Post by MattProbably on Oct 1, 2022 0:16:55 GMT
Hey,
Not really sure where to start with this one but my name is Matt, I'm a male around 20.
I'm also not sure which category would be most appropriate for this thread so I figured I would just post it here.
I'm in a pretty odd headspace right now regarding sexuality, I'm not even entirely sure there's an issue or anything that i can fix per se, but I thought maybe writing everything down would be the best way to attempt to communicate how I feel. Maybe some of you have felt a similar way to me, I'm not sure.
So about a year ago I started realising that I wasn't entirely straight. Initially it kind of started as a weird make believe or 'joke' in my head that I would be interested in other guys. For a few months it sat as nothing more than a thought. (I have pretty much never been in a relationship, honestly I've always felt more comfortable by myself. I've had a few 'relationships' before with females, but it's mostly been a one night type of deal.)
So the things sat in my head were honestly not something I felt super important to address and they kind of just got pushed to the back of my mind. After a few months and completely unrelated to these thoughts, I started considering giving relationships a shot. I wasn't bothered with particularly trying for anything (ie dating apps or equivalent) but just opening up to maybe meeting new people or something.
I remember very distinctly after telling myself I would give dating a go, the first kind of crush I got on someone was one of my male friends. As I hadn't really thought about it much I was kind of shocked that I started feeling that way. I realised at this point that I needed to be honest with myself about what I was feeling.
So fast forward to around 7 or 8 months ago and I was very sure that I'm bisexual. The first thing I had thought to myself upon the realisation was what I was actually going to do about it or say to anyone.
This leads me to my actual point;
Growing up in an time where the world was transitioning into being more LGBT+ aware and starting to educate kids in school and offer more support, I had always imagined that being anything other than straight would be this giant event. Weeks, months, maybe even years of preparation to sit down with family and friends to come out, that the whole world would change around you. Of course this is different for everyone, I completely understand that it's entirely circumstantial but you get my point.
When I realised I was bisexual this was my first thought. I am incredibly lucky, my parents are some of the most open and understanding people I know. We've been through a lot together and I'm incredibly open with them about everything I want to share, I've never felt a sense of needing to hide things.
I decided that one day when they were coming to visit me that if I felt comfortable I would talk to them about it. And that's what I did, after we had been together for the day I just decided I was going to tell them.
They took it almost how I would expect them to, they just listened and told me that they were happy with whatever I did as long as I'm happy.
I don't feel right about it. I have previously had very strong emotions around sensitive topics, when I started talking about it I felt absolutely nothing. It was like talking about doing my shopping or something, it felt like an off handed comment and we've not spoken about it since.
It's hard to articulate how I'm struggling with this, but it feels like even though I've thought about it that I still haven't accepted things or that I'm in some kind of denial. It almost feels like I need to sit down and try again. As I said earlier, I completely understand that these kinds of things will affect everybody differently, but I feel like it hasn't even affected me at all.
People will probably think that I'm lucky but it all just feels wrong to me, I don't feel like my feelings are valid even though I know how I feel.
Over the last year or so I feel like I've grown insensitive towards myself. I used to be incredibly anxious, especially with social situations. But now I don't really feel any of that. It's only a worry to me because I don't feel confident, I just don't feel really anything. I guess the best way I can describe it is as if I've lost a sense of self preservation. I don't get nervous, embarrassed, scared, or feel shame. I'll just do things with a lack of emotional motive. I'm not stupid, I wouldn't do anything to endanger myself but I'll take more risks and always think logically instead of emotionally. I know that this has affected the way I do things and make choices, I'll be very blunt in my communication and not let emotions play into my interactions.
I feel like this mindset has screwed up the way I should feel about all of this. I don't feel like I've rejected my feelings, but I don't feel like I've accepted them. I've just kind of taken it, like it's recieving information through the post, reading it and tossing it to the side. It's just information.
I'm not uncomfortable or doubting myself, I just don't know how I should feel. I feel like I should talk to people about it, but I don't have a desire to do so or really know what there is anyone could particularly sugguest.
Any comments are welcome but as I said I just wanted somewhere to write it all down. I haven't really written anything that leaves way for suggestion. Either way, I appreciate you taking the time to read through.
~ Matt
Not really sure where to start with this one but my name is Matt, I'm a male around 20.
I'm also not sure which category would be most appropriate for this thread so I figured I would just post it here.
I'm in a pretty odd headspace right now regarding sexuality, I'm not even entirely sure there's an issue or anything that i can fix per se, but I thought maybe writing everything down would be the best way to attempt to communicate how I feel. Maybe some of you have felt a similar way to me, I'm not sure.
So about a year ago I started realising that I wasn't entirely straight. Initially it kind of started as a weird make believe or 'joke' in my head that I would be interested in other guys. For a few months it sat as nothing more than a thought. (I have pretty much never been in a relationship, honestly I've always felt more comfortable by myself. I've had a few 'relationships' before with females, but it's mostly been a one night type of deal.)
So the things sat in my head were honestly not something I felt super important to address and they kind of just got pushed to the back of my mind. After a few months and completely unrelated to these thoughts, I started considering giving relationships a shot. I wasn't bothered with particularly trying for anything (ie dating apps or equivalent) but just opening up to maybe meeting new people or something.
I remember very distinctly after telling myself I would give dating a go, the first kind of crush I got on someone was one of my male friends. As I hadn't really thought about it much I was kind of shocked that I started feeling that way. I realised at this point that I needed to be honest with myself about what I was feeling.
So fast forward to around 7 or 8 months ago and I was very sure that I'm bisexual. The first thing I had thought to myself upon the realisation was what I was actually going to do about it or say to anyone.
This leads me to my actual point;
Growing up in an time where the world was transitioning into being more LGBT+ aware and starting to educate kids in school and offer more support, I had always imagined that being anything other than straight would be this giant event. Weeks, months, maybe even years of preparation to sit down with family and friends to come out, that the whole world would change around you. Of course this is different for everyone, I completely understand that it's entirely circumstantial but you get my point.
When I realised I was bisexual this was my first thought. I am incredibly lucky, my parents are some of the most open and understanding people I know. We've been through a lot together and I'm incredibly open with them about everything I want to share, I've never felt a sense of needing to hide things.
I decided that one day when they were coming to visit me that if I felt comfortable I would talk to them about it. And that's what I did, after we had been together for the day I just decided I was going to tell them.
They took it almost how I would expect them to, they just listened and told me that they were happy with whatever I did as long as I'm happy.
I don't feel right about it. I have previously had very strong emotions around sensitive topics, when I started talking about it I felt absolutely nothing. It was like talking about doing my shopping or something, it felt like an off handed comment and we've not spoken about it since.
It's hard to articulate how I'm struggling with this, but it feels like even though I've thought about it that I still haven't accepted things or that I'm in some kind of denial. It almost feels like I need to sit down and try again. As I said earlier, I completely understand that these kinds of things will affect everybody differently, but I feel like it hasn't even affected me at all.
People will probably think that I'm lucky but it all just feels wrong to me, I don't feel like my feelings are valid even though I know how I feel.
Over the last year or so I feel like I've grown insensitive towards myself. I used to be incredibly anxious, especially with social situations. But now I don't really feel any of that. It's only a worry to me because I don't feel confident, I just don't feel really anything. I guess the best way I can describe it is as if I've lost a sense of self preservation. I don't get nervous, embarrassed, scared, or feel shame. I'll just do things with a lack of emotional motive. I'm not stupid, I wouldn't do anything to endanger myself but I'll take more risks and always think logically instead of emotionally. I know that this has affected the way I do things and make choices, I'll be very blunt in my communication and not let emotions play into my interactions.
I feel like this mindset has screwed up the way I should feel about all of this. I don't feel like I've rejected my feelings, but I don't feel like I've accepted them. I've just kind of taken it, like it's recieving information through the post, reading it and tossing it to the side. It's just information.
I'm not uncomfortable or doubting myself, I just don't know how I should feel. I feel like I should talk to people about it, but I don't have a desire to do so or really know what there is anyone could particularly sugguest.
Any comments are welcome but as I said I just wanted somewhere to write it all down. I haven't really written anything that leaves way for suggestion. Either way, I appreciate you taking the time to read through.
~ Matt
