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Post by whoknows on May 30, 2022 15:24:33 GMT
I think almost everyone on this forum will be able to relate to the loneliness you feel when you're questioning your sexuality/identity. That's me, now. I'm currently in a a state of turmoil not knowing what to do with my life. I am 36, been married for 6 years and have two kids under 4. In the past I have had both relationships with men and women, almost of equal amounts; interestingly I recall more of the female encounters. Recently I have been struggling with my identity and general lack of fulfilment. I've not felt like I belonged, I've lacked enormous amounts of confidence and generally felt like there has been something missing. I'd find myself saying 'I have a husband, 2 beautiful children, a beautiful home, a good job, a great family and friends network and I have a happy life, but do I?'. In the past 2 years I've not wanted to be physically intimate with my husband; I put it down to having young children. Every time my mum friends would say 'you're not alone, I do anything to avoid it' I've found myself thinking 'yeh but this is different' because I've almost felt repulsed. Recently I've had an affair with another woman and it has blown my mind; it's not the first time I've been intimate with a woman but the body confidence I felt, the intensity and passion and safety of it all felt mind-blowing. At the same time, my therapist kept asking me if there was something I was suppressing, something that was stopping me from being truly happy; and I think that something is my sexuality. Almost like as he asked me the question, this woman walked into my life and acted as a catalyst. I'm now left with the biggest question ever; do I be selfish, pursue my own sexuality at the detriment of a family life. I feel I'm living a lie but yeh I can't imagine leaving my life as I know it behind. But I also can't fathom the idea of living out this lie for the rest of my life. BUT I also know how incredible it feels to be truly authentic; and how integral identity is to fulfilment. Of course, I deserve to teach my children the true value of authenticity and I should be a role model to them but it feels like such an enormous and daunting prospect. I have told my husband I think I might be gay but I'm scared of the conversation going further as I worry it forces a conclusion I'm just not ready for. My husband is struggling with his mental health; terrified at the prospect of losing me but that makes me feel even more suffocated. Looking for any advice, words of wisdom and encouragement at such an isolating and overwhelming time  |
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Post by Piltover on May 31, 2022 12:31:42 GMT
Hi there whoknows,
Welcome to the forums and thank you so much for sharing your story with us.
I'd like to start by saying that I know you must be feeling isolated and trapped at the moment but you've taken a really amazing step reaching out for advice and help. Coming out while you're in a long-term relationship or marriage can be complicated, but with support and time it's possible to find a way forward where you can be happy and fulfilled. I've never been in your situation before but loads of LGBTQ+ people find themselves coming out in similar circumstances and come to happy resolutions.
Only you know your own sexuality but it sounds like you're pretty sure that you're a lesbian from what you've written. Feeling like you're "living a lie" as you put it can be really harmful to your wellbeing, but it's also totally understandable that you're thinking about your husband and children and the impact that being authentic will have on them. I can't tell you exactly what to do in this scenario, but I can say that when a family member comes out, the other relatives can and do adjust. This goes for partners, children, or parents and siblings. It's common for LGBTQ+ people to linger on what the reactions of others may be, and assume negative ones in order to prepare ourselves for the worst, but this, often doesn't match the reality of the situation, or the real-life reactions of people who love and care for the queer person in question.
I can only speak to my own experience re coming out, but I totally understand what you mean about authenticity and the feeling it gives you. It can feel so liberating. In your case, it sounds like you're worried that your authenticity and the happiness of those around you are mutually exclusive. A question I think it's sometimes helpful for us to ask ourselves is "am I happy as things are?" and work outwards from there. Whatever you decide, and however things pan out, there is a community of LGBTQ+ people out there who can help support you along your journey so you never need be alone and can always seek advice from others, maybe even some that have been in the same situation.
Your partner is exp
I'm going to link to some resources below that I think might help, a couple of them are helplines. I know you're in therapy, but it can also help to talk to someone else who is LGBTQ+ and has similar life experiences.
Switchboard is the country's oldest LGBTQ+ helpline and is staffed by trained volunteers from the community. You can call them on 0300 330 0630 from 10am - 10pm.
LGBT Foundation also runs a helpline you can contact on 0345 3 30 30 30.
It might also be good to see if there are any community groups or drop-ins that you can visit in your local area where you can ask for support. You don't mention where you are but there are quite a few, especially in or near urban areas.
I hope that you found some of the above helpful. Things can and do get better. Please feel free to post again and give us an update.
Piltover
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Post by whoknows on Jun 1, 2022 13:19:57 GMT
Thank you Piltover, really appreciate the reply.
Interesting you observe that it sounds like I'm pretty sure I'm a lesbian, but I wonder if it's common for LGBTQ+ people to never be 100% sure... not knowing for sure can feel quite uncomfortable.
I'd love to hear from other people who have been through this process but I'm really struggling to find people in a similar boat.
Really appreciate you responding to me, it really helps to ease some of the loneliness
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Post by katie on Jun 1, 2022 16:34:49 GMT
Hi Whoknows,
I’m posting as I am currently in a pretty similar situation. I am 35, been married to my husband for 7 years and have 3 children under 5. Over the last few months, I have come to realise that I am bisexual. Looking back, I’ve always been attracted to women, and had crushes on girls, but I always found some way to explain these that had nothing to do with sexuality. It’s come as a bit of a surprise, but I’m doing ok with accepting myself.
What I’m struggling with is that I’ve never slept with a woman, and I really really want to explore this. I love my husband, but we have struggled in the bedroom for a few years now and I’ve put that down to having young children and being busy etc, but really I think I’m just not into having sex with him. I feel like we’ve lost our sexual connection and I don’t know if that’s to do with us as individual people, or because I want to be with a woman. My husband knows I’m Bi, and is supportive as long as it does not change our relationship. I don’t want to be unfaithful, and the thought of leaving the relationship fills me with guilt and fear. So I’m trying to find ways to explore this new side of myself without affecting anyone else. I’m not sure there are any magic answers, if there are, I haven’t found them. I’m just hoping that time will make things clearer and more settled. Thank you for sharing your situation, it’s nice to not feel so alone.
Katie
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Post by whoknows on Jun 1, 2022 17:45:36 GMT
so nice to hear from you Katie, I can totally empathise with your situation and how comforting it is to hear someone else in the same situation. I suppose I’m a little different in the sense I have had multiple sexual experiences with women. Sometimes I question if I sit in the bi camp or the lesbian camp and then I remember it doesn’t actually matter. Similar to you, I’m okay accepting who/what I am in myself, although I have a hard time accepting that others will be accepting.
You say your husband is supportive, where do you see your future? Do you see yourself with him just having explored another side to life? In an ideal world, with no fear or guilt, what would things be like for you and what would you be doing?
Have you been having sex with your husband still? I cannot bring myself to at all, haven’t for 5-6 months now. It’s eating me alive so I am so appreciative of your support and bravery in sharing your story. It provides such comfort, Thank you x
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Post by katie on Jun 2, 2022 7:22:28 GMT
Hiya,
Thanks for your reply- you ask good questions! In an ideal world- I’d be single and able to completely be myself. I am very frustrated that I didn’t figure this out before I got married!! I am a little envious of your experiences! I think ideally I’d like to open our marriage so that I could explore things with women. But that’s also risky, because I’m not sure that a little exploration would be enough..and there’s every chance that I may develop strong feelings for someone that would make things more complicated.
I am managing to have sex with my husband and I’m working on re-finding our connection. I love him very much, so I’m trying to use that by making sex about emotion and closeness rather than physical stuff. It’s hard work though, and sometimes I just really don’t want him to touch me and I have to fight the impulse to push him away. It doesn’t help that my husband seems to think it’s my responsibility to work on this, while he doesn’t need to change anything!!
I feel your pain with the 5/6 months. That’s a lot of worry and pressure to carry and I’m sorry you’re going through that. Have you been able to speak to your husband about it?
Best wishes,
Katie
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Post by whoknows on Jun 2, 2022 7:40:48 GMT
What makes you feel that a one off experience wouldn’t be enough? And can I ask what is it that appeals to you about a same sex relationship?
How do you feel when you consider the children? I think that’s my biggest fear in all of this; losing them.
I definitely feel I have been forced to suppress this all my life; didn’t talk about the lesbian experiences I had, and felt pressured to conform to a heteronormative life. Maybe you can relate when I say I ticked the marriage and kids box hoping it would complete me but it left me still feeling a little unfulfilled
For me, the idea of a lesbian relationship and being fully out feels so safe, confident and free.
Sad that your husband thinks it’s your job to fix! My husband and I have spoken and i told him about 3-4 months ago that I’m questioning my sexuality after doing work with my therapist whos convinced that what’s stopping me from truly being happy is something I’ve suppressed. Only 2 days ago did I tell my husband how far I’ve come along the journey in my mind, in the sense that I’m more gay than I’m letting on. I told him how I enjoyed lesbian sex, I told him that I get jealous of lesbian couples and how I wished I could have explored it earlier in life openly.
It sucks though doesn’t it? I feel so stifled, like I’m to blame for everything.
I wonder if the moderators would allow us to connect off the forum, would it be helpful to talk more?
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Post by katie on Jun 2, 2022 13:52:38 GMT
More good questions! And to be honest, I’m not really sure. It’s just something I feel and I don’t think I understand it fully yet. Yes, the children are a huge consideration and not being a full part of their lives is a painful thing to consider, so much that I can’t really think about it properly. I think they’d forgive me, but thinking about them is the worst part.
I don’t think I ever felt pressure consciously. I always knew I wanted children, the easiest way to do that was to be with a man, and I find men attractive…..so I assumed I was straight, and any time something challenged that I just ignored it. I never had any LGBTQ+ friends, so I guess that helped me to stay closed minded and reluctant to think too much about myself. I met a woman recently who I found attractive and developed a crush on and all of a sudden the penny just dropped!
Well done for being open with your husband. That must have been a really difficult, scary conversation to have. I’m glad you are working with a therapist and I hope they are able to give you the support you deserve. How has your husband reacted? I can understand the feeling of responsibility- but you are not to blame. Sexuality is one of those things that can’t be chosen, you are who you are and I think it’s ok to want to be true to that. But yes, it completely sucks!!
I don’t think there’s way to connect anonymously on the forums yet, and I’m not sure I’m ready to talk without anonymity. I’m still quite confused and ashamed about my feelings and thoughts, and being anonymous makes it easier to talk about them. It would be really nice to keep in touch on here as we both navigate through this. If there is a way to chat privately whilst remaining anonymous that would be amazing, but if not I’m happy to continue talking here.
Katie x
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Post by whoknows on Jun 2, 2022 20:26:14 GMT
Totally understand that re the anonymity, hadn’t really thought about that aspect.
Have you read the book ‘Untamed’ by Glennon Doyle? It’s really good, and it makes you really think about your role as a mother and how being a role model is so much more important than being a martyr. There’s also an insane quote I came across “the greatest burden a child can bear is the unloved life of a parent”. That hit me hard!!
How open have you been with your husband about quite how developed your desire to explore are!? And I suppose your concern thst once won’t be enough!?
I’m at such a loss with what to do; the sex I experienced lately with a woman was just off the scale and it is totally undeniable. But I’m sure you know how I feel when I say I’m not ready to leave my life as is but I’ll be really upset if I continue to live this lie and I don’t get to live my life out as authentically as possible.
Have you spoken to anyone about what you’re going through? Friends or family?
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Post by katie on Jun 3, 2022 18:27:28 GMT
Nope, I haven’t read that one, I’ll look out for it- thanks for the recommendation. That’s a hard hitting quote…. definitely a different perspective and something to think about.
I’ve told him that I’m attracted to women, and he knows I’ve been to a couple of LGBT group meetings, but I haven’t told him how intense my feelings are or that I want to explore them physically. I’m worried that sharing this with him will make him feel really insecure and effectively end our relationship. I don’t think that’s what I want….I’m just hoping that my feelings will become less intense with time, or I can find some other way to express and explore this side of myself. I’m also working with a therapist, and that’s really helpful.
I completely understand the not being ready to leave your life. It’s a big change, and it’s bound to take time to adjust. There’s no rush 🙂 Have you thought about how you would like to live if you were starting fresh? I mean in terms of the practicalities? I could be wrong, but I’m wondering if you are feeling that things are a little hopeless….and maybe having a concrete practical option would help you feel more in control…even if you never use it? Just a thought.
Katie
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