pink
Newbie
Posts: 4
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Post by pink on Jun 10, 2022 15:50:20 GMT
Hey all,
This is my first time sharing anything like this on this forum.
A bit of background on me first. I'm 37 (AMAB) and I'm married to a woman. I've identified as pansexual for many years and my wife is fully aware of this. I've never been very masculine and not really feminine either, but I've always much preferred the more feminine things in life. My wife has always been very supportive and when I started wanting to experiment wearing female clothing she has gone shopping with me etc. She's been amazing and truly is my best friend.
Fast-forward to today, I now dress as a woman pretty much every day, and my mannerisms etc are a lot more feminine. I don't wear lots of makeup (still not mastered that), however I love getting my nails done. My choice of clothing is fairly low-key, in that I wear jeans, t-shirt, or jumper. Anyone who looks can tell I'm dressed in female clothing but most people don't give me a second glance. I struggle to dress in men's clothing now and when I am forced to (for work meetings etc) I find it hard to even get the clothes out of the wardrobe.
It's only recently that I've REALLY started to struggle to present as a man, and that is what has lead me to question my gender identity. I'm not sure if I'd class myself as non-binary, or if I'm in fact transgender.
My wife is very supportive, and has told me she will be with me regardless of what I discover on my journey. I don't want to lose her either, and having her support has really helped me these last few years and even more so over the last few months.
I'm not sure what to expect by posting this, but hopefully someone has had a similar experience they are able to share or even better some advice.
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Post by justjosh on Jun 11, 2022 19:04:30 GMT
Hi pink, welcome to the forum.
It's amazing you felt you could share this on here so thankyou. reading this made me feel a little less alone as I was struggling to find anyone going through a similar experiences. I'm 31 (AMAB) and also struggling with gender identity more and more recently and have been taking similar steps to you, experimenting with makeup, wearing female clothes, constant at home though not as much out in public but jeans, t-shirts and hoodies I have started to. The last year or so really hate wearing male clothes now as well, including having to go to a family event the other day and had to wear mens shirt and trousers and just felt completely uncomfortable and full of anxiety, all I could think about was taking them off like walking around in a costume.
I would also say I never really felt like I fit completely into one side of the spectrum when it comes to masculinity or femininity in the traditional sense but I know I don't feel male and looking back I never did. I do struggle to know where exactly I stand though when it come to non-binary or trans as there are parts of both that I want and don't want. I still need to do a lot of soul searching I think to find that out, I have contacted a councillor since coming here however to hopefully help in this.
Also your partner sounds amazing and you are super lucky to have someone that supports you like that. Mine has also been incredible so far but still admits that its a scary thing to start and I'm constantly terrified of doing something that could make me lose him.
Could I ask for you is it just the clothing that you struggle with or are there other things as well?
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Post by Sunflower on Jun 13, 2022 10:38:52 GMT
Hello pink! Thank you for reaching out. It's incredibly brave to be so honest about how you are feeling. It's wonderful to hear that you have such a supportive partner. The journey of self-discovery can be exciting, but it can also affect our wellbeing, so it is important to have a support network and it's amazing to have people who love you unconditionally. Just like sexuality, gender identity and gender expression are fluid. The way we see ourselves and the way we present ourselves is not set in stone and it is completely natural for people to fluctuate between masculine, feminine and everything in between or outside. As you will know, clothing is a great tool for expression and we can be as playful as we like, whether it's our outfit; accessories; hair; nails or make-up, there are no limitations. There is no right or wrong way to express a gender either. In your case, getting your nails done allows you to tap into that feminine energy, but you don’t wear lots of makeup at the moment. Every person has their own unique ways of expressing themselves, it is important to remember that it doesn't look the same for everyone. And most of all, you do not owe anyone femininity in order to be more valid in your gender identity. When we start expressing ourselves in a way that is liberating and brings us joy, it can be difficult to revert back to a form of gender expression that might feel like the opposite. It is so understandable that you find it hard to even get the men's clothing out of the wardrobe. Being more adventurous with our gender expression can lead to questioning our gender identity. Sometimes when we begin to feel more comfortable expressing a gender that is not the one we were assigned at birth, we start to reflect on how we feel inside. For those who don't identify with the gender they were assigned at birth, understanding your gender identity can be quite a confusing and sometimes overwhelming process. It is worth saying that you don't have to choose a label if none feel fitting for you right now, there is no rush and it si not vital to give yourself a label unless it is helpful for you to understand yourself better. When it comes to figuring out if you are non-binary or transgender, it can be quite hard as their meanings can be sometimes be interpreted differently by those who chose to identify with the terms. It might be helpful to read this factsheet on the LGBT HERO website about the meanings of these terms: Transgender: Back to Basics Speaking as someone who identifies as non-binary, I still find myself questioning whether the term really fits with how I feel inside. Some days I feel more masculine, others more feminine, some days I don't feel I have any gender expression. No term can truly encapsulate how we feel about who we are, but they certainly help in terms of how we exist in the world and relate to one another. Whatever label you choose or don't choose, who you are is valid and you deserve to be loved for who you are. If you need someone to talk through these feelings with, don’t hesitate to reach out. Starting Wednesday 22nd June at 7pm on Zoom, LGBT HERO is running an online support group for anyone in the Trans+ community (anyone who identifies as Transgender, Non-Binary or Gender Diverse.) The session is called Bloom. If you are interested, here is the link for more info: www.lgbthero.org.uk/bloomSwitchboard LGBT+ has a fantastic support line open from 10am to 10pm on 0300 330 0630. There is also a Web chat if this feels more accessible. LGBT Foundation is also available to talk about whatever you need from Monday-Friday 10am to 6pm on 0345 330 3030 With kindness, Sunflower |
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pink
Newbie
Posts: 4
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Post by pink on Jun 13, 2022 11:58:33 GMT
Hi pink, welcome to the forum. It's amazing you felt you could share this on here so thankyou. reading this made me feel a little less alone as I was struggling to find anyone going through a similar experiences. I'm 31 (AMAB) and also struggling with gender identity more and more recently and have been taking similar steps to you, experimenting with makeup, wearing female clothes, constant at home though not as much out in public but jeans, t-shirts and hoodies I have started to. The last year or so really hate wearing male clothes now as well, including having to go to a family event the other day and had to wear mens shirt and trousers and just felt completely uncomfortable and full of anxiety, all I could think about was taking them off like walking around in a costume. I would also say I never really felt like I fit completely into one side of the spectrum when it comes to masculinity or femininity in the traditional sense but I know I don't feel male and looking back I never did. I do struggle to know where exactly I stand though when it come to non-binary or trans as there are parts of both that I want and don't want. I still need to do a lot of soul searching I think to find that out, I have contacted a councillor since coming here however to hopefully help in this. Also your partner sounds amazing and you are super lucky to have someone that supports you like that. Mine has also been incredible so far but still admits that its a scary thing to start and I'm constantly terrified of doing something that could make me lose him. Could I ask for you is it just the clothing that you struggle with or are there other things as well? Hey justjosh, Thank you for the reply, I really appreciate you taking the time out to comment on my post. It's definitely comforting to hear that others are having the same experience as me. I never thought for a second that I would be alone, but being able to connect with someone else and share the story should really help. In answer to your question, it's not just the clothes. I really struggle to present as a male for sure, and I definitely feel like it's hiding who I really am and that in itself really upsets me. Anything that masks or goes against the feeling of my femininity has an impact on my mood, such as being referred to as a guy or man. I don't want to be seen in that way or spoken about in those terms. Not many people know the true me at this point, so for now I just accept it for what it is and deal with the upset internally. Does that answer your question? |
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pink
Newbie
Posts: 4
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Post by pink on Jun 13, 2022 11:59:42 GMT
Hello pink! Thank you for reaching out. It's incredibly brave to be so honest about how you are feeling. It's wonderful to hear that you have such a supportive partner. The journey of self-discovery can be exciting, but it can also affect our wellbeing, so it is important to have a support network and it's amazing to have people who love you unconditionally. Just like sexuality, gender identity and gender expression are fluid. The way we see ourselves and the way we present ourselves is not set in stone and it is completely natural for people to fluctuate between masculine, feminine and everything in between or outside. As you will know, clothing is a great tool for expression and we can be as playful as we like, whether it's our outfit; accessories; hair; nails or make-up, there are no limitations. There is no right or wrong way to express a gender either. In your case, getting your nails done allows you to tap into that feminine energy, but you don’t wear lots of makeup at the moment. Every person has their own unique ways of expressing themselves, it is important to remember that it doesn't look the same for everyone. And most of all, you do not owe anyone femininity in order to be more valid in your gender identity. When we start expressing ourselves in a way that is liberating and brings us joy, it can be difficult to revert back to a form of gender expression that might feel like the opposite. It is so understandable that you find it hard to even get the men's clothing out of the wardrobe. Being more adventurous with our gender expression can lead to questioning our gender identity. Sometimes when we begin to feel more comfortable expressing a gender that is not the one we were assigned at birth, we start to reflect on how we feel inside. For those who don't identify with the gender they were assigned at birth, understanding your gender identity can be quite a confusing and sometimes overwhelming process. It is worth saying that you don't have to choose a label if none feel fitting for you right now, there is no rush and it si not vital to give yourself a label unless it is helpful for you to understand yourself better. When it comes to figuring out if you are non-binary or transgender, it can be quite hard as their meanings can be sometimes be interpreted differently by those who chose to identify with the terms. It might be helpful to read this factsheet on the LGBT HERO website about the meanings of these terms: Transgender: Back to Basics Speaking as someone who identifies as non-binary, I still find myself questioning whether the term really fits with how I feel inside. Some days I feel more masculine, others more feminine, some days I don't feel I have any gender expression. No term can truly encapsulate how we feel about who we are, but they certainly help in terms of how we exist in the world and relate to one another. Whatever label you choose or don't choose, who you are is valid and you deserve to be loved for who you are. If you need someone to talk through these feelings with, don’t hesitate to reach out. Starting Wednesday 22nd June at 7pm on Zoom, LGBT HERO is running an online support group for anyone in the Trans+ community (anyone who identifies as Transgender, Non-Binary or Gender Diverse.) The session is called Bloom. If you are interested, here is the link for more info: www.lgbthero.org.uk/bloomSwitchboard LGBT+ has a fantastic support line open from 10am to 10pm on 0300 330 0630. There is also a Web chat if this feels more accessible. LGBT Foundation is also available to talk about whatever you need from Monday-Friday 10am to 6pm on 0345 330 3030 With kindness, Sunflower Thank you for the reply Sunflower, and thank you for the advice. It really means a lot! I'll be sure to read the factsheet that you linked! |
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Post by justjosh on Jun 13, 2022 21:01:12 GMT
Hi pink, welcome to the forum. It's amazing you felt you could share this on here so thankyou. reading this made me feel a little less alone as I was struggling to find anyone going through a similar experiences. I'm 31 (AMAB) and also struggling with gender identity more and more recently and have been taking similar steps to you, experimenting with makeup, wearing female clothes, constant at home though not as much out in public but jeans, t-shirts and hoodies I have started to. The last year or so really hate wearing male clothes now as well, including having to go to a family event the other day and had to wear mens shirt and trousers and just felt completely uncomfortable and full of anxiety, all I could think about was taking them off like walking around in a costume. I would also say I never really felt like I fit completely into one side of the spectrum when it comes to masculinity or femininity in the traditional sense but I know I don't feel male and looking back I never did. I do struggle to know where exactly I stand though when it come to non-binary or trans as there are parts of both that I want and don't want. I still need to do a lot of soul searching I think to find that out, I have contacted a councillor since coming here however to hopefully help in this. Also your partner sounds amazing and you are super lucky to have someone that supports you like that. Mine has also been incredible so far but still admits that its a scary thing to start and I'm constantly terrified of doing something that could make me lose him. Could I ask for you is it just the clothing that you struggle with or are there other things as well? Hey justjosh, Thank you for the reply, I really appreciate you taking the time out to comment on my post. It's definitely comforting to hear that others are having the same experience as me. I never thought for a second that I would be alone, but being able to connect with someone else and share the story should really help. In answer to your question, it's not just the clothes. I really struggle to present as a male for sure, and I definitely feel like it's hiding who I really am and that in itself really upsets me. Anything that masks or goes against the feeling of my femininity has an impact on my mood, such as being referred to as a guy or man. I don't want to be seen in that way or spoken about in those terms. Not many people know the true me at this point, so for now I just accept it for what it is and deal with the upset internally. Does that answer your question? Hi Pink, No problem and thank you for responding, as you say there's comfort in knowing others are going through the same thing and I hope sharing will help, I know it did for me. It does yes, as I feel the same way. I don't know about you but the more I explore that side of myself the more I don't want to go back and I struggle to think let alone focus on anything else, it seems to even be the first thing on my mind when I wake up. feel the same as well when it comes to how people see me, I don't like masculine pronouns and never have so already started to shift to non-binary where I can including in parts or work life (They/Them in staff profile/email signatures) though I wouldn't say I'm openly out at work yet either but do try to think about it like I'm working towards something better for myself. Most don't know the true me yet either (not sure I even do) though I am thankful to have a few that know and except me and I'm trying to learn to not shy away from expressing myself in ways I'm able even if its just in small ways so far. I would say having those you are able to talk to about these things really does help especially when in comes to the internalised upset as I know this can be a heavy weight to carry by yourself and saying things out loud has even helped me understand myself better recently as well. |
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pink
Newbie
Posts: 4
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Post by pink on Jun 14, 2022 8:17:54 GMT
Hey justjosh, Thank you for the reply, I really appreciate you taking the time out to comment on my post. It's definitely comforting to hear that others are having the same experience as me. I never thought for a second that I would be alone, but being able to connect with someone else and share the story should really help. In answer to your question, it's not just the clothes. I really struggle to present as a male for sure, and I definitely feel like it's hiding who I really am and that in itself really upsets me. Anything that masks or goes against the feeling of my femininity has an impact on my mood, such as being referred to as a guy or man. I don't want to be seen in that way or spoken about in those terms. Not many people know the true me at this point, so for now I just accept it for what it is and deal with the upset internally. Does that answer your question? Hi Pink, No problem and thank you for responding, as you say there's comfort in knowing others are going through the same thing and I hope sharing will help, I know it did for me. It does yes, as I feel the same way. I don't know about you but the more I explore that side of myself the more I don't want to go back and I struggle to think let alone focus on anything else, it seems to even be the first thing on my mind when I wake up. feel the same as well when it comes to how people see me, I don't like masculine pronouns and never have so already started to shift to non-binary where I can including in parts or work life (They/Them in staff profile/email signatures) though I wouldn't say I'm openly out at work yet either but do try to think about it like I'm working towards something better for myself. Most don't know the true me yet either (not sure I even do) though I am thankful to have a few that know and except me and I'm trying to learn to not shy away from expressing myself in ways I'm able even if its just in small ways so far. I would say having those you are able to talk to about these things really does help especially when in comes to the internalised upset as I know this can be a heavy weight to carry by yourself and saying things out loud has even helped me understand myself better recently as well. I feel the same way, each step I take on my path to femininity makes it even harder to present myself as male. It's all I think about every day. Thank you for your messages, reading about your experience too has really helped me on my journey. I'm still not sure what the next step is for me (or the many after that) but I'm more confident that I will find my way. |
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