End of Everything

qtina
Newbie

Posts: 1

End of Everything Apr 19, 2022 0:43:58 GMT

Quote

Post by qtina on Apr 19, 2022 0:43:58 GMT

I'm new here and don't know if this is the right place or if I'm doing the right thing.

I'm 48. Been married for 21 years and it would have been my wedding anniversary in a couple of days... but instead, we're separating. I have a 19 year old and a 5 year old. I have come to realize that I am probably somewhere on the ace spectrum. Sex is not where its at and never has been. I am romantic, loving, kind ... but nope to most everything else. My relationship has been awful for most of the time we've been together. I've struggled with feelings of guilt for not being able to "do the deed" and been guilted by my partner, too (who has gone as far to say that my lack of interest has caused them to contemplate suicide and they have never been happy). I have struggled with mental health issues and have suffered sexual violence in my past, which hasn't helped the situation...

but, I am confused and lost and alone right now. I have no one I can talk to about this stuff at all. Like... is it possible to want to be loved and to love and to hold hands and be close, but with no other expectations? Is it possible to not care who that person is or how they identify? Maybe I'm just completely broken and don't deserve any kind of love (as I am being told constantly).

The thing making this more difficult is that we are going to keep living under the same roof (for several reasons) for the next year or so. I know it's the best solution, but it's just so... awful and I guess I need some kind of reassurance that I'm not some horrible monster, or broken, or deserve all kinds of pain...

thanks for reading if you did.

stan
Newbie

Posts: 1

End of Everything Apr 22, 2022 19:59:10 GMT

Quote

Post by stan on Apr 22, 2022 19:59:10 GMT

Hi,
This is my first post on here. I hope things work out OK for you. Sounds like a really tough situation. I'd been married for over 20 years and with 2 children. I'd never felt totally comfortable with my sexuality although would never have said I was gay and had never had a same sex relationship or even any significant crushes although my relationship with my wife had drifted downhill over some years. Anyway some other stuff happened where I did not support her enough and we ended up splitting up. She could not understand why I did not try harder to save the marriage and so eventually I told her about me being unsure of my sexuality. We got divorced. She now looks back on the whole marriage as some kind of sham (which is wasn't) and, basically, hates my guts and has nothing to do with me at all. Apparently I too was a truly terrible person. I still care about her but know we could not have made it work, it would have just been 'ticking over'. So, I sympathise with your situation and hope you're OK. I'm now in the position of thinking I ought to at least explore that 'gay' (or not) side of me otherwise the whole awful situation could have been for nothing. I've been seeing a counsellor for a couple of years (worth considering in your case?) and as I look back I see that I was really quite depressed by it all until fairly recently. I'm more accepting of it now and am just beginning to try to move forward in one direction, or another, or maybe both! I still don't know. It's hard dealing with this stuff - so many conflicting emotions. I've told a few close friends and even my parents and children which all felt very odd given my age. All were fine with it though part of me wanted to be judged harshly by them. Stick with it. Good luck to you.

Sunflower
Administrator

Posts: 24

End of Everything Apr 25, 2022 8:57:56 GMT

Quote

Post by Sunflower on Apr 25, 2022 8:57:56 GMT

Hello there,

Thank you for being brave and reaching out! This is the right place and you are doing the right thing.

First things first. You DO deserve love! You are NOT broken! You are worthy of kindness and understanding and patience. You deserve people to respect your feelings.

I'm sorry to hear that you have experience sexual violence in the past. It can be very difficult to process sexual trauma and many survivors find it hard to be intimate after this trauma. Healing is not a linear process and it takes as long as it takes. Galop is a incredible charity that offers support to LGBT+ victims of sexual violence. There are different ways to contact Galop. All of them are free: Phone 0800 9995428 | Email help@galop.org.uk | The helpline is open: Monday to Friday 10am – 5pm, Wednesday and Thursday 10am – 8:00pm. There is also a webchat which is available Wednesday and Thursday 5pm – 8pm.

Absolutely no one has the right to guilt you into being physically intimate. Above all, not wanting to be intimate at all is completely valid and incredibly common. Coming to realise you are on the ace spectrum is such a huge step, so take a moment to celebrate that! There are so many terms and ways to identify, it can be overwhelming to try and figure out where you fit in. It's also completely valid to feel that more than one term feels like it fits as sexuality can be fluid. Your capacity for attraction is not set in stone, these feelings can shift over time.

Sexual, romantic or emotional attraction, are all distinct from each other. You can have one without the other. It is completely natural to want to be loved and to love and to hold hands and be close, but with no other expectations. Many people are in romantic relationships without physical intimacy and vice versa. These attractions can fluctuate, but it is okay if they don't. Some asexual people have romantic relationships without physical intimacy. Whatever you feel and however intimate you want to be, remember that romance doesn’t have to involve sex, just as sex doesn’t require romance.

If you want to read more, we have a factsheet on the LGBT HERO website: What Is Asexuality?

There is also the term demisexual, someone who feels sexually attracted to someone when they have an emotional bond with the person. Either way, it's okay to take it slow on this journey of self-discovery, we don't have to have it all figured out immediately. There's no pressure to find a label and stick to it and there should be no pressure to provide an explanation for your feelings to anyone. Whatever you feel is valid and sometimes it is okay if for now there is no clear explanation, after all, there are limitless combinations and sexuality is a spectrum. If you want to read more on demisexuality, check out this article.

If this does feel like it might align with your feelings, it might be helpful to speak to others who identify with these orientations. Connecting to people who have these lived experiences can help you gain some insight into your own feelings.

AVEN (Asexuality Visibility & Education Network) has great resources and forums if you have further questions about asexuality or aromanticism or just need some support.

There’s an awesome Glamour article by activist Yasmin Benoit talking about their experience with asexuality and aromanticism.

Asexuality New Zealand Trust has some great resources.

As you said, living under the same roof is going to be difficult, so please do reach out if you want someone to talk to.

Switchboard LGBT has a fantastic support line open from 10am to 10pm on 0300 330 0630. There is also a Web chat if this feels more accessible.

LGBT Foundation is also available to talk about whatever you need from Monday-Friday 10am to 6pm on 0345 330 3030

If you are feeling lost and alone and you feel at risk of hurting yourself, please call Samaritans on 116 123.

I hope these resources help you to feel more at peace with your feelings.

With kindness,

Sunflower

Announcement

Post by qtina on Apr 19, 2022 0:43:58 GMT

Post by stan on Apr 22, 2022 19:59:10 GMT

Post by Sunflower on Apr 25, 2022 8:57:56 GMT