged before I'm ready. I want to cry because I'm happy for her. And I've always known that I'm going to be her maid of honor, but it's not a hypothetical anymore, and that's what kind of triggered the final storm: I panicked about how I was supposed to give a speech after watching the woman i love get married to someone else. I almost confessed to her that I was in love with her just so that she could pick another maid of honor and I wouldn't have to go through that torture.
in short, never been in love before, really not a fan of it so far, want to be reassured that it gets better. And that it can get better WITHOUT me having to distance myself from my best friend. I don't ever want to not be there if she needs me.
PS. another thing I'm scared about is that I believe the only solution is for me to get a relationship. I was so happy being single that I wanted to be single for life, until I realized the reason I was happy being single was because I had the best friend in the world who was so close to me it felt like we were dating. But honestly, if no one in the world was in a relationship, I wouldn't want one. I'm just so tired of making plans with friends that mean nothing as soon as they find their SO, of always being second place, and it hit ESPECIALLY hard this time around. I want a relationship so I have the guarantee of a friend who won't eventually leave me for some greasy boy (no offense to boys). it hurts every time a friend finds someone they want to invest more energy and love into, and the only way I've known how to get over that is to make a better friend. But now i've made the best friend possible and accidentally fallen in love with her, so what now? I've given all of my love, all of me, to her, and that wasn't enough to keep her from finding someone better. it feels mean and dirty to be searching for someone to love more than her, someone I can get to know better and love better. So part of me never wants a relationship because of how selfish it is to everyone else in my life, but another part of me needs to be able to love someone with everything I have, and if she doesn't want that much love from me, I have to find someone else. right?
