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Post by debbiedowner99 on May 24, 2019 14:30:00 GMT
I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but why are you placing so much of your self-worth on other people accepting you? It's clear to me that what you are looking for you won't get from these people. And I think trying to change society is not going to be done overnight no matter how much you want it to be called out. In my opiniion you are giving them too much power over your emotions and feelings. I know we all need emotional connections and feel like we are part of something but if this isn't working for you in the LGBT community maybe it's time to stop looking for their acceptance and look outside of the LGBT community. Like there are lots of groups for people of all ages that have nothing to do with being LGBT and probably have lots of LGBT people in them. I know I'm younger than you and I knwo that means I don't have your life experiences but you don't seem to be happy following this approach within the community. So maybe stop and try non-LGBT stuff.
Debbie x
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Post by Piltover on May 24, 2019 15:13:46 GMT
Hi there notgoodenough, The experience of being a gay man can be super tough, and it sounds like you really want to talk to someone who can relate. Sorry to hear that Birmingham LGBT didn't work out for you, but there are other options. London Friend for instance, is a great London-based LGBT charity that has just launched an online video counselling service www.bit.ly/ldnfriend. It's open to anyone in the UK and though it's only 7 sessions (including the initial assessment), it could be a good way to get some support in the short / medium term. What do you think? |
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Post by notgoodenough on May 24, 2019 21:38:41 GMT
Hi Debbie,
The fact you are telling me to look outside of the LGBT community and not be bothered that all these gay men hate me find me repulsive and want nothing to do with me and find acceptance elsewhere is EXACTLY the message that I am not good enough to be gay and that I should have never bothered to come out and hoped to find the social life, sex life and love life that I had hoped for and why I wish I was dead.
Justinmj,
I will look at londonfriend but am maybe a little cynical. Sadly such counselling etc cant stop people treating me any differently.... what I need is people actually prepared to befriend me who can help me integrate but even people I thought were friends in the past would act like they barely knew me socially. What I want is people to be grabbed by the sruff of the neck and asked what exactly is so terribly awful and repulsive about me that I deserve to be made to feel like this and do they realise they are all pushing me closer and closer too the edge.
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Post by harryh on May 25, 2019 2:23:38 GMT
Hey, not trying to weight in on this. But when did the gay community have a vote to call you repulsive? I don't remember that vote. Get me right. I have my own issues but generalising that the whole of the entire gay community finds you repulsive is a little of an overreaction in my opinion. I'm not trying to dismiss your experiences or feelings. Look at my own threads on here and you will see we have more in common than separates us but you are really generalising. I can see what Debbie was saying. You are doing the same thing over and over again and getting angry with the getting the same results. Maybe it's time to not do that and try something else? It feels like the whole world is against you and nothing can help. All services suck, all support groups also suck. Looking back through this thread you have used the word 'repulsive' a lot. Like hell of a lot. How many people in your life have told you that to your face? How many people in your life have told you that you are repulsive?
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Post by debbiedowner99 on May 25, 2019 2:30:03 GMT
Hey notgoodenough. Sorry I didn't mean to upset you. I don't know you but I love you and am here for you if you need me. I'm happy to read your rants  . And please do rant. I know from first hand how good it is to write it all down on something like this. It's not about who responds but about how you feel when you click 'post'. Debbie x |
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Post by debbiedowner99 on May 25, 2019 2:33:31 GMT
I can see what Debbie was saying. You are doing the same thing over and over again and getting angry with the getting the same results. Maybe it's time to not do that and try something else? Hey Harry. I was basically saying that there's a wider world out there and just because we are LGBT doesn't mean we need to centre our lives around that. I really wan't trying to tell notgoodenough that all gay people are awful. Just that it's OK to look outside our community for friendship/support. Debbie x |
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Post by harryh on May 25, 2019 2:36:36 GMT
Hey Debbie, I know I got that. And I fully understand that too. We both care abotu notgoodenough. That's all that matters. All our advice comes from a good place |
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Post by debbiedowner99 on May 25, 2019 2:38:18 GMT
Glad to hear that. notgoodenough we are here and want you to post when times are tough. Rant away! Thwt's what this space is for.
Debbie x
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Post by notgoodenough on May 25, 2019 10:11:41 GMT
You are assuming I don't do LGBT related things. I do, whilst I dont have many people in my life socially, most of the ones I see on a regular basis are straight people as a result of pursuing a hobby in a non LBGT context.
But why should I have to give up on trying to have gay friends (especially gay male friends of a similar age who I feel I have things in common with) thus be accepting I have to shut of a huge aspect of my personality, and give up on ever finding more meaningful friendships in the context of a mroe general social life, maybe even finding a regular sexual partner, or even a proper relationship and not be deeply bothered and troubled by this?
As for being repulsive, it took me a long time to accept this, even at first when some people were telling me directly. I mean it perplexed me on the scene why nobody would ever speak and why I was pushed out even if I went out with someone I knew, why none of the gay students would speak to me when I was the LGBT officer at my college. The fact guys would generally never speak to me on websites like gaydar, or if they did reply to messages they would say things like "p**s off you minger" or "f*** off you fat s****y-faced c***". Even when someone later told me I was too ugly to have a face picture and expect anyone to speak to me I didnt fully undersand. Then gaydar introduced a thing where you could rate peoples profile pictues out of 10. The results of these were public. Generally the lowest average scores you would se would be around about an 5-6.... my average was 1.8. I think that was the point where I started to realise just how unattractive I was and it all made sense.
With regards to being critical of certain places which offer support/counselling etc. Sorry if it comes across that way, if these places can help people (which obviously they do) then that is great. What I am expressing is my own personal frustration at not being able to find any suitable help and support. It feels none of this help is suited to me as it is only really geared up to help those who are good enough to be gay and just need a bit of support maybe accepting they are themselves (something I never had a problem with) or just a bit of help settling in.
I have really reached a point where I just feel it is all so pointless.
The fact that it is Birmingham Pride this weekend is really rubbing my nose in things....
all those men going on about "pride" when truth of the matter is so many of them would rather shag a married man cheating on an unsuspecting wife than ever even give me the time of day when I happily accepted who I was years ago but have been forced to hate beibng gay and hate myself
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Post by harryh on May 25, 2019 11:25:12 GMT
Maybe you should write an article about all of this and how you feel for OutLife. Like your letter to the community. That way you can get everything off your chest and let OutLife deliver that message for you. People will never change unless they know how you feel.
Hey OutLife, would you publish that?
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. And please do rant. I know from first hand how good it is to write it all down on something like this. It's not about who responds but about how you feel when you click 'post'.