Trauma From Homophobia

Hi ari,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for your post.

I'm sorry to hear that you had such a traumatic experience at school. Children can be so cruel and to have been bullied like that must have been really tough for you. I don't know exactly how you're feeling but I also experience depression and have gone through trauma and bullying, and I know there have been time when I've found the combination it all overwhelming too, so I can relate.

I'd like to start by saying that things can, and do get better for people. It might not seem that way now, but you're already doing some really important things for yourself by reaching out for help and seeing your therapist. The latter is really important, even though sometimes it can feel like a slog and you might not notice the benefits immediately. I have started and stopped therapy for years and the rewards come slowly, but I know that I'm glad I kept going back. You should be proud of the work you're doing to keep yourself safe and mentally healthy.

As for your experiences, it sounds like your time at school has deeply affected you. As you say, the people on your course from UAE haven't said a word to you but you're assuming their negative thoughts and intentions towards you. When we've experienced trauma our minds sometimes do whatever they can to make us feel safe again, and in this case maybe that means you're misdirecting anger at people who remind you of your childhood bullies? I'm fairly sure you will have already talked about this with your therapist, but it sounds like a high priority topic to discuss with them. It sounds like you don't want to be judging others based on the colour of their skin or their country of origin, and recognising that is a really great first step. This might sound like a strange suggestion, but it could be worth reading up on the experience of LGBTQ+ Muslims, of which there are many, who might have gone through some of the same childhood experiences as you, and also seeing stories about supportive Muslim families and communities that challenge that knee-jerk reaction you're experiencing. 

As for taking care of yourself, please ensure that you're doing as much self-care as you can, we have a whole wellbeing section on our site that's dedicated to taking care of yourself. There are also lots of listening services out there where you can talk to someone on the phone. I'm going to list some of them below:

Switchboard is a confidential helpline where you can talk to a trained volunteer about your thoughts and feelings. You can visit their website or if you want to talk to someone, it has a fantastic support line open from 10am to 10pm on 0300 330 0630. There is also a Web chat if this feels more accessible.

LGBT Foundation is also available to talk about whatever you need from Monday-Friday 10am to 6pm on 0345 330 3030

I hope you manage to find a way forward where your trauma is no longer affecting you so much. We're always here if you want to talk more.

Piltover x