Hi there Debbie,
First of all, thanks for your post. I'm Justin and I work for OutLife. It's great to see you and harryh supporting one another. That's exactly what this forum is for!
While I don't know exactly how you feel, I can definitely relate. My parents are also religious (Bahá'ís to be exact) and it made me super scared to come out to them. I spent a lot of years from age 11/12 onwards fearing the worst and experiencing a tonne of anxiety and depression because I was so terrified. I couldn't bear the thought of them hating me, and it weighed very heavily.
But here I am, years later and for me, coming out was definitely the best decision. That's not to assume it's the best thing for you, but more on that in a bit. After I came out things were difficult for a while but my parents came around and while things aren't perfect, they have accepted that they won't change who I am and that in order for me to take part in family life, I have to be myself.
I think the whole thing would have been made a lot easier had I known that there are thousands upon thousands of people from religious backgrounds going through the same thing, and that there were places I could go for support. People in the LGBTQ+ community come from all walks of life, many of whom have had religious upbringings or are still religious.
What I'm going to do now is direct you to some services and websites that could be of help in your situation. You are not alone Debbie. The LGBTQ+ community is full of people who can offer advice and support.
- You mention that you've attempted to take your life before. I'm so sorry that you've been in that much pain. If you ever don't feel safe, please let someone know. Here are a couple of numbers you should call:
Samaritans: 116 123, available to listen and talk, non-judgementally about anything you want. You don't need to be suicidal to call. Open 24/7, 365 days a year.
Emergency Services: 999, in the case of a medical emergency, or if you fear for your own well-being or safety, call and ask for an ambulance.
- It's also worth reading up on suicidal thoughts and feelings on the Mind website, as there's a lot of useful information and advice there, though it's non-LGBTQ+ specific.
www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/suicidal-feelings/You may also want to read their LGBTQ+ mental health fact page
www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/lgbtq-mental-health/#.XIAGc8D7SM8- If you'd rather talk to someone who is LGBTQ+, then it's best to call Switchboard. It's a helpline for run by LGBTQ+ volunteers and it's been going for decades. They can listen to your thoughts and feelings, and possibly direct you somewhere that can help. It's a really great service and you might find that talking to another LGBTQ+ person provides some relief. Call them on 0300 330 0630 from 10am - 10pm. They also intermittently run a web chat service if that's more your thing:
switchboard.lgbt/- There's actually a UK-based charity run by, and for LGBTQ+ muslims called Imaan. It's been running for quite a while, and while lots of its work is public-facing campaigning, it could be worth sending them a message to ask if they know of any local communities or support networks that you could connect with: info@imaan.org.uk
- It's great that you've talked to other lesbians. If you're looking for other opportunities to meet LGBTQ+ people your age there are options. You don't mention where you're based, but as you're 19, there area lots of LGBTQ+ youth organisations that might be able to offer some support. They organise youth groups and have dedicated support workers who've almost certainly worked with young people in your situation.
For example there's the Proud Trust in the Manchester area:
www.theproudtrust.org/for-young-people/lgbt-youth-groups/where-can-i-find-a-youth-group/And there's Mosaic in the London area:
mosaicyouth.org.uk/And if you're in Scotland, you might want to try the LGBT Youth Scotland site:
www.lgbtyouth.org.uk/groups-and-support/ - One thing that scared me before coming out was not knowing anyone who'd been through the same thing. It might be also be helpful to head read / watch some coming out stories to see what their experience was like. R U Coming Out is a collection of videos where people talk about what coming out was like for them. Try watching some, it might help you sort through some of your own feelings.
www.rucomingout.com/- Of all the coming out guidance I've read online, this one is the absolute best. It gives really practical ways to think about coming out, an what would be best for your in your specific circumstances. This is great as coming out is not a one size fits all kind of deal. If you don't think coming out to them directly is right for you, there's advice for that too.
A short extract:
"It may be better to gradually let your parents know that you’re lesbian, gay or bisexual, allowing them to realise at a pace they can take. It may be clear to you that this is the best way for your family. In some families, it may take a discussion with someone outside the family to work out the best approach for you."
www.akt.org.uk/Handlers/Download.ashx?IDMF=7af8ea5b-2ce5-45af-aa44-7719c6f30fe6- If you're looking for other queer Muslim voices, then the internet is your friend. The Queer Muslims Tumblr page seems (after a quick scan) a relatively safe space, and has stories from other Muslim women.
I really hope that you find some of the above useful Debbie. If you have any more questions or concerns then please, post again. Take care of yourself.
Justin
