bex1
Newbie
Posts: 4
|
Post by bex1 on Apr 12, 2023 6:15:13 GMT
Hi sorry to hear you are feeling like this. I am a similar age to you, been married 11 years and realised the last 1-2 years I am also bisexual. I understand how you are feeling and that ‘wanting ‘which you describe. In my situation I realised that it was a lot to do with what I was lacking in my marriage which made me feel so detached and down, and when we sorted the marriage out I have felt a lot more connected and better about things. However, I still have the feeling of something is missing or wonder what my life could be like with a woman. I don’t know if this will ever go, and I do find it difficult. I often feel that if I was a lesbian and not bi it would be easier as i would then have no choice but to leave and follow that path. Are you able to speak to your husband about how you feel? Are you certain of how you feel about your marriage/sexuality? It took me a lot of soul searching to discover this and I still am not clear.
|
|
bex1
Newbie
Posts: 4
|
Post by bex1 on Apr 12, 2023 16:21:25 GMT
Hi again, oh I’m sorry to hear you are so sad and upset about this. It must be really difficult for you. I have been through stages like this and not knowing why which was difficult. I think it can be the grief or feeling like you have to choose and loose either one; either not having your husband or not having a potential same sex relationship. I also felt in limbo a lot like I was waiting for something to happen but didn’t know what- if that makes sense!
This happened to me because I also had an an encounter with a woman friend which changed everything- I was completely infatuated with her, I wanted to leave my husband to either be free to see her or if that didn’t work out then be with another woman. It threw my world upside down as she made me so happy and opened up this whole other part of me which I now realise I had repressed over the years. This happened because I was not happy in our marriage- my husband wasn’t treating me well without going into detail. When I told him about her, to my surprise he was devastated. He took responsibility for his side and has made changes to treat me much better since. So tbh it is him that changed and improved things not me so much. I threw myself into fixing our marriage and trying to forget about my female friend which was hard. Also, it is not that easy to forget about my new-found sexuality. I have been on a private journey of questioning; reading books doing sexuality tests! Lol sometimes thinking I’m lesbian other times thinking I’m Bi. Every time we row I think I’m leaving him then we are ok again. So very up and down with it all. This is a secret part of me I can’t share with him as he reacts very badly about it.
It’s good you can talk with your husband although it sounds like you’re fed up of that now. Have you thought about counselling to help you work out what you feel or don’t feel for your husband?
My whole journey of upset has been underpinned by not always understanding what I feel. I found it helped my mental health marginally to discover my feelings and identity even though there isn’t a direct solution.
|
|
bex1
Newbie
Posts: 4
|
Post by bex1 on Apr 13, 2023 14:05:52 GMT
It also helps me to talk to you so thank you too! I generally keep it all to myself do not speak to friends about it.
What books have you read? I read untamed although that made me miss my female friend more so! Lol I have also read married women who love women which is quite interesting and probably helped me more.
I also went through a stage where I felt better to come to the conclusion that I realise I am a married, bisexual woman and that’s ok. Reading and researching does help I think but there have definitely been times where it hasn’t been enough so I get that. Have you read about the catalyst’ concept? I found that very interesting! I will share a link if you haven’t.
|
|
bex1
Newbie
Posts: 4
|
Post by bex1 on Apr 13, 2023 15:09:34 GMT
I have thought I will post this up anyway incase it’s helpful to others. The catalyst is used to describe the other woman in the first same-sex romance of a woman. Many women who experienced this later in life (who may have spent up until this point with a male) have described how the loss of this first relationship/encounter is devastating and many women struggle to move on. The first relationship will also have ties to a womans sexual identity so that also adds extra loss and complications. The website is: Ann-Marie Zansal: Overcoming your first lesbian relationship. Link: annemariezanzal.com/getting-over-your-first-lesbian-relationship/I hope it helps to understand why our feelings can be so powerful. |
|
|
|
Post by zenith on May 16, 2023 22:30:29 GMT
Hi Jane, we're in a similar situation. I'm a guy whose realised that I'm gay (it's more than bisexuality) and I'm in a heterosexual marriage. I feel as though my true sexuality has woken up after many years and I'm looking around at my life thinking it's not set up for this, what to do. I still love my wife but more like a close relative than a partner.
|
|
|
|
Post by Saathi on May 18, 2023 12:09:53 GMT
Hi - sounds like you are going through a tough time. It's healthy you are connecting with others on here as they will help reduce isolation. Hope things are getting better for you. If you feel your mood and how you feel mentally and physically is affected consider speaking to your GP for support too. We also have various online groups too >> www.lgbthero.org.uk/Pages/Events/Category/upcoming-hangoutsFrom my own lived experience I found it difficult to speak to a counsellor or at least find someone but this was way back when there was less information to support LGBTQ+ people. Today there seems to be a lot more choice but waiting lists can be long unless one is able to fund private support. In the mean time I am wondering if the links for help below might work. www.lgbthero.org.uk/find-supportSwitchboard - 0300 330 0630, 10am-10pm - email chris@switchboard.lgbt LGBTQ+ helpline run by volunteers. Here to help you with whatever you want to talk about. Nothing is off limits. Best wishes |
|
|
|
Post by zenith on May 20, 2023 5:44:05 GMT
Hi Jane, thanks for responding. I haven't spoken with her yet. I want to ensure that my sexuality change is definite and permanent first before exposing her to any hurt. I have thought it through and know exactly what I will say and how I say it. I'm a couple of months into my realization now and at first it was pretty intense like being a teenage boy again with all the urges, excitement and impulsivity that brings. It has taken a lot of self control not to go out and find a guy to sleep with but I am very loyal and faithful to my wife after many years of marriage. Has your situation moved on at all Jane? Thanks Zenith
|
|
|
|
Post by whoknows on May 21, 2023 5:49:24 GMT
I have so much respect for everyone on this thread (& others, of which there are many) who have found the strength to confront this in their lives, and come on a forum to discuss it.
I can relate to everything each of you say. I’m in a similar situation; married to a man, two young children, a many experiences with women along the way including a catalyst more recently. I also question how I missed the signs along the way but I’ve started to just accept that that’s how it is and think more now about how to move forwards.
My relationship with my husband hasn’t been the best anyway, and yes we could work on it, but it seems pointless given that the future I want and envisage is one with another woman.
Challenge I have is telling my homophobic parents and physically separating from my husband when I have such young children. I carry so much guilt.
Has anyone found their straight partner truly accept this discovery? My husband is so in denial! He cannot accept it. He makes comments like “so aren’t you bi?” As if I would mean he has a chance. Or “so I’ve turned you gay?” There is no curiosity from him at all which makes me feel so dismissed 😔
Drawing so much strength from reading other people’s stories so thank you for sharing xx
|
|
|
|
Post by zenith on May 21, 2023 15:53:33 GMT
I have a feeling that my wife will be understanding when I open up to her about my change, I'm afraid of what lies ahead though which is part of the reason I haven't discussed with her yet as well as waiting to see how things settle down by the time a couple more months pass.
|
|
|
|
Post by feelinglousyandlost on Jun 9, 2023 8:02:53 GMT
Hi Jane,
I hope you see this, it’s 4am where I am and I’ve had another sleepless night. Been googling and came across your post. I feel like I could have written a lot of the posts on it myself. (Especially the bit about having an irritating husband. Sometimes I want to sock his lights out, not that I’m encouraging violence! Sorry, I find humor is the only tool I have to try and find the positives right now.)
You seem to be a couple of months ahead of me and I wondered how you are and if things are better? I’m 38 and married for 15 years with three kids. I’ve not said anything to my husband yet. I feel I need to unburden myself by telling him, but also I keep wanting to give him one last nice day before I possibly crush him. He’s a sweet man, he doesn’t deserve this.
I live in a small town, population 14 and a half. The nearest city is an hour away, it’s more of a larger town with a population of maybe 23. Point is I’ve got nobody to talk to. All my friends are in my church group and I’ve had a sheltered upbringing.
I should say, I’ve come to realize that I’m bi (I think!) but I’ve never had female experiences. It’s good that you and your fella are talking about things. Was he hurt or supportive? Have you any suggestions for how I might bring this up with him? We had a perfect little marriage for so long. It was special and just wonderful and we made each other so happy and I can’t see how it won’t be negatively effected by this and I know it won’t ever be the same again 😢
Love,
Connie
|
|
