Coming out for a second time

Hi Londongayguy, welcome to the forum.

I read a lot of myself in this post. came out in my early 20s, mostly a positive experience, few friends come and gone in that time, work life up and down with how "out" I was and of course the put on the spot interrogations! I think A lot go through something a kin to this with job/home changes and the coming out has to almost start over again. It does sound like you've had to deal with some toxic work place relationships, ones that really should never happen especially from HR! Family I find is always a mixed bag with these sorts of things, hopefully it came from a good place though (had a similar experience with an aunt who looking back probably knew me better than I knew myself). It's good to hear you're talking to someone as well about it as it does feel like that's always a good first step.

I'm now working in what I would call a supportive LGBTQ+ work environment including being one of the staff network leads, but now having to fight a desire to hide away after some late self reflection about my gender identity that I have been repressing which would require another coming out. whilst I don't think the coming out will necessarily be bad, the thought of doing it again just makes me feel tired. I think for me most of it comes from having to fight through my own internalized feelings towards something that makes me different, years of learning to hide those parts of yourself just to fit in growing up can be a difficult thing to undo. I got so use to wearing a mask that it becomes difficult to break those knee jerk reactions and responses in those flight/freeze moments as you say, even when after I've done them I know they're really not who I am. I think the same goes for hiding as well, too many years not talking about myself can make it difficult to start.

I do think I have got better over the last couple of years however, being a part of LGBTQ+ communities and networks has really helped and I'm slowly getting better at not having those old knee jerk reactions or at the very least actually correcting myself when I do have them. I think having groups of new people that feel safe to be your true self around helps fight those old ways of being in particular, including here. I've managed to come out a second time to a few people now, Partner, close friends, so far fine though I still panic every time I speak about it as I still get that old feeling of what if people see me differently or treat me differently. Really that is what I want though, to be seen and excepted as myself, so whilst it still exhausts me to do it I'm doing it, even if it means taking small steps (work wise starting with a couple of people I feel safe to speak with without needing to worry bout the response or that they will gossip) and not going as fast as I would like and knowing that's okay as well.

I think just because we have "come out" the 1st or 100th time doesn't necessarily mean we or society has dealt with everything that stopped us doing it when we first realized.

I feel like I came out once, though it took about a week to cover all of my family and friends. When I meet new people, I don't come out, I just let them figure it out. Sometimes, I like wearing a lesbian pendant, which helps send the message.