elaine57
Newbie
Feeling more positive.
Posts: 19
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Post by elaine57 on Oct 15, 2019 11:59:52 GMT
Well here we go my life over the past 18 months has been an emotional rollercoaster. Suddenly realising that l had fallen in love with my best friend, it hit me out of the blue. From that point on l was shocked a bit scared and became very worried. I am a married woman and my friend made it quite clear that she wasn’t interested. I am on anti depressants and they help a little. Things went downhill rapidly recently when she decided that we could no longer be friends. To say l am in a bad place is understating my feelings. My husband knows all about this and has been struggling too quite understandably. I knew from the past that l may not be straight because l had romantic feelings for a woman many years ago but dismissed it as a blip you could say. I now know that it definitely wasn’t. Don’t know where to turn really, having counselling feeling heartbroken and trying to remain with my husband even though l don’t love him as l should. I am not happy at home and if l leave l wouldn’t be happy either .
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Post by kirhymeswithpie on Oct 16, 2019 7:04:07 GMT
Hi there,
I'm sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. You are not alone. Sexuality is a spectrum and it is quite common for bisexual people to form relationships with a particular gender initially before realising later in life that they are also attracted to the other. Biphobia and bierasure in society also enforces the "if you are not gay you must be straight" and vice versa narrative.
It sounds like you may be struggling with more than one thing at the moment. Coming to terms and accepting bisexuality can be difficult. If neither staying or leaving is going to lead to happiness, perhaps the question to figure out is what will?
I wish you all the best on your journey.
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elaine57
Newbie
Feeling more positive.
Posts: 19
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Post by elaine57 on Oct 16, 2019 21:15:01 GMT
Hi there, thanks for your support it is appreciated. I will get there!
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Post by freedom2be on Oct 20, 2019 5:14:42 GMT
Hello Elaine and welcome to the forums...Even if you do not quite think so right now...Some of these postings they get picked up by people who might show you some deserved empathy hopefully...Really your post has connected with me so much because I also have fallen in love with my friend this past summer...I don't have some of the pressure of being in a 'heterosexual' role as I came out as gay man long time ago...What I can say in regards to me that it is indeed painful to have fallen in love with a friend and in today's society it is not at all abnormal that these so called 'friends' decide to stay far far away as if the loving feelings was like some sort of aggression, a bad thing happening to them...It is indeed peculiar how as human beings we do process much easier anything sort of negative like a quarrel or an insult but when it comes to process something as usual as a sudden higher level of affection (romantic affection in our case)...I think kirhy says some highly valuable reflections...But all I can say is that do not feel ashamed not a bit because your feelings crumbled next to the woman you love...Ok maybe this time we won't know the bliss of being reciprocated by the people we love but this is what make us so very human...The fact that after all we don't 'adjust life properly'...The fact that we pour our hearts even if we are aware we will end up loosing...If someone truly loves you (your current male partner for example) they will want you to know and express your authentic feelings no matter how 'threatening' to his ego now those are...We got to find the strength somehow even if we are loosing in terms of love...We all hope in these forums that you do take care, that eventually these high emotions somehow settle and please come back to share here as much as you need to...
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elaine57
Newbie
Feeling more positive.
Posts: 19
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Post by elaine57 on Oct 20, 2019 12:54:46 GMT
Thank you so much for that l really appreciate your reply. I guess l am very lucky my partner is trying to be supportive , my life is so full of misery and l miss her so much l am struggling to find reasons to carry on! It doesn’t help that we have mutual friends and tend to see each other occasionally. Am l crazy to think that one day she may be my friend again?
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Post by freedom2be on Oct 20, 2019 14:04:03 GMT
Dear Elaine, If you perhaps decided to go down the route of professional help (with I think it is suitable given the anxiety this is generating) what you have to accept is that the therapeutical space will be useful to cope with the feelings of loss, with finding out where you are in the Bi to Straight continuum line that has kirhy mentioned on her message and possibly to help you establish some tangible goals for the sake of your life. I can only speak from the point of view of the man+man community which is the one I have been exposed to mainly here in London and a bit in continental Europe. If I for example fall for a guy who is not reciprocating my experience tells me that it is unlikely I see that person again in friendship terms. At least this is what has happened to me. As I said in my message before, nowadays people handle really really badly infatuations...Check online perhaps pieces of advice by Googling 'I was rejected by my best friend' possibly from reputed psychology websites...Those tend to say don't go the same venues where you loved one might be or frequent common friends for example...What perhaps in this forum see as a more tangible outcome is if you eventually meet a similar woman this time willing to reciprocate and start a relationship with you and of course if that is the plan then your current lover should be made aware of the new identity and new plans for your life...In honesty, I think our current objects of desire (my friend and your friend) are out of reach and even though you will keep this crush of yours as very precious for a long while...she got the main message...You did as well...she does not have to know any more details...It is very early to say if she will eventually be around you again to meet for coffee for example but even that could well be kind of hazardous for you as meeting her, hanging out with friends of her, doing things that will remind you of her is going to continue to bring emotional pain for you...Meeting her for coffee will do nothing but to give you hopes that will not deliver it seems...it is a very dangerous route to take for you...Explore moving on instead by means of talking therapy, artistic creation, perhaps a good analysis of your current state of mind, self help books, participation in coming out therapeutical groups...and a good dose of taking care of your well being...I am only speaking of my own experience. Some years ago I kind of fell for some sort 'forbidden fruit' kind of guy after having been with him a few intense months I fell in love strongly and I never ever saw him again even though he is only just a couple of miles from where I live in North London. I am glad at the time I did declare my love but none of that actually materialised... My experience therefore is: if the person is not interested...don't put yourself under unhealthy pressure and pain....Don't insist basically even if you so much want to...Those people are not meant to be and we need to let it go...Possibly you are right...Try to see what can be worked out with your current partner, heal, accept and gradually build up resilience for your own sake to bring up step by step your normal happiness, a normal expression of your true you back...We need to 'stay afloat' and eventually manage to be our true selves again...Feel free to update us anytime here...
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elaine57
Newbie
Feeling more positive.
Posts: 19
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Post by elaine57 on Oct 28, 2019 14:12:16 GMT
Been feeling much better lately, still get butterflies if l see her but it doesn’t bother me so much. Being a social phobe l have needed to still see the friends l have managed to make and this is while dog walking . I have been doing a lot of thinking and examining myself and my past and come to the conclusion that l am most probably bi-romantic asexual at this time in my life. Although l don’t necessarily think labels are necessary it helps me. I have been having counselling and this is good!
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Post by freedom2be on Nov 3, 2019 2:52:08 GMT
Hello Elaine and thanks for the update. Just to re-assure you that here with us you can be completely honest...I get the feeling this love of yours meant a lot to you and that is something wonderful...If you perhaps remember my posting I think one similar issue with us is that it started with a friendship and possibly we are the kind of people who pick friends carefully and also we are generous with the affection we show them...And that has been the starting point...A special person to us who little by little became more and more special to the point we lost ourselves in the perception and level of affection...At the same time I get the feeling your husband is the 'bird in the hand' of the story...Affection I guess is not something we can quite categorise...we have this urges to want to hug, to want to hold, to want to caress people we feel affection for and maybe for you, you were not so used to feel that for another woman...But this is how we gays/ bi begin to come out...when the feelings are so obvious and the object of desire again and again is someone of the same gender as ours...We in this forum we can understand that changing life could be too much for you and that loyal husband sounds like he will remain your cornerstone for sometime still...And I think it is wonderful he has been accepting because you begin to express your feelings and know your feelings...who cares about categories? We continue to be human and affection is something that give us a great deal of dignity...You have done the right thing because you have opened up with two people you care very much for...One ended up as a lost chance but the other is still real love for you to pursue...do you think for example being around coming out women can help you get a sense of belonging? Do you feel accepted as you are in this forum? We understand it is difficult for you as you begin to be in two worlds but you have done nothing wrong...You have not had a secret for neither him or her...and maybe at the moment planing your life seems difficult but many here are just improvising...Falling in love is not at all something to be troubled for...We have learned something about ourselves...We might think we are not complete but we just have shown our humanity...Simply that our friendship became really intense and the feelings evolved towards higher affection, higher desire...This time we could not make it part of our material experience but it showed us we have loving feelings. OK now that perhaps 'defeat must be accepted' is time to be sensible and consider that lovely sweet bird that still lies in your hand...He has not gone...He is still loyal to you...Is there a chance for you to continue the friendship with him...Do you feel he needs your affection? Do you care for him the same do you think?
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elaine57
Newbie
Feeling more positive.
Posts: 19
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Post by elaine57 on Nov 3, 2019 11:32:36 GMT
A really lovely meaningful reply , thank you for that! I do feel accepted on here just seems my issues are very minor compared to others. To me it’s immensely important and that l can talk about it with understanding people who don’t think l am an old fool. My partner will always be very important to me and l try to show affection , he doesn’t approve of me talking to others and just wants a quiet life l think. I am slowly accepting that l have lost a friend and will always have feelings for her and miss her. I have been having counselling and this has helped a lot. You are right that l don’t give my friendship easily this has been my life always which made it even harder when this happened to me.
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Post by freedom2be on Nov 10, 2019 12:41:55 GMT
Hi Elaine, I hope you are feeling all right with yourself and thank you for posting. I had some time to think about your post. You know it relates to my own situation in a way.
What I want to say it is that it would help to be fully honest with the person you are going to choose to be your confidant. That special person you do trust with your feelings. What I am trying to say is that by sharing more precise circumstances you probably will be able to pin point to what could have possibly gone wrong and begin to heal to eventually move on. You can by all means post your thoughts here but I get the feeling the counsellor might be more interested since it is in his/ her own interest for you to achieve some resolution. Some things I pick up...We in the forum still do not have a clear idea of what is the combination of sexualities between you and your special friend. I mean, do you have a sense that she could be bisexual/ lesbian at all? Because if she isn't then we know right there the main reason the situation turned like that. A heterosexual woman is not interested in other women. In our gay/ bi psyche we tend to project our own sexual preference in other groups. That is quite prevalent among guy+guy combinations and any guy in this forum could back me up that we tend to do that a lot. Somehow think that sex with a 'straight' guy is at a 'higher level' of masculinity almost and many times we kid ourselves thinking that is possible and that it can last a long time...That he is going to fall for us the same we fell for them...Also describing her a little bit...Is she married like you? Do you think that perhaps she has identified with the single culture, with the single identity for sometime? What I mean is that one thing you told us in this forum for sure is that you have been a number of years within a marriage. Fair enough. But what I kind of see is that you were facing these intense feelings but you were in this situation in the context of a marriage...You have managed to open up to your husband and that is really important but what was your intention really if she hypothetically had said yes. If she had said yes would you have considered dissolving the marriage? These answers are only hypothetical we know but I think these are questions for you to address with the counsellor in order to understand what happened. Because as you know enough single people do not consider love declarations from someone who is married. I am one of them I think. Being single is pretty much a subculture, a way of operating. So we have there another line of thought which could explain her reaction. Another thing I have in mind is if you could describe her in terms of age and socio-economic status. Do we have here a situation of two friends of similar ages? Or maybe not...
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