Post by anonplease on Aug 31, 2022 23:47:01 GMT
I’m twenty, and I am a gay man. I think I’ve known that I’m gay for almost my entire life. Even before I understood that homosexual people even existed I just knew that there was something different about me - something I had to hide from everyone else.
Being an extremely confused, upset and angry boy with no one I could talk to about what I was feeling, I turned to the internet for advice. After doing about a million ‘am I gay’ quizzes (and somehow still managing to try and convince myself I was not), I began searching for well-known people who had gone through what I was busy going through. Of course, I found Tyler Oakley, Troye Sivan, Connor Franta, Tom Daley and other more obscure YouTubers who had posted ‘coming out’ videos and were living their lives as openly gay men. Although there stories weren’t identical to each other, every one of them explained how they felt a massive weight lifted off their shoulders when they came out to people for the first time. I clearly remember them explaining the absolute relief they felt in that moment.
So, I convinced myself, that if I told people then I too would feel that relief and I too would come to terms with who I am and be able to live my life openly. I knew that I could never tell people while I was in school - I went to a semi-religious school, was friends with the ‘popular’ (very homophobic) group of boys, and was somewhat of a model student for the school (and in my final year was chosen as the schools headboy). So, back in 2013/2014 I decided that I would wait until the end of 2020, the end of my school career, and then I would come out to my closest friends. 2020 seemed like it was still a lifetime away, and I was certain by that time I would be more than ready for people to know about me.
The end of 2020 came surprisingly quickly and I knew that I had to keep my promise to myself and I had to tell people about who I am so that I can finally be released from the burden of constantly hiding myself. I told my three closest friends and they were all supportive and accepting. But, instead of feeling a weight being lifted off my shoulders, all I felt was shame. For the next months after that I could barely look at any of my three closest friends in the eye and did everything I could to avoid the topic of my sexuality from coming up - trying to pretend as if I never told them in the first place.
My friends did nothing wrong, they were kind and supportive and there for me. But even so, and even though I could tell they were trying not to, they treated me differently. All of a sudden I wasn’t just their friend, I was their gay friend. Whenever they think about me now, I’m sure that the first thing that pops into their minds is ‘Hes gay’. It’s been two years since I told them and I haven’t told a single soul since. Coming out to them is one of the worst decisions I have ever made.
I’m absolutely exhausted of having to deal with this - and more than anything I wish I just didn’t have to. I wish I could have just been born the same as majority of people in this world and never have to know the struggle of hiding myself. It’s starting to feel that being gay is consuming my entire life - it’s been on my mind every second of every day for almost a decade. When I’m around my friends I make sure that I’m acting completely straight - commenting on ‘hot girls’ and laughing at homophobic jokes all while thinking about how these friends would react if I ever told them I’m gay. When I’m alone, all I can think about is how trapped I am. The idea of spending the rest of my life in the closet terrifies me, it’s something I know I would not be able to cope with doing. But the thought of opening up to anyone else and having to tell them I’m gay - completely changing the way people look at me and interact with me - also terrifies me. There is no good option, no easy way out of this. I’m completely trapped between two lives, neither of which seems to be an acceptable option for me.
I don’t know what to do, and to be honest I don’t know what I’m hoping to get out of writing all this down and putting it on a site for people to read. Maybe it will be good to actually communicate with people who’ve been through similar struggles.
If anyone has a magic wand / potion they could borrow me that could automatically solve all my problems, please let me know.
Being an extremely confused, upset and angry boy with no one I could talk to about what I was feeling, I turned to the internet for advice. After doing about a million ‘am I gay’ quizzes (and somehow still managing to try and convince myself I was not), I began searching for well-known people who had gone through what I was busy going through. Of course, I found Tyler Oakley, Troye Sivan, Connor Franta, Tom Daley and other more obscure YouTubers who had posted ‘coming out’ videos and were living their lives as openly gay men. Although there stories weren’t identical to each other, every one of them explained how they felt a massive weight lifted off their shoulders when they came out to people for the first time. I clearly remember them explaining the absolute relief they felt in that moment.
So, I convinced myself, that if I told people then I too would feel that relief and I too would come to terms with who I am and be able to live my life openly. I knew that I could never tell people while I was in school - I went to a semi-religious school, was friends with the ‘popular’ (very homophobic) group of boys, and was somewhat of a model student for the school (and in my final year was chosen as the schools headboy). So, back in 2013/2014 I decided that I would wait until the end of 2020, the end of my school career, and then I would come out to my closest friends. 2020 seemed like it was still a lifetime away, and I was certain by that time I would be more than ready for people to know about me.
The end of 2020 came surprisingly quickly and I knew that I had to keep my promise to myself and I had to tell people about who I am so that I can finally be released from the burden of constantly hiding myself. I told my three closest friends and they were all supportive and accepting. But, instead of feeling a weight being lifted off my shoulders, all I felt was shame. For the next months after that I could barely look at any of my three closest friends in the eye and did everything I could to avoid the topic of my sexuality from coming up - trying to pretend as if I never told them in the first place.
My friends did nothing wrong, they were kind and supportive and there for me. But even so, and even though I could tell they were trying not to, they treated me differently. All of a sudden I wasn’t just their friend, I was their gay friend. Whenever they think about me now, I’m sure that the first thing that pops into their minds is ‘Hes gay’. It’s been two years since I told them and I haven’t told a single soul since. Coming out to them is one of the worst decisions I have ever made.
I’m absolutely exhausted of having to deal with this - and more than anything I wish I just didn’t have to. I wish I could have just been born the same as majority of people in this world and never have to know the struggle of hiding myself. It’s starting to feel that being gay is consuming my entire life - it’s been on my mind every second of every day for almost a decade. When I’m around my friends I make sure that I’m acting completely straight - commenting on ‘hot girls’ and laughing at homophobic jokes all while thinking about how these friends would react if I ever told them I’m gay. When I’m alone, all I can think about is how trapped I am. The idea of spending the rest of my life in the closet terrifies me, it’s something I know I would not be able to cope with doing. But the thought of opening up to anyone else and having to tell them I’m gay - completely changing the way people look at me and interact with me - also terrifies me. There is no good option, no easy way out of this. I’m completely trapped between two lives, neither of which seems to be an acceptable option for me.
I don’t know what to do, and to be honest I don’t know what I’m hoping to get out of writing all this down and putting it on a site for people to read. Maybe it will be good to actually communicate with people who’ve been through similar struggles.
If anyone has a magic wand / potion they could borrow me that could automatically solve all my problems, please let me know.
