Post by oli on Nov 29, 2023 21:16:51 GMT
Hello, I really need support. I am 37 years old and got pregnant with my first child at 22. My then boyfriend at the time (now husband) and I had only been dating for 6 months. Our relationship wasn’t strong but he stepped up and promised to love me and the baby no matter what. And he has… we now have 3 aged 13, 11 and 7.
A year after my daughter was born, I began having some sort of awakening where I was yearning for the feminine on a soul level. I developed a crush on my hair dresser. And couldn’t stop feeling drawn towards women. It was almost as if my soul was saying okay you’ve had your man and baby, now it’s time to feel this other side of yourself.
Fast forward to years later, after birthing, breastfeeding, weaning etc when my libido finally came back it was back with a vengeance … for women. That awakening feeling came back and I was just yearning for a female.. I then fell in love with my friend. I would fantasize about her when I’d have sex with my husband. I was disappointed when she said she was straight, but what did I really think would happen?
This kept repeating until a friend fell in love with me too, and I had that “catalyst” they talk about. It was the wildest, most soul connected, passionate sex I’d ever had. When it ended … I found myself feeling like my soul was slowly dying. I had the most amazing husband and children and we’d built a beautiful life together but I would secretly watch lesbian reels and cry.. feeling like there was something I wanted so badly, on a soul level, but would never have it.
I came to my husband with this, and after much discussion he allowed me to date women. I felt like this was the perfect solution to having that need met and honoured while also keeping my family.. until it wasn’t.
I met a woman who didn’t have kids or marriage (also had just realized she was a lesbian) and we aligned on all levels; sexually, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Similar visions, dreams, life goals and interests. We had instant chemistry and things got deeper and deeper and we fell in love. It’s been almost a year since we started talking.. dating for about 9-10 months.
My husband saw this depth, commented on how I only seem happy when I’ve seen her or when I’m going to see her. He became very threatened and insecure. He asked me to end it. I couldn’t . He eventually poured into himself more and seems to be in an okay place about it all again (he may just be terrified of losing me in an ultimatum).
I feel like the pressure of the world is on top of me. I’ve felt extremely depressed and anxious, in this place of limbo. I worry the most about my kids, because I don’t want to break their little hearts. We’ve got such a beautiful family. He’s a perfect husband; attractive, hard working, and willingness to make everything work. I have given him sex over the years but realize if he didn’t ask, I’d probably go without it forever. I don’t have the desire to kiss him like I kiss her. Me and her have a lot of passion, which I know is common at the beginning and fades in time, but we also want all the same things in the future. Him and I butt heads because he is materialistic and wants things that are too out of reach, her and I want the simple happy life.
Sometimes I criticize myself a lot and become depressed.. I think, maybe it’s my mental health? Maybe I was just bored ? And wanted excitement? Maybe I’m taking my situation and life for granted?
However, I’ve always been a happy person who’s worked hard to maintain good mental health in healthy ways. I love spirituality, positivity, focusing on the things I’m grateful for. This depressed state just has never been me, but it’s been getting worse and worse over the years. It comes and goes. And seems related to the fact that, no matter how much I pour into myself, hobbies, kids , career etc I just can’t seem to find that zest and joy I use to feel. It all seemed to get better once I started dating my girlfriend, but since my husband has been lashing out on me and there’s the threat of divorce and damaging my kids, my mental health seems worse than ever. I feel like dying sometimes and like what could feel worse than this feeling than death itself?
I struggle with self esteem, I feel like a horrible person for putting myself in this situation and in my lowest states wonder if this is all just in my head and I’m crazy.
Any thoughts would be appreciated
A year after my daughter was born, I began having some sort of awakening where I was yearning for the feminine on a soul level. I developed a crush on my hair dresser. And couldn’t stop feeling drawn towards women. It was almost as if my soul was saying okay you’ve had your man and baby, now it’s time to feel this other side of yourself.
Fast forward to years later, after birthing, breastfeeding, weaning etc when my libido finally came back it was back with a vengeance … for women. That awakening feeling came back and I was just yearning for a female.. I then fell in love with my friend. I would fantasize about her when I’d have sex with my husband. I was disappointed when she said she was straight, but what did I really think would happen?
This kept repeating until a friend fell in love with me too, and I had that “catalyst” they talk about. It was the wildest, most soul connected, passionate sex I’d ever had. When it ended … I found myself feeling like my soul was slowly dying. I had the most amazing husband and children and we’d built a beautiful life together but I would secretly watch lesbian reels and cry.. feeling like there was something I wanted so badly, on a soul level, but would never have it.
I came to my husband with this, and after much discussion he allowed me to date women. I felt like this was the perfect solution to having that need met and honoured while also keeping my family.. until it wasn’t.
I met a woman who didn’t have kids or marriage (also had just realized she was a lesbian) and we aligned on all levels; sexually, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Similar visions, dreams, life goals and interests. We had instant chemistry and things got deeper and deeper and we fell in love. It’s been almost a year since we started talking.. dating for about 9-10 months.
My husband saw this depth, commented on how I only seem happy when I’ve seen her or when I’m going to see her. He became very threatened and insecure. He asked me to end it. I couldn’t . He eventually poured into himself more and seems to be in an okay place about it all again (he may just be terrified of losing me in an ultimatum).
I feel like the pressure of the world is on top of me. I’ve felt extremely depressed and anxious, in this place of limbo. I worry the most about my kids, because I don’t want to break their little hearts. We’ve got such a beautiful family. He’s a perfect husband; attractive, hard working, and willingness to make everything work. I have given him sex over the years but realize if he didn’t ask, I’d probably go without it forever. I don’t have the desire to kiss him like I kiss her. Me and her have a lot of passion, which I know is common at the beginning and fades in time, but we also want all the same things in the future. Him and I butt heads because he is materialistic and wants things that are too out of reach, her and I want the simple happy life.
Sometimes I criticize myself a lot and become depressed.. I think, maybe it’s my mental health? Maybe I was just bored ? And wanted excitement? Maybe I’m taking my situation and life for granted?
However, I’ve always been a happy person who’s worked hard to maintain good mental health in healthy ways. I love spirituality, positivity, focusing on the things I’m grateful for. This depressed state just has never been me, but it’s been getting worse and worse over the years. It comes and goes. And seems related to the fact that, no matter how much I pour into myself, hobbies, kids , career etc I just can’t seem to find that zest and joy I use to feel. It all seemed to get better once I started dating my girlfriend, but since my husband has been lashing out on me and there’s the threat of divorce and damaging my kids, my mental health seems worse than ever. I feel like dying sometimes and like what could feel worse than this feeling than death itself?
I struggle with self esteem, I feel like a horrible person for putting myself in this situation and in my lowest states wonder if this is all just in my head and I’m crazy.
Any thoughts would be appreciated