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Post by sagerose on Apr 22, 2022 20:55:48 GMT
Hi! I've been struggling with my identity for a while now, I know I don't NEED labels but I find labels comforting and I would love some advice!  Basically (i think) I have romantic feelings for women: I always imagine being in a relationship with a woman, like living with a woman, holding hands, being close etc and the only person I've kissed is a woman but I can't imagine being really physically intimate with a woman. I thought I was attracted to men but the more I think about it, the thought of being in a relationship with a man or intimate with a man makes me feel kind of ill. I've also never looked at anyone in real life or otherwise and been physically attracted to them, I can recognise that they are attractive but I'm not attracted to them if that makes sense??? Its like, for me, attraction and intimacy work in theory but not in practice?? I'm not sure if that's a good way to describe it haha I'm sorry this is long, I've just been confused for a while and would love some opinions or advice?? Thank you sm!  |
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Post by Sunflower on Apr 25, 2022 8:25:36 GMT
Hello there, Thank you for reaching out. Firstly, it's okay to be unsure about how you feel. Labels can indeed help us to understand those feelings or find out a bit more about ourselves. There are so many terms and ways to identify, it can be overwhelming to try and figure out where you fit in. It's also completely valid to feel that more than one term feels like it fits as sexuality can be fluid. Your capacity for attraction is not set in stone, these feelings can shift over time. It can be quite difficult to accept that we are not attracted to men when we live in a heteronormative society. It seems as if being sexually interested in men is 'normal'. This is simply not true. It is more than okay to think that men are objectively attractive but not be attracted to them. If the idea of being intimate with a man makes you feel ill, that is how you feel. While those feelings may or may not change, they are worthy of being listened to. Exploring romantic feelings with women can be very exciting! It can be hard to imagine being physically intimate with women if you have never experienced it. Whether it is because you haven't had that encounter before or because you are simply not interested in being with a woman sexually, your feelings are valid. Sexual, romantic or emotional attraction, are all distinct from each other. You can have one without the other. As you said, you feel that attraction and intimacy work in theory, but not in practice. This is completely natural to feel this. Many people are in romantic relationships without physical intimacy and vice versa. These attractions are also prone to fluctuate, depending not just on the person you are with, but on many other factors. It might be worth looking into the term 'asexual', someone who experiences little to no sexual attraction. Some asexual people have romantic relationships without physical intimacy. Whatever you feel and however intimate you want to be, remember that romance doesn’t have to involve sex, just as sex doesn’t require romance. If you want to read more, we have a factsheet on the LGBT HERO website: What Is Asexuality?There is also the term 'demisexual', someone who only feels sexually attracted to someone when they have an emotional bond with the person. Either way, it's okay to take it slow on this journey of self-discovery, we don't have to have it all figured out immediately. There's no pressure to find a label and stick to it and there should be no pressure to provide an explanation for your feelings to anyone. Whatever you feel is valid and sometimes it is okay if for now there is no clear explanation, after all, there are limitless combinations and sexuality is a spectrum. If you want to read more on demisexuality, check out this article. If this does feel like it might align with your feelings, it might be helpful to speak to others who identify with these orientations. Connecting to people who have these lived experiences can help you gain some insight into your own feelings. AVEN (Asexuality Visibility & Education Network) has great resources and forums if you have further questions about asexuality or just need some support. There’s an awesome Glamour article by activist Yasmin Benoit talking about their experience with asexuality. Asexuality New Zealand Trust also has great resources. Switchboard LGBT is also a great resource if you are questioning your sexual orientation. You can visit their website or if you want to talk to someone, it has a fantastic support line open from 10am to 10pm on 0300 330 0630. There is also a Web chat if this feels more accessible.
LGBT Foundation is also available to talk about whatever you need from Monday-Friday 10am to 6pm on 0345 330 3030 I hope these resources help you to feel more at peace with your feelings. With kindness, Sunflower |
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