Post by perry on Aug 1, 2023 9:59:46 GMT
Hi,
This is an immensely difficult post for me to write.
Essential info: Amab, non-binary with feminine leaning, probably bi.
Friends and allies have been telling me to just be myself and enjoy my life having spent about 5 years incel during which time I came out as non-binary.
I’m human and have…… feelings…. Too. It’s not easy to find females who would be happy to have a relationship with a trans non-binary. If I acknowledge my fantasies….. an intimate relationship with a male is not impossible for me.
So I grasped the nettle and via a non binary dating app found somebody, who visited the past weekend and stayed overnight, which was part of my plan to see how things progressed rather than rush things in an afternoon.
Generally…… all was ok…. But I had to drink really a lot to….. loosen up. One thing led to another.
Monday…… I felt ill as heck. Physically and mentally. I realise alcohol could be a lot of that ill feeling and also exacerbating feelings of guilt, shame, self hatred, self disgust.
I let him do things to me that I don’t like and now I’m left feeling that I’d be selfish if I said what was not ok. This then leads to ‘then don’t see him again’.
I’m desperately trying to figure out where I am rn. Is this normal? How much is me being ‘too hard and tight’ with myself?
If I see him again….. I’d want to reduce the alcohol but in so doing my defences will be sky high and that wld be unfair on them who would be expecting the same as before. I can’t say anything like ‘ok,,you can visit but no x,y and z’ bc tht cld sound controlling.
I’m between a rock and a hard place!!!
Any pointers gratefully received.
Thx. .
This is an immensely difficult post for me to write.
Essential info: Amab, non-binary with feminine leaning, probably bi.
Friends and allies have been telling me to just be myself and enjoy my life having spent about 5 years incel during which time I came out as non-binary.
I’m human and have…… feelings…. Too. It’s not easy to find females who would be happy to have a relationship with a trans non-binary. If I acknowledge my fantasies….. an intimate relationship with a male is not impossible for me.
So I grasped the nettle and via a non binary dating app found somebody, who visited the past weekend and stayed overnight, which was part of my plan to see how things progressed rather than rush things in an afternoon.
Generally…… all was ok…. But I had to drink really a lot to….. loosen up. One thing led to another.
Monday…… I felt ill as heck. Physically and mentally. I realise alcohol could be a lot of that ill feeling and also exacerbating feelings of guilt, shame, self hatred, self disgust.
I let him do things to me that I don’t like and now I’m left feeling that I’d be selfish if I said what was not ok. This then leads to ‘then don’t see him again’.
I’m desperately trying to figure out where I am rn. Is this normal? How much is me being ‘too hard and tight’ with myself?
If I see him again….. I’d want to reduce the alcohol but in so doing my defences will be sky high and that wld be unfair on them who would be expecting the same as before. I can’t say anything like ‘ok,,you can visit but no x,y and z’ bc tht cld sound controlling.
I’m between a rock and a hard place!!!
Any pointers gratefully received.
Thx. .
