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Post by cikap on May 3, 2022 12:06:48 GMT
I guess I've always struggled with these feelings. 7 years ago they got the better of me and I decided to delete all social media accounts as I felt nobody liked me. I had a lot of friends back then, I just didn't see it. They were friends I had when I came out, when I moved to London and met other gay people, when I went to my first gay club, my first Pride etc. etc. In cutting all of those people out of my life I basically uprooted myself and now I feel like one of those fallen trees dying on the roadside. This isn't helped by the fact I'm 30 now- that middle ground where you struggle to see yourself in mainstream gay culture (films, media, meetup groups etc. are mostly 20 somethings), but on the other hand every time you call yourself "old" you get a bunch of 40+ year olds saying "you're not old, wait until you get to MY age!".
I've actually felt old ever since coming out at 20. Basically I left school so mentally damaged that I didn't go straight to uni, so ended up having friends who were younger than me (not dramatically, like 16-18). Also I started losing my hair at 20 which again made me feel old. I've always felt like "the old one" to be honest. But I suppose before I never let it stop me making friends, I just got on with it. I wish I could get back to that attitude, but I suppose I've had other priorities (family drama, mental health, worrying about uni/getting a job). I recently tried joining a group here in London. I haven't been to any events yet but they have a Discord so I've tried talking to people on there to build the confidence to attend an event. But nobody talks back to me so I've ended up feeling rejected and less likely to go to an event. I immediately blame the rejection on my age and hair, I can't help it (I mean it's nonsense- they don't know how old I am and they haven't seen a picture of me ><)
I feel like society as a whole (not just LGBT, straights too) is built around having everything sorted/getting everything right by the time you reach 30. The smallest slip-up (like me having a blip and cutting out my old friends) and you're so fucked. How on earth do you go about starting again?
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Post by Sunflower on May 4, 2022 10:55:30 GMT
Hello there, Thank you for being brave and reaching out! Firstly, you are not alone in these feelings. It is very common to create these false narratives in our mind that no one likes us and we are completely alone in this world. When our mental health is struggling, it is quite easy to get stuck in irrational thought patterns, telling us things about our lives when there is evidence to the contrary. As you said, you had a lot of friends back then, you just didn't see it. The truth is often distorted when we are feeling very low. I'm sorry to hear that those feelings got the better of you 7 years ago. It is actually very understandable that you deleted social media accounts and as you say, cut people out of your life. It tends to be a move we make when we want to protect ourselves. In this case perhaps being completely alone is better than feeling lonely with people around you. This must have been particularly difficult as it sounds as though these people were your support network when you came out and met more people in the queer community. I hope you can take comfort from cherished memories with those people from before that time. Experiencing trauma in our childhood can often force us to mature faster than our peers. Leaving school feeling so mentally damaged is unfortunately the something many LGBTQ+ people go through. There is very little support for anyone leaving school and transitioning into the adult world, but that is made especially hard when we leave carrying so much pain with us. Even though it is cliché, age really is just a number. We all have certain things about ourselves that make us feel insecure and we have a tendency to obsess over those things, when others hardly notice or simply don't care. What we see in the mirror is rarely how other people view us. Not letting it stop you making friends sounds like a great attitude to have and I'm sure you will be able to get back to that at some point. It is okay that you have had other things in your life that you have had to give time and energy to such as the things you have mentioned. Things going on in our personal life can often overwhelm us to such an extent that we really don't have the time, nor the energy to think about maintaining a social life. It is amazing that you are putting yourself out there and trying to meet new people. It can be incredibly daunting, both online and in person. Feeling rejected by people is really tough, it's okay if those instances stir up a lot of emotions. The likelihood is that other people on the Discord are also feeling anxious or don't know what to say. The important thing is that you try, try again. If it's something that feels manageable in the future, going to events in person might be more successful as you don't have to wait for people to respond. It also may seem, as you said, that most groups are tailored to 20 somethings, but there is so much out there. There are wonderful humans, who might also be feeling isolated or unlikeable, that are out there waiting to meet new people and rebuild a community of their own. Please don't give up hope. Society does seem to push this idea that you should have your life sorted by 30 and be settled with a family, job etc. That pressure can have a real impact on people. As LGBTQ+ people, we live outside the norms of society, so I guess why conform now? It is really hard to ignore it when it is so deeply ingrained in our culture. Try focusing on what is right in front of you, each moment, each day, each week. Whatever feels manageable, take it one step at a time. Every single day you wake up is an opportunity for a fresh start. If you do feel up to going to any in person groups or events, here are some London-based options: In London, there is the London LGBTQ+ Community Centre , 60-62 Hopton Street, Blackfriars, SE1 9JH, London . Open Wed – Sun: 11am-8pm. It is an extremely welcoming space with very friendly volunteers. They host a variety of community events, find out what's on here.London Friend have various social support groups available. If you want to talk more about these feelings with someone, there are some amazing helplines available to support you. Switchboard LGBT has a fantastic support line open from 10am to 10pm on 0300 330 0630. There is also a Web chat if this feels more accessible. LGBT Foundation is also available to talk about whatever you need from Monday-Friday 10am to 6pm on 0345 330 3030 If at any point, the feelings of isolation or low self-worth get to be too much, please call Samaritans on 116 123. I hope these resources help you to feel more at peace with your feelings. With kindness, Sunflower |
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Post by cikap on May 4, 2022 17:05:26 GMT
Thank you so much for your response.
I absolutely still have that traumatised teenager inside that pushes people away and didn't have the luxury of just being a child. I realised today that I'm not alone in this, thanks to a thread on Twitter where other LGBT+ millennials were talking about their mixed feelings towards that Heartstopper show- 50% how lovely that this exists now vs. 50% how it was triggering for our younger selves who didn't have anything of the sort back then. I don't know how you go about being there for that younger self when it's all in your head and you can't go back and "fix" anything, but maybe that's where I need to start and thanks for the signposting.
I agree that it would probably be more successful to try and make friends in person vs. online. I suppose online has become our default since the pandemic and while it's great for keeping in touch with the existing people in your life, it's less great for building new friendships.
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