Being reiminded relationships aren't an option.
Aug 15, 2019 11:44:06 GMT
Post by notgoodenough on Aug 15, 2019 11:44:06 GMT
It may be a bit odd for me posting this in the "relationships" section as I have still never had a relationship, but this seemed the best fit.
Basically I've been out 23 years but always been single. Until almost a year ago I had never even really experienced proper mutual attraction. Well actually I still haven't but almost a year ago I thought I was experiencing it.
I have been interested in one particular guy for a few years. Our paths cross occasionally by means of a shared hobby/interest. I had assumed he was not interested/out of my league and difficult as that was I got used to it. Then last September he asked me to take part in an event he was organising. I jumped at the chance. That day he didn't really speak other than to say hello. I knew other people there and got on with the day. On my way home I told myself "he's not interested but at least he can be friendly ant involve me in stuff he is doing, I don't feel totally invisible"
Then I got home, he messaged, thanked me and after some conversation he basically seemed to come on quite strongly to me and it was established I was interested and apparently so was he. What followed was a few months of suggestive messaging and exchanging "private" photos (not something I have ever done before, needless to say he instigated this but I happily obliged). He said we would meet up but any attempt to try and talk about this he avoided. Then at the end of December he went quiet. A few "hello" messages were answered but in a different tone. Then my birthday in February he sent me a picture of him in his pants. I wasn't sure how to respond. I saw him at an event in march and he didn't speak. I decided to remove from Facebook, I felt as though all the previous chat/flirtation was simply him using my interest to bloster his own ego regardless of the effect on me.
Basically long story short he got in touch again very recently, I explained how he had hurt/confused me and left me feeling embarrassed, he said such hurt wasnt meant and said some nice things, and conversation was more friendly but occasionally gave a lot of mixed messages (kissing emojis, love hearts etc). Then an offer to help me with my struggles with exercise and trying to get fitter/lose some weight. Eventually he sent a totally unsolicited picture of him in a small pair of speedos having been for a swim. Given all the baggage of the previous pictures I didnt know what to think. When challenged it she said that was to show how he was proud of his body (having lost weight himself). It reaffirmed that everything seemed to be about him purely using my interest to make him feel good. He didnt seem to either know or care how much this has hurt me.
At the end of the day it has reminded me that I have never been good enough and to be honest given I waited 22 yeas or so for someone I liked to show an interest, for them to do that then rub my nose in it again is making me think that its not worth waiting another 22 years in the hhopes another may not be a complete and utter ***T
I now feel lower more hopeless and more physically repulsive and not good enough to be gay than ever.
how on earth am I expected to move on when there is nothign/ and never has been anything to move on to other than guys in saunas and bars making it clear I am physcially repellent and guys on apps and websites shunning me???
Basically I've been out 23 years but always been single. Until almost a year ago I had never even really experienced proper mutual attraction. Well actually I still haven't but almost a year ago I thought I was experiencing it.
I have been interested in one particular guy for a few years. Our paths cross occasionally by means of a shared hobby/interest. I had assumed he was not interested/out of my league and difficult as that was I got used to it. Then last September he asked me to take part in an event he was organising. I jumped at the chance. That day he didn't really speak other than to say hello. I knew other people there and got on with the day. On my way home I told myself "he's not interested but at least he can be friendly ant involve me in stuff he is doing, I don't feel totally invisible"
Then I got home, he messaged, thanked me and after some conversation he basically seemed to come on quite strongly to me and it was established I was interested and apparently so was he. What followed was a few months of suggestive messaging and exchanging "private" photos (not something I have ever done before, needless to say he instigated this but I happily obliged). He said we would meet up but any attempt to try and talk about this he avoided. Then at the end of December he went quiet. A few "hello" messages were answered but in a different tone. Then my birthday in February he sent me a picture of him in his pants. I wasn't sure how to respond. I saw him at an event in march and he didn't speak. I decided to remove from Facebook, I felt as though all the previous chat/flirtation was simply him using my interest to bloster his own ego regardless of the effect on me.
Basically long story short he got in touch again very recently, I explained how he had hurt/confused me and left me feeling embarrassed, he said such hurt wasnt meant and said some nice things, and conversation was more friendly but occasionally gave a lot of mixed messages (kissing emojis, love hearts etc). Then an offer to help me with my struggles with exercise and trying to get fitter/lose some weight. Eventually he sent a totally unsolicited picture of him in a small pair of speedos having been for a swim. Given all the baggage of the previous pictures I didnt know what to think. When challenged it she said that was to show how he was proud of his body (having lost weight himself). It reaffirmed that everything seemed to be about him purely using my interest to make him feel good. He didnt seem to either know or care how much this has hurt me.
At the end of the day it has reminded me that I have never been good enough and to be honest given I waited 22 yeas or so for someone I liked to show an interest, for them to do that then rub my nose in it again is making me think that its not worth waiting another 22 years in the hhopes another may not be a complete and utter ***T
I now feel lower more hopeless and more physically repulsive and not good enough to be gay than ever.
how on earth am I expected to move on when there is nothign/ and never has been anything to move on to other than guys in saunas and bars making it clear I am physcially repellent and guys on apps and websites shunning me???
