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Post by whoknows on Jun 3, 2022 19:25:07 GMT
I do know how you feel; haven’t told mine how intense my feelings are or how much I want to explore them physically. He thinks I have no sex drive when actually since I’ve had this awakening moment, I feel it’s unlocked something I can’t suppress anymore.
I think I feel a bit like you too, in the hope that it will just fizzle out, but I know I don’t really want it to fizzle out either.
Great question, Do you mean, If I were starting a fresh ie. before kids/marriage etc?
So glad you have a therapist who’s proving helpful!
Today has felt so dark for me; have felt so insecure, and just so low, feeling there’s no way out 😞
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Post by katie on Jun 3, 2022 19:47:03 GMT
Yea, if you were starting fresh before marriage and kids, how would you do it?
I’m sorry to hear that today has been a bad day. It sounds like you’ve come a very long way over the last 6 months and however you are feeling is legitimate and important. You’re not alone x
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Post by whoknows on Jun 4, 2022 6:06:04 GMT
If I was starting again, I wouldn’t rush into marriage and I’d have given myself time to explore other avenues. And hopefully have had the courage to address them and not suppress them. I wish i could have just told my family about the lesbian relationship I had, just come out with it. It’s hard because I wish I could start again but then I realise doing that would mean I didn’t have my 2 children so it leaves me in a right headf**k! Not sure if this resonates with you but in some ways I honestly believe I rushed into marriage as a way to conform; and I thought marriage and kids would provide me all the fulfilment I needed.
How about you if you were to start again?
What thoughts have you had about trying to explore the other side to your life?
Hope you don’t me asking you about the LGBT groups you went to? Was your husband supportive of that? Also I’m curious, You mentioned your penny drop moment, what was that for you and how did it feel? You said you had a crush but what was going on for you?
I’m finding my life so suffocating at the moment; I don’t know how much longer I can go on but I know I’m not ready to change where I live etc. in an ideal world, my husband would live across the street from me and I’d stay where I am; I love where I live so much and just remember to not see that as a reason to stay. Hard though 😞
I hope today is kind to you, and can I just say how much I value your comments, questions and openness. X
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Post by katie on Jun 4, 2022 14:20:56 GMT
Yep, I think the story of ‘fall in love with someone of the opposite sex, get married, have children’ is definitely sold to people as they grow up as the answer to everything. It’s portrayed as being so easy and natural! I’m hoping that starts to change soon. I think my regret is that I wasn’t more open minded about myself when I was younger. I didn’t realise that what I felt towards women was attraction…so I feel like I missed an opportunity to really understand myself and be part of an amazing community.
The penny dropped because I met a woman and realised I felt really comfortable around her, but also really nervous. I wanted to be as close to her as possible and know everything about her, but I couldn’t look her in the eye, and I couldn’t stop thinking about the tattoos she had that disappeared under her clothes, and wondering where they ended! I get to spend a bit of time with her as our children are friends, and I have to try really hard not to do or say anything that might freak her out. She’s married to a man so nothing would ever happen, but I’m hopeful we can be friends as she really is lovely. At the same time, I was working on my identity in therapy…and it just clicked. And then when I looked back through my life I suddenly realised that it’s always been a thing.
The LGBT meetings I’ve gone to have been lovely. Everywhere else in my life I am assumed to be straight, and the meetings make me feel a sense of belonging as a bisexual person. It’s a way of expressing my sexuality without doing anything sexual. My husband has been fine with me going, although I’m not sure he really understands why I want to. I’m also exploring by reading lesbian erotica…which is embarrassing to admit! Have you been in touch with the woman you slept with recently?
I can understand the feelings of suffocation and loving where you live. That’s something I feel, too. Hang in there. Things will work out…it might just take some time.
You’re welcome- it’s really nice to have someone to talk to 🙂
Katie
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Post by whoknows on Jun 4, 2022 16:59:07 GMT
How do you think things would have been different for you had you been more open minded in your younger years? And if there were no fear, judgement or worries, how do you see your life panning out now?
I’m fascinated by your therapy work on identity? How has that gone? Or maybe, how did it start? For me I kept exploring the idea that I hated getting dressed up, felt so fat, ugly, self conscious etc.
When i first started talking to my “catalyst” it was this strange experience where I didn’t know she was gay, conversation became quite intense and deeply emotional, til it almost became this unspoken thing that we both had a real crush on eachother. You’d never get that in a straight scenario though I don’t think as it slowly took for one of us to utter the smallest hint of something more.
I am still in touch with her, yes, I’m utterly confused and trying to keep it at arms length while I navigate through everything but there is no question there is an undeniable connection and I am desperate to be intimate with her. Just when I think I’m in control, I see her and I melt.
Not embarrassing to me to share about lesbian erotica, any recommendations? I thought I had no sex drive until I had this “awakening” and now I can’t get enough of self pleasure + lesbian porn… tmi perhaps!
How would you describe the suffocation? If of course you feel that? X
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Post by katie on Jun 4, 2022 21:23:25 GMT
Umm I’m not sure…I think if I’d dated both men and women when I was younger it’s likely I’d have married a woman instead. If I could do anything now, I would ask my husband to open our relationship and give me the option to explore with women. I guess the suffocation feeling for me is this feeling of being held down…like I’m becoming something different but I can’t quite shed my old skin. Like my wings are being clipped…if that makes any sense?!
I started going to therapy for completely unrelated reasons…but we ended up in a place where my self esteem was really low and I just didn’t know who I was anymore. We tried to build it up by starting with small things like favourite colours and moving to bigger things like core values for life. It was hard to start, but then it snowballed and I really like what we’ve done.
That sounds like a beautiful connection with your ‘catalyst’. I guess maybe sometimes the right thing happens at the wrong time. It really is a fickle world! I hope you can take some comfort from your contact with her, in spite of the difficulties.
Lol glad I’m not the only one! It depends what you’re in to….but I liked The Dinner Party by Victoria Rush and books by Lexie X.
Hope you’ve had a bit of a better day today x
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Post by whoknows on Jun 5, 2022 6:09:56 GMT
Funny you say “like you have your wings clipped”, such beautiful way to describe it and I used the same phrase with my therapist. Ive said that in some ways I feel I’m falling apart but in other ways, feel I’m being totally reborn and rebuilt.
I think she same, I’d have married a woman. I hold a fair amount of resentment towards the mild homophobia I experienced growing up as it just firmly shut the door for me.
What’s stopping you from asking your husband to open things up? Allow you to explore?
Sounds like your therapist has done amazing work with you; I don’t think it’s uncommon for a mother of young children to feel like their identity is lost, but I think that feeling is magnified hugely when one has suppressed something their entire life, like you and I. I’m interested, when you consider your self esteem and being bi or with a woman, how does that impact your self esteem? And in what way?
I wondered, have you & your husband considered couples therapy? We’re looking at it now and I’m terrified. I feel I’m much more advanced in my process of considering my sexuality as a reason I don’t feel fulfilled, confident, into sex or any physical intimacy, but I don’t have the confidence yet to tell him all of it. I guess that’s where therapy will help which is why I’m so scared. The atmosphere at home for us is really tense; he’s struggling to process it all and clinging on for dear life to me which is feeling even more stifling. He’s asking me things like “but could you be bi” in the hope that being bi would still mean I want him! How do I explain it doesn’t quite work like that? I keep going through the thought of “am I really gay? Am I maybe bi, am i making it all up? Will this all just disappear?
I just want this to all end! 😞
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Post by katie on Jun 5, 2022 8:24:01 GMT
I think realising I’m Bi has helped me feel much more confident, especially in social situations. Before, I was always really uncomfortable being physically close to people and I hated being touched. I worked out I was actually afraid of my own reaction to other people, afraid of touch and closeness feeling good. Now I’m more comfortable with those feelings and reactions, if something feels good-especially if I have a sexual response- I can just acknowledge it and know it’s ok to feel that. You mentioned body confidence before….how are you feeling about that now?
I think if I asked my husband to open up the relationship, he would be horrified. It would be like asking for a divorce. Plus, I’m learning he’s not as supportive as I first thought. I asked him to come to a Pride event with me and he laughed and said ‘not a chance!’ which felt horrible when I’m working so hard to include him in this part of my life. I think couples counselling is a really good idea, but also scary as you say. Having someone objective to facilitate discussions without judgement sounds really useful though, and you don’t have to share anything until you are ready.
That’s really hard having those questions thrown at you, and feeling him clinging. Completely understandable to question yourself, and I’m asking some of the same things myself. From what you’ve said, you’ve had these feelings for most of your life….so I’d say it’s unlikely that they will disappear. And you’ve acted on your feelings, and enjoyed those experiences…so it doesn’t sound like something made up. Only you know your sexuality, and what makes life feel authentic to you.
Hope you can find some peace today x
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Post by whoknows on Jun 5, 2022 11:15:07 GMT
It’s so fascinating how these things can be buried so deep and how connecting with something so deep can make such a change to your self-esteem and confidence. For me I’ve always really struggled with confidence, feeling out of place & insecure, always battling with an inner voice in my head That would tell me I look fat, ugly, not feminine enough etc. whenever I have to get dressed up for social occasions like weddings I would always give myself such a hard time & feel so anxious, sometimes even cancelling going because I couldn’t handle it. More recently when I’ve mentally embraced being “not straight” I have had such confidence, felt somewhat fearless and felt so comfortable in my skin and my clothing. Kind of amazing given I’m wearing exactly the same clothes.
I think you’re right that a couples therapist will provide a safe environment and a mediator, although I’m really scared what might open up. Like you say though, I won’t be forced to say anything. I know that I can’t keep things going at the current rate because it’s eating me alive. Is your husband curious with you about anything? In denial? Being more clingy?
What questions do you find you keep asking yourself? X
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Post by katie on Jun 5, 2022 12:53:13 GMT
Yes, it amazes me how one thing can make such a difference to everything else!
My husband hasn’t really said much about it, or asked any questions. It’s like he hasn’t really taken it in and doesn’t understand what it could mean….either that or he understands really well and he’s scared to talk about it. I just can’t tell. But maybe I’ve not been honest enough or made it clear what a big deal this is for me. Maybe he’s assuming everything is ‘normal’ because I haven’t shown how different I feel.
I keep asking myself why I didn’t figure this out sooner? Am I really bi, or am I a lesbian? Am I just curious or making it up? Will these feelings fade away in a couple of months? Why do I feel like I want to explore- if I love my husband, shouldn’t this be enough? I keep going too and fro with everything…it’s very confusing!!
Katie x
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